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"Don't Make Me Count to 3," Part 5

2012-03-02T22:15:00.000-08:00

Once again, my regular life has provided me with material to share with you regarding discipline. Good news, bad news, right?

Well, last time, in Part 4, I shared with you my first experiences and awareness of the need for learning how to discipline my toddler. She was a feisty one. (Well, maybe they all are.) So for the next couple years, we danced the "Who's really in charge here?" dance. Sometimes I was, sometimes, clearly, she was. {Sigh.} Parenting a toddler can be really exhausting. But I can tell you this, if you're in that stage. Just by doing SOMETHING in the discipline category, you are taking baby steps in the direction of progress. Your toddler may make the same mistake every day for a month straight, but if you remain consistent and patient in teaching him or her the boundaries, one day, it will click.

For me, things started to change when my daughter was about 3 and a half. Notice I didn't say things got easier. They just got...different. A baby brother was in the picture, potty training was in the past, she was in a big girl bed, and my now preschooler could verbally communicate fairly well. But I was still using tactics to manage her as if she were a toddler. She needed a bit more independence and listening, and not so much physical wrangling and scolding. I didn't know I needed some new approaches until one day when I attended my weekly MOPS meeting.

{Here is my aside to STRONGLY encourage you to join MOPS or some other mom support group. It is so, so, so important. I wrote more on how much it changed my life as a mom here.}

The speaker was sharing tips from a parenting book called How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk. It was just what I needed. I remember reading this book when my daughter was four, and thinking, "Wow, so I've basically ruined her for the last four years!" Of course, that wasn't the truth. But this book had so many practical ideas that I really needed. And by the way, it is not a Christian book. It is a classic secular parenting book several decades old, and I still reference it to this day. When I'm out of ideas, it always gives me a new one. It is excellent. In fact, when my daughter went into first grade, at Back to School Night, her teacher recommended it to all the parents. That night, I felt so thankful that God had dropped this resource into my lap two years earlier. That is exactly what happened, by the way. I was in need of some new tools and a little encouragement, and He provided what I needed to do my job as a mother better.

My favorite chapter is on ways to encourage cooperation. Instead of continuing to rely simply on threats and consequences, I began to use different approaches. For instance, let's say my daughter didn't want to take a nap. One of the strategies is to "offer a choice" so that your child feels some sense of control in a circumstance they do not like, but cannot be changed. She had to go to naptime, that was non-negotiable. But instead of battling her with reasons and arguments, I would just jump right to something like, "So, sweetie, it's naptime. Do you want milk or water in your cup?" or "Do you want to sleep with one guy or two?" or "Do you want to wear your clothes or your PJ's to bed?" If she said, "I don't want to take a nap," I would firmly say, "That's not a choice. The choice is, do you want to wear your clothes or your PJs?" It totally works. It's genius, people. I still use the phrase, "That's not a choice," a lot with my kids. They know now that I'm not just bossing them around; some things are a choice, and some things just plain aren't.

My daughter, as you probably know is almost ten now (!). Just yesterday, I used another strategy on her. She is getting sorta pre-teeny on me. Drama and blubbering over ridiculousness like her shoe choice. Yesterday, her whining and high emotions got so bad that I found myself shouting at her while she was shouting at me because I could not handle her tone with me anymore. Sheesh. It was so very dumb, and I knew it. So I took her to get some frozen yogurt, and pulled out some better skills. If you are regularly hitting a wall with a child who is old enough to roll with this idea, one strategy is to brainstorm solutions. I said, "Hey, I really don't like shouting at each other. Wasn't that so dumb!? Neither of us was listening to the other person. However, it is not okay for you to talk to me like you were when you were freaking out about your shoes. I get really upset when you speak to me like that, so I need a way to remind you to take it down and communicate more like a big girl. I very much want to listen to you, but you need to learn to communicate in a better way. What would remind you to take a time out to calm down, or get some fresh air before telling me what you need to say?"

I made a couple suggestions, and she didn't like them (not surprising - feisty, I tell you). Then she suggested that I just hold out my hand, like making a sign for "stop." A non-verbal sign. Huh. I would not have ever thought of that, but it was a totally suitable idea! I said, "Great! So when I see you start to melt down, and being to use a voice that is not okay, I will hold up my hand, and you will know what that means. It means I want to listen to you, but you need to find your self control first." She was perfectly happy with that new plan. Genius, right? I would have NEVER come up with the idea to brainstorm solutions with my child for a recurring problem had I not read that book.

Don't forget how I said in Part 4 that you can't ever rely solely on a book, unless it's God's Word, in parenting. But this one really helped me a lot, and still does.

Next time, I want to talk about the one bad choice in our house that everyone knows gets double consequences, the thing I take very, very seriously. You'll just have to wait and see what that is... :)

Happy Weekend, friends.

Grace on a Thursday: the roots that touch everything else

2012-03-01T11:06:00.001-08:00

I do plan to get back to the discipline series, because there is more to say there. And I thought I'd tie in this week's Grace on a Thursday by talking about how important understanding and using grace in our discipline is. But I can't ever seem to force my words into a box, even when it's a good plan, when they just won't go.

Instead, I need to go deeper today. If you don't want to go there too, then just sit this one out. But I know I have to, and there must be a reason.

I heard a definition on the radio that got me. It was merely a snippet. But I heard the speaker say, "Shame is the fear of being unlovable."

Really? I thought. Is that in fact what it is? Because I think a lot about shame, guilt, and the other really common weeds in our hearts whose roots seem to touch everything else. And as I dug down inside myself, I started to agree. Shame comes when we make mistakes and we decide those things make us less lovable.

Fact is I am not aware that I am making a decision, an agreement, if you will, in allowing shame in. I'm connecting wrong dots: making the mistake equals being less lovable. It's a connection based on a lie. And this beautifully crafted though insidious lie laughs in the face of God and WHO HE IS:

God is Love.

His nature, His being shouts LOVE.

But shame says "Yes, I know, but that's not for me."

You'd never know it by looking at me. Well, you sorta do look at me, through this bloggy window. I'd bet some of you think I have it all together. That I wake up full of joy everyday ready to cook, clean, craft and hug everyone in my path. I WISH. Really, I so wish it were that easy. But some days, I'm so melancholy, I can't accomplish anything. Some days, I can't pull out one generous word to give my husband; we get lost in logistics and the business of life. Sometimes, I hate cooking, and nothing inspires me. It's okay to feel those things sometimes, of course. But for me, I know that at times, the roots of those kinds of "bad days" are because I'm getting tangled up in the enemy's lies. Wondering what's wrong with me. Feeling weighed down, empty, and unloved. Unlovable.

Sometimes I fold those fears up and tuck them away like out of season clothes shoved into the dark recess of my closet. They aren't healed. The lies aren't broken. Just buried. In my everyday relationships with other women, I can sometimes see another's shame tucked away. She doesn't even know it's there anymore. She doesn't recognize how the roots touch everything else.

Shame is the fear of being unlovable.

Thank God we have grace this Thursday, ready to take a hatchet to those lies and a bright light to those fears tucked away in darkness.

Go there with me. Pull out the worst, oldest things. Things you are quite sure mean you will be loved less. I'm not even going to give examples. The reason we know what those things are is because the Accuser brings them up to us all the time. Take some time and draw near to God. Expose those things to grace: it is the favor we don't deserve. Giant, powerful, life-changing favor. His word says that because of what Jesus has done for us, by paying for our sin and shame on the cross, we can confidently approach the throne of grace.

Grace is the only remedy. No substitute or counterfeit salve can truly bring healing.

Now go here with me:

Nothing I can do or ever will do could make God love me less.
Nothing will keep Him from singing for joy over me.
Nothing I do in weakness will ever come close to reversing what He's done in strength.

My Heavenly Father is bursting with love for me. And that's the way it's gonna stay.

Deleted post and some Monday thoughts

2012-02-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

Welp, I had a really lovely post scheduled for yesterday. But when it went up, for some reason it was completely blank. I went into "edit" and nothing was there. My whole post got deleted somehow and I was/am so bummed out about that. It was an important one to me, and so when I get over the disappointment of it vanishing, I may rewrite it.

As for now, I just wanted to share what's on my mind this morning.

I'm thankful that our God is one of action. You will never hear Him say these words to you:

My hands are tied. I can't help.

I'm too busy to concern myself with that.

I just don't know what to do. Try someone else.

I really wish I had an answer for you.

Can we reschedule our time together?

Today, I'm basking in the fact that HE IS ON THE READY at all times of day to listen to me, to help me, to comfort me. It's amazing.

And then, what's even more amazing is that whether I bring Him my heart or not, He is at work all around me, all the time. Moving. Acting. Powerfully writing my story of faith, page by page. Most of the time, I just can't see it.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for,

the conviction of things not seen.

Hebrews 11:1

But He is at work. Because He loves me. I have faith in this.

I don't always have patience for the timing of His plans, but I have faith that He has some, and that they are good.

But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you...

2 Peter 3:8,9

I don't want to overlook this one fact. The Lord is not slow; He is at work in His perfect timing. We can take heart in this knowledge, friends!

Last night, as I went to bed, I read a bit from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers (entry for Feb. 27th). This spoke to me.

Think of the depths of human nature, of human life, think of the depths of the "wells" in you. Have you been impoverishing the ministry of Jesus so that He can not do anything? Suppose there is a well of fathomless trouble inside your heart, and Jesus comes and says, "Let not your heart be troubled"; and you shrug your shoulders and say, "But Lord, the well is deep; You cannot draw up quietness and comfort out of it." No, He will bring them down from above...

We impoverish His ministry the moment we forget He is Almighty; the impoverishment is in us, not in Him. We will come to Jesus as Comforter or as Sympathizer, but we will not come to Him as Almighty. The reason some of us are such poor specimens of Christianity is because we have no Almighty Christ. We have Christian attributes and experiences, but there is no abandonment to Jesus Christ. When we get into difficult cirumstances, we impoverish His ministry by saying, "Of course He cannot do anything," and we struggle down to the deeps and try to get the water for ourselves. Beware of the satisfaction of sinking back and saying, " It can't be done"; you know it can be done if you look to Jesus. The well of your incompleteness is deep, but make the effort and look away to Him.

Am I walking through my struggles today in faith that I have an Almighty God on my side?

I'm trying.

I don't want to simply believe in God. I want to believe Him. He is love, and He is at work in a mighty way in my life. Today I'm thankful for that.

Insta-Friday, Valentine's recap

2012-02-24T04:00:00.000-08:00

Well, I remembered for the second time in two months to link up for Insta-Friday with Jeannett!

Here is a flashback recap of our Valentine's Day family dinner, a tradition around these parts (that I wrote about here).

LOOK at these pretties. They are better than Sprinkles cupcakes, and are made by my friend!

She has super secret recipes and sells her specialties strictly in order to support the Susan G. Komen foundation for breast cancer research. She is incredible. My fave on this platter was the chocolate peanut butter ones, but my not-featured fave is her salted caramel cupcakes. If you live in Orange County and need cupcakes, I have a sweet, super-inexpensive hook up!

Once in a great while, I remember that I have my grandma's china high up in a cabinet I never open. I decided to bust it out. I really love it.

I didn't register for any for my wedding because hers was basically what I would have chosen. And now that I no longer have my grandma around, it's even more special. I should use it all the time.

This dish holds a donut, because my little guy hates cupcakes. For his last birthday, he had a donut pyramid instead of a cake. Every year, we have to get creative: what will he like that can also hold some candles?? (Hint: this May, we're lookin' at churros.)

My family always requests Chicken Pot Pie for special dinners, but this year, we switched it up and I made Shepherd's Pie for the first time. Ya know...mashed potatoes spread on top of a ground beef and veggie stew? It was a hit. Yay for hits.

And here's me. After the cooking, cleaning, and decorating which took most of my day, I was tired. But in keeping with tradition, which is dressing up a bit for V-day dinner as well, I busted out a bit of remaining energy to fluff up my hair, and put on lipstick and a necklace. (I still resisted the mascara, as you can see.) Just that little effort actually made me feel energized to celebrate love with my people. It was all so worth it. This was one of those nights where nothing dramatic or disastrous actually happened. Amazing, right?

Last but not least, check out this card I gave to my cupcake-maker friend to say thanks....

I love it. And I did. (TMI?)

Grace on a Thursday: in Katy's words

2012-02-22T22:00:00.000-08:00

I'm so happy to host Katy's words today here. I love what she has to share. I can SOOO relate to her words, and I'm sure many of you will be able to also. In fact, her subject matter fits quite nicely into my current series and many thoughts about discipline and our reactions to our kids. Motherhood is so challenging and humbling, and gives us so many opportunities to learn about grace. Please show Katy some love for her transparency and brave testimony today about her journey as a mom.

Hello! My name is Katy and I blog over at Scottyboy and Katygirl where I blog about my journey as a wife to Scott and a mom to Miles (and baby girl coming soon!) and everything in between. I'm so honored that Leslie asked me to share today!

Before I became a mother, I had these preconceived notions about how my children would act in every circumstance. I remember judgmentally thinking in certain situations, "My kid will NEVER do that....." and then proceed to tell myself how I will go about it when something comes up in public. When Miles was younger - he is 20 months now - I really prided myself on how well he obeyed and listened to me, regardless if we were in public or in private. And I didn't mean to be prideful or come across as thinking I was better than anyone, but when I saw other mothers in stores and their kids weren't behaving, I was very naive and didn't quite understand how someone could allow their child to behave that way.

And then my kid got his little personality. And while I love every little inch of that boy, he sure keeps me on my toes every second of the day. When he turned a year and a half, he knew what he wanted in this world, and he stopped at nothing. I love it because he is determined and he is a thinker and a planner. But boy, some days it is TOUGH and I just wish there were books that would give me a step-by-step instruction guide of how to deal with every single circumstance. This pregnant mama is tired and struggling to keep up - and some days I feel defeated and discouraged.

About two weeks ago, we were in Target and we were finishing up and getting ready to pay. Miles had a bag of Valentine's candy in his hand and I knew it was going to be a struggle to get it back from him. I had my iPhone in one hand trying to figure out where we were going to meet Scotty for lunch, and with the other hand, I gently tried to take the bag of candy away so I could put it on the check stand. Every line was long; there were lots of people around, and Miles picked that moment to start screaming "NO!" with every ounce of energy he had inside of him. He would not hand over those Hershey's Kisses if his little life depended on it. And every firm, "Miles, listen to Mommy right now..." wasn't working. I was already humiliated and flustered...and just when I thought the situation couldn't get any worse, he grabbed my iPhone from my other hand and chucked it hard - as far as he could. Every eye was on me - and being that we were in public, I had to work hard to keep my composure and swallow my anger and pride. When I picked my phone up, the entire screen was shattered. My eyes were instantly filled with tears - not because my phone was broken, but because I was so embarrassed by my child's bad behavior. I paid as fast as I could and got the heck out of dodge.

The funny thing is that Miles is too little to even grasp what had just happened in the store. So by the time I made it outside, he had already forgotten what he had done. He had no concept anymore of what made Mommy so angry and embarrassed. He was more excited about all the birdies that were flying around to even care that my expensive cell phone was now ruined. Its not like I could discipline him; he truly had no idea what was going on. While I drove to meet my husband for lunch, I really had to pray about the state of my heart. What a huge humbling experience for me...in so many ways. And what a huge lesson I had to learn on grace...on myself, on my child, and on other moms. I can honestly say that I just never thought I'd be the mom at the checkout line with a screaming, disobedient child...and yet, there I was. I'm not sure there is much that I could have done to prevent it - but I know there is a lot that I can learn from it.

The next time we went into Target, I purposely chose to be a different person. I purposely chose to stop looking down on other moms who did things differently than me and started to look at them with the mindset that majority of us are just doing the best that we can. And when I got to the checkout line that day, another mom was having a really hard time with her daughter. Instead of inwardly rolling my eyes like I think I would have in the past, I just silently prayed that God would give her the grace to get through it. Because I am 100% certain that will be me again someday. And I'll need everyone else's grace to get me through that moment too. And I certainly need God's grace to make it through every minute of this parenting adventure. The minute I think I've finally got it figured out....is the very minute that it starts all over again. Without God's grace, I am just no where. And I really pray that I can extend that very grace to others around me who desperately need it like I did in Target that day.

"Don't Make Me Count to 3," Part 4

2012-02-21T01:08:00.000-08:00

Okay. I want to say a couple quick things first. I have not forgotten that not all of you are parents. I'm sure this series is soooo boring for you. So this week, I'm interspersing my usual posts - Grace on a Thursday, and Insta-Friday so top of the page is not all mommed out.

Also, my email link on the sidebar wasn't working and I know some of you wanted to email me. My email is Lnp0202 at aol dot com. Those are zeros, not Os. So fire away. No hate email please.

Finally, I took down the new commenting format because within two days, it was not meshing well. The coding was not supporting the mobile version of Blogger so when people commented by phone, it accepted the comments in the original format, and deleted the comments from the new. Lame. Over it fast.

I think as I approach the tougher issues of discipline, we should go chronologically. Because that's how we all experience its challenges. As our kids age. The first time I started significantly freaking out over the willful defiance of my child is when my daughter was about 18 months. Her strong will made an appearance in a big way, as she grew into toddlerhood, and the first thing I did was reach for books.

First, I read the classic, Dr. Dobson's Dare to Discipline, simply because it was what my parents read, and I thought I turned out okay. It gave me a great start, and very sufficiently scared me into action by describing what happens when a child is not ever disciplined. His philosophies behind discipline were compelling, and I was fully motivated to push through my feelings of inadequacy because I wanted to avoid the consequences of failing to get this right.

But one big lesson this book taught me was that you can't just go by a book. Every child is different, and it is wise to pick and choose and change and try all kinds of different approaches to find what works best in your family. Some of the ideas in his book worked like a charm, some didn't. I don't agree with every single word either. The more books I read, the more I am reminded that books are only resources. You go to them when you need a new idea or a fresh perspective. None are the Bible.

I'm wary of the bandwagons, and any parent who "swears" by any one method or parenting philosophy based on a human-originated idea (and much more the moms who condemn and malign others for choosing a different way). All things get held up to God's word. And fortunately, His word allows a LOT of wiggle room in terms of parenting. Some mothers are totally appalled that God's word allows for spanking, and others are appalled that it allows for co-sleeping. Let's just agree that BOTH of those practices could go really wrong. But they could also go really right, and God allows for them because He commands certain coverings be in place in the home to begin with: encouragement, healthy family structures, and overarching, unconditional love provide a safe environment for these kinds of things to take place in a positive way. I catch myself sometimes being "appalled" at someone else's choice, but in my heart, I don't want to be that mom. I want to remember that our job as mothers is to find the best, wisest fit for a given child, in a given circumstance, and most importantly, for a given period of time. Because nothing stays the same for too long. Right? A healthy dose of humility is all I need to remember not everyone should discipline in the same way.

So my toddler was having issues! She arched her back and screamed when I tried to put her in the car seat or the stroller. She screamed when she didn't get her way. She got mad that it was naptime and would pull every book off her shelves, every day. She ran away from me in public every chance she got. Oh my goodness. All that doesn't sound so bad now, actually, but because she was my first, and she was willful, I was a sweaty, stressed out wreck every time she pushed back like that. She needed boundaries and consequences for crossing them. Fast.

Toddlers need discipline mainly to keep them safe, and to begin to teach them to obey your voice. However, they can't digest a lot of explanation. Consequences need to be simple and effective. Effective can ONLY be defined by how much the child hates the consequence. If they don't hate it, it's not effective. Period. If they don't care if you take away the toy, it's not working as discipline. The two things that worked best for me in the toddler years I'm going to call separation and swats.

1. Separation: I'd state a simple "NO," then pick her up, facing away from me, and carry her to her crib or someplace boring. If we were out, it was the stroller. This worked for times I needed to physically move her out of the situation for some reason. Maybe a big mess was caused, or physicality was involved, like kicking. Her consequence is missing out on interaction with me and others for a short time, even five minutes. She is a social girl and so she hated that (= effective). (I can imagine a child who is more independent, and would NOT hate to be left alone for a few. If that's your kid, this won't work. It could even feel rewarding to him or her to be put in his bed, if that's his favorite place to be. My daughter's favorite place to be was with me, and was not so fond of her bed.)

2. Swat: This wasn't a spanking (I'll talk about that later), because it was a quick "get your attention" kind of thing, usually on her hand. I'd put her hand in the palm of mine, and then clap my other hand over it. It made a noise, and shocked her enough to get the message. This worked great for times she was using her hands to do something that was not okay. I'd say something like, "We do NOT throw toys." Once in a while, when she would disobey with her body, like screaming and wrestling me to escape being buckled into her car seat, I would give her a little swat on her thigh. Part of my problem was that when she was screaming, she could not hear me tell her what I wanted. And I refused to just "win" the wrestling match and force her into her seat. I actually felt that was disrespectful to her. What I wanted was that she obey me. A quick little swat was one thing that helped startle her out of the fit, and into following my lead.

I can see how some would have issues with any sort of spank or swat, no matter what. I totally understand that, and again, I reiterate that different methods work for different families. If you have a history with someone misusing a corporeal type of consequence with you or in your family of origin, then don't use it. Don't go there. It may be too weird, and cause more trouble than it's worth. I don't have that history. In fact, both my husband and I were raised by parents who very selectively used spanking, and we both had loving, secure homes. We have no negative memories or feelings about it whatsoever. I'm just saying to use SOMETHING. Choosing to not spank your kids should never be an excuse to not discipline them some other way. There are lots of ways to do this; the challenge is finding the effective way for your kid. More on this later...

{And hey, if you don't agree with me on anything in this series, that's cool. Feel free to say so. I only want to initiate respectful conversation and keep an open mind to all types of situations and families. I hope you'll allow me the same grace, because I'm certainly don't have all the answers. Thanks.}

"Don't Make Me Count to 3," Part 3

2012-02-18T15:00:00.000-08:00

So she lost her purse. At first, I reacted, in my weariness, in my frustration, and disappointment. (I talked about that here.)

Then I parented. (Better late than never, right? Just keepin' it real.)

These are the inclinations I willfully pushed down:

1. Continuing to act inconvenienced. That is just about me, not about her. Love lays its life down for another. The world won't end if the plans change because we had to spend an extra thirty minutes looking for the lost purse.

2. Making rash judgements, such as, "I'm not allowing you to carry a purse when we go out anymore. You're obviously not old enough to be responsible with it." This was tempting. (In the right timing and in a much more loving manner, this kind of decision may have been appropriate, but for my nine year old, I knew it wasn't.)

*Let me just say, I want to sometimes say these things. We're never coming to the park again if you don't follow me right now....If you throw that train, I'm taking them all away...From now on, you'll have to hold my hand in a store because you ran away from me. Waaaaait...that one sounded maybe okay, didn't it? Well, the "wrong" part, in my mind, is the "From now on," because you don't mean FOREVER. It's too extreme. It's better to say, "Next time we're in a store, you'll have to hold my hand because you ran away from me." That sounds reasonable and fair.

Be wary of any extreme promises or decisions that include a "never" or "from now on." What if you want to go back to that park next week, but your child "lost" that? Then what? I heard a mother say to her child the other day, "If you don't start behaving, we're never coming to this restaurant again." My rule of thumb is that I make sure the consequences I set into motion are not punishments for myself too. I LIKE going to restaurants. I WANT the convenience of allowing food and drinks in the car. If I'm really excited about going to a movie as a family, then I no longer make the rule, "Clean your room or you can't come to the movie." Because once, someone didn't clean their room, and guess who had to follow through with the consequence? It was such a bummer!! Same thing with taking away reading time at night. I LOVE reading to them at night. Why ruin the things I really value? I guess that's one good thing about having an Xbox. I never have trouble taking that away! Ha.

3. Getting angry at a peripheral issue. Part of me wanted to make it about money, as if she doesn't know the value of things enough to take care of them well. Truth is, she doesn't understand the value of things because she's a child, and it would be a waste of energy to try to make her. That speech is not what she needed, and that peripheral issue tried to distract me from the matters of the heart.

4. Acting above making that kind of mistake. In short, I found my humility. Um, I've lost things before. End of story.

These are the skills I willfully pulled out:

1. Starting with affection. I put my arm around her shoulders and squeezed as we walked back empty handed. I almost always try to start here, because it softens my heart too, and I don't have to use words. When I can't yet find the loving words, I start with loving affection. (That reminds me of this post - remember, on using affection to offer grace?)

2. Inviting her feelings and giving them names. I asked how she felt, and then I helped her out a little. I do this a lot. There's no evaluation of her emotions, just labeling and validating. When she replied, "Sad," and continued to cry, I said, "Gosh, you're really disappointed about losing your new purse. I remember how hard you worked to buy it with your own money. That must feel so frustrating."

3. Empathizing. We went over the list of things inside the purse. At each item, I empathized, put myself in her shoes, and tried to imagine how I'd feel if I were nine, and lost my new wallet, my allowance money plus $5 from great-grandma for Valentine's Day, and a bracelet that I had made for her. "Oh no! What a bummer! And you just got that money from grandma! I'm so sorry about that."

4. Relating. This one was harder because it required not only bringing some serious humility, but also reliving an incident where I felt really sad and disappointed. It was painful, but I forced the words out:

"Remember when I went to Italy with daddy a couple years ago? Well, it was our favorite trip together ever. And do you remember seeing any pictures from that trip? Nope, you didn't. Because on the last day of the trip, I lost the camera. I think it got taken out of my purse when we were in a big crowd. I was so disappointed that I went back to the hotel room and cried for four hours. I could buy another camera, but I couldn't ever get back the memories in all the pictures I'd taken. I was so heartbroken."

She listened quietly. And I knew nothing else needed to be said. I had seen her and related to her as a fellow human being, flawed, and frustrated. Her mistake was unintentional, it was not disobedient, or defiant, and what she needed was comfort.

What comforted her was knowing her feelings mattered, and that she wasn't alone. You know, it does me a world of good to know the verse that says Jesus is able to sympathize with us in all our weaknesses because He lived on this earth too. He gets me. That concept means everything to me, on certain days. God knew that I needed empathy so badly that He sent Jesus to live here. Think about it. He could have redeemed mankind in some other way without ever having to step foot on our soil. But He showed up to be Immanuel, literally God with us. Talk about challenging, humbling, and painful.

And I'm just trying to follow His example, in my human, flawed, way.

Next, I'll talk about when the mistake my child makes is not so innocent.

"Don't Make Me Count to 3," Part 2

2012-02-16T22:22:00.000-08:00

Hi friends.
I decided to take a break from Grace on a Thursday this week so I can continue with my thoughts on discipline. Fortunately, my regular life provides me with ample material to write about with respect to this topic!

A couple days ago, we had a situation. And as I said I would in my last post, I observed myself, my reactions and my feelings without trying to force them any which way.

My daughter and I had a mom and big girl double date with friends, and we went to an outdoor mall area in the afternoon. We strolled around for a couple of hours, and my plan was to then hit the grocery store and then go home to start dinner. We planned to leave at 4 p.m., which turned into 5 p.m. When we got back in the car, my daughter asked, "Mom! Do you have my purse?" I answered, "No, why would I have your purse? You don't have it?" Um, no. She didn't. It was lost.

Knowing her newish purse contained her newish wallet with ten bucks in it, as well as some other trinkets, first, I reacted. I heard myself say her name in that exasperated tone. You know the one. If I typed it, it would have an exclamation mark at the end. And then my lack of words said the rest. With a big sigh, I got out of the car and trudged back to the mall. She was expected to follow. I acted so inconvenienced, so pouty. And so much of that reaction was simply because I was tired and knew we'd now be ditching the dinner plan and resorting to take out. My plans had to give way, and I was annoyed.

Notice NONE of those reasons had to do with my daughter. She did not do anything defiant or naughty. She did something childish. Because she is a child. And incidentally, we've all left our purses somewhere before, even as adults. Common mistake, right? Yet look at how my emotion and my circumstances totally interfered with my parenting. So far in the story, I've done ZERO parenting. I've just pouted for being inconvenienced. Not my best work, people.

She remembered putting her purse down in a certain store, but they did not have it. It wasn't in the same spot, and it hadn't been turned in. The store manager and I exchanged phone numbers, and we headed back to the car. When the reality of her lost things started to set in, she began to cry. I then realized I'd contributed to the problem, and needed to turn this ship around.

But I'm going to tell you what I did right tomorrow. For now, I want to look at just this:

At the beginning of any "situation" with our child, first asses if what they've done is actually defiant, or simply childish.

Sometimes, the thing that drives me the most crazy is just childishness going on around me. Sometimes, my grown-up brain can only take so much. Here's a text I sent to a friend the other day when I was over it.

The kids were playing sorta loudly, marbles followed by little hands and feet scrambling after them kept rolling into the kitchen where I was cooking dinner, Legos were on all my counter tops, and they were both singing crazy, made-up songs. So yeah, at the moment, I would have preferred quiet, and was getting irritated. But I pushed down my negativity and distracted myself with eating gummy colas (which are so yummy, btw). I knew I was the problem, not them, and knew they were not doing anything worthy of discipline. So I texted my friend to let out my frustration, and silently ate my candy.

Now, there are times that innocent childishness can cross the line, or break a rule, if you have one in place. And that would be grounds for discipline. For instance, let's say your three year old is just being silly and screaming his head off inside your house because he likes to hear his own voice. Instead of just reacting negatively (since no one enjoys hearing screaming indoors, really), here are some things to ask yourself:

1. Do I have a rule in place about screaming indoors? If not, do I want to have one? In other words, is this a big enough deal to me that I want to consistently curb the problem? Or is this rare behavior and I can just ask him nicely to pipe down?

2. Have I ever made it clear that there was such a rule? Have I done a decent job communicating what I expect?

3. Has it been a really long time since we talked about it, or yesterday? (The older the child, the more likely they may remember such a rule) Here, you're deciding if it's reasonable to expect them, based on their age and maturity, to recall and obey the rules. A toddler may need daily repetition of a rule, whereas a ten year old should know certain things are not okay.

4. Have I made the consequence for breaking the rule also clear? (This is where I get myself in trouble!) If not, then a warning with a clear consequence for breaking the rule again is necessary.

In my best parenting voice, for young offenders, I would get eye-to-eye with my child and firmly say something like this:

"The rule is, 'Inside the house, we use talking voices, not screaming ones.' If you want to use a really loud voice, you can go outside. If I hear you use a screaming voice in my house, then you will have to stop playing and sit quietly in this chair for five minutes."

Stated rule. Stated "If-Then" statement about what happens if you break it.

In our house, I often use a warning - just one - or I give what we call "second chances." I know that God is a god of second chances, and so I want to model that. Sometimes I say, "Try again," if something was not quite right the first time. The backpack thrown on the garage floor, or a rude demand for milk gets that reply. At times, my six year old will appeal for a second chance when I don't offer it, and most of the time, I concede, because I can see he is not trying to get out of something. He sincerely wants to make the better choice.

The later in the day, the less childishness I seem to be able to tolerate. That's okay, as long as I'm not being punitive to my kids for being kids. Sometimes, I tell them to take the playing upstairs. Or if the singing of the songs from the school play is making me nuts, I suggest we put on a Pandora station that they like. If childishness becomes dangerous, like throwing things up to the front of the car while I'm driving, I take a much stronger stance on the rules and consequences than if we're talking about something that I just don't prefer, like screaming indoors. The big thing, for me, and maybe for you, is to just stop myself from having a negative reaction to childishness when I haven't laid out my expectations first. That's not fair.

Okay. Tomorrow, I'll tell you what I tried as my weepy daughter and I walked to the car, purseless.

"Don't Make Me Count to 3", Part 1

2012-02-13T08:23:00.000-08:00

Before we talk about disciplining our kids, we need to talk about separating parts. We need to be freed up to function as loving, wise parents. And for me, and maybe for you too, here's what gets messy.

Whenever a conflict or a problem arises involving one or more of my kids, two things simultaneously happen in me:

1. I have a desire and instinct to be that loving, wise parent.

2. I have my own (usually negative) personal reaction and feelings about what is happening.

These two things get tangled really, really quickly. I have a keen awareness that these two things happen and that they are separate things. I realize they need to be separated. I realize also that more often than not, they WORK AGAINST one another. My #2 really messes with my #1 in a bad way. But even though I know these things in my brain, I am not yet able to compartmentalize well enough - that is, to exert self-control enough - to keep them apart, and allow #1 to override #2 every time.

Here's proof:

"What were you thinking?"
"Oh my gosh, I can't believe you just did that!"
"Knock it off!"
"You left it at school AGAIN?"
"You guys are making me crazy!"

All these kinds of statements are my personal, emotional reactions, usually stated in exasperation or even, at times, anger. They are statements being influenced by my circumstances, my mood, how filled up I am spiritually, how many other things are on my mind, how I was parented, how I feel about myself, and fifty other things. However, regardless of their roots, they are still careless words which do not benefit or parent my kids in any way. This may sound harsh, but for me, it's lazy parenting. I know better, and I still sometimes vent my feelings in this way.

Clarity in my job description helps. My kids have been entrusted to me so that I parent them. Not for me to burden them with my emotional baggage, neediness, or arbitrary expectations. And all this matters SO VERY much when we talk about discipline because it is done best when we are functioning as intentional parents, not as women simply reacting.

This week, try to go about your parenting business as usual, and observe yourself. That's what I've been doing. How much of your parenting is simply reaction, and how much of it is intentional communication motivated by love? How often are you filled up enough to allow your good parenting instincts to override that desire to react and indulge your negative emotions?

And think about this: how often does your guilt and shame from doing the latter interfere and exhaust and demotivate you? I'm guessing as often as it does me. But this is not Grace on a Thursday. Maybe I'll address that in a few days (or click on the "shame is my game" tag on the right for more on this running theme in my life). For now, just notice it. Watch and listen to yourself.

Let's try to be more mindful of the two parts of our responses to our kids. And maybe that way, we'll be able to see our choices more clearly.

Discipline. Let's talk.

2012-02-11T13:21:00.000-08:00

The other night I was lying in bed drafting this. (Do you ever do that? Compose blog posts while you lie in the dark?) And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much there was to say about disciplining our kids. How much I wanted to say. And share. And ask.

For me, the subject of discipline is like playing tennis. When I was younger, I was a tennis player. I played for years, and my parents invested a lot of money into private coaches. I have a great base of knowledge, now, about how to play tennis. The rules, the form, the equipment. But no book or coach can tell you exactly how the ball is going to come at you one moment to the next. What the other player is going to bring is totally unpredictable. And of course, one’s success at tennis is measured by how well one uses that knowledge and those tools to react, shot after shot.

In the same way, my kids are throwing something new every day, it seems. Envelopes are pushed, lines are crossed, and attitudes bubble into actions, sometimes good and sometimes not so good. I’m now nearly ten years into parenting, and I realized the other night while lying in the dark that I do have a good basis at this point for knowing how to react. That doesn’t mean I do it right all the time. But now, as opposed to when I was a new mom, I nearly always know when I’ve made a mistake, and what I should have or could have done instead.

So I'm going to spend some time and posts writing about discipline, I want to share some of the equipment I’ve come to rely on. I know a lot of readers here are young moms. But also, I want to be vulnerable about how there are days when I have no idea where to go next in teaching and shepherding my children. I need your input too. As my kids age, they are continually entering new territory, facing new challenges, and even experiencing new emotions. And it’s my job to react in love and truth and grace. It is not a small deal. As I’ve said before, we are not raising children here, we are raising healthy, capable, confident adults. So let’s start up the conversation and learn together.

And to make it easier, I’ve installed a new commenting format so that I’m not just talking AT you. Phew. I’m so glad. So please. Talk to each other. Encourage each other. And hopefully, we can all get a little wind in our sails.

{And if you want to see more of the really amazing photo shoot the kids and I did with Shauna and her kids last week - totally impromptu - check it out here. It's so awesome. I'm thankful for a friend who can capture us mommies and children in such a special way.}

My first Insta-Friday!

2012-02-09T23:00:00.000-08:00

Wait, capture this moment.

I actually managed to email my photos to myself and get them up here for my first Insta-Friday link up!

{Hello Jeannett! I sat next to you at Blog Sugar, 'member that?}

Exhale. Here we go. My week in Instagram, possibly my favorite iPhone app ever. I mean, out of the three I have.

First up: Yum. (And who else noticed that even though the Girl Scouts of America changed the name of this cookie to Carmel Delights like five years ago in an effort to be more P.C., Dreyer's continues to walk the risky line of offending an innocent Samoan. Delicious and edgy.)

Next, wow. So we've been doing spontaneous love notes in our dollar Target mailboxes ('member this post?) This is the one I got from my daughter this week. I don't know if I'm more touched by her thoughts towards me, or more in awe of her 9 year old poetic soul.

This tree took my breath away. So many blooms already, so much promise of spring. And spring always reminds me to hope. Something new is in bloom.

Ok, something frivolous. New cheapy sunglasses. $11. Now maybe the wrinkles on my brow will stop deepening from my constant squinting!

Oh and look!
I forgot to post the winner for the Rob Biagi CD and it was comment #21! Hannah Singer! Yay. No one will be mad at you, Hannah, for winning. You are way too cute and we all love you. I'll get your prize out to you soon.

I took this while helping in the library at my kids' school. That's what I do weekly. Both my kids love reading. My daughter is engrossed in The Borrowers, at the moment.

And this is what I've been reading to both of them. Because they both read independently now, I was getting bummed that my reading time to them was disappearing. So I started our own "book club," we call it. I'm too tired to do before bedtime, so it is now after school, four days a week, while we have snacks. My 6 year old little guy can get a little fidgety. But if he has a blankie and an arm around his back, he nestles right into the story. I think they love it. I'd read the classics to them until they left the house, if I could.

One more of my pretty girl.

Peace out and have a happy weekend, friends.

Grace on a Thursday: In Angel's words

2012-02-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

You may have met Angel already. I introduced her on my blog in this post not too long ago, where I shared about how much she has inspired me to stay committed and accountable to memorizing Scripture (for those of you who wanted to stay committed with me, are you following Angel's blog and commenting on her Moxie Memorizers posts on the 1st and 15th??). I always enjoy reading her blog because she is not messing around. It is clear to me that she seeks to follow her Lord with an undivided heart and then encourages others to do the same. You'll agree, when you read her thoughts on grace below, that she is a truly wise woman. Thank you, Angel, for sharing your heart (and beautiful photos!!) with us today

Grace on Thursday by Leslie inspires me to think deeply about the different aspects of the grace Jesus offers us. Much to my surprise and challenge, Leslie asked me to guest post for this beautiful series. Thank you, Leslie, for entrusting your readers to some of my thoughts on grace. I do not take your gift lightly!

Readers and friends of Leslie, my name is Angel. I wear my heart on my sleeve at Living With Moxie. Leading women to love and live for Jesus is my passion. Following Jesus with all my heart is my joy.

This is my family. My husband (Chad) and I have been married for awhile and we have four beautiful, funny, ornery, stinky kids. I love them so. God has used them to teach me great and unsearchable things about His grace. The more I love them, the more I desire to serve and please them. Is my heart the same for Jesus or do I abuse His grace towards me in continuing in the old patterns of my life?

Isn't this picture ideal? I'm amazed at what photographers can do. We both look so dreamy and sweet. But, sometimes I'm selfish, do what I want, say hurtful things, live in such a way that I wonder why in the world he would kiss my cheek so tenderly.

But, this is the truth. We are goofballs who love each other for reals. We work hard to use the example of Jesus' grace to us in our marriage. But this grace isn't a license to be a jerk, or take the other for granted. Grace that Jesus offers me compels me to obey Him more deeply, more fully. Far be it from me to take His grace and live in such a way that shows Him I have no regard for His death on the cross. To know Him and accept His grace towards me challenges me to show Him I love Him through my obedience.

Do you know what sometimes happens when Chad and I live with grace towards each other? Joy. God said that if we obey His commands, His love would truly be made complete in us. Can you imagine what God's love being made complete in us must be like? My guess is we experience pure joy!

I don't know about you, but I don't want to miss out on God's love being made complete in my life. I do not want to live for myself, take His precious grace for granted, live with the lame license to keep on sinning only to continually ask for forgiveness with a false heart of repentance. There is no laughter in that...only mockery. No joy, only foolishness.

It amazes me that God sometimes chooses to teach us about His grace through our earthly relationships. If I am unwilling to take Chad's love for me for granted, if I desire to love and serve and please him, if I am challenged to increase my knowledge of how to love my family more fully, than how much more should I seek to love, serve, give, please, know, and understand my God who loves me enough to lay down His life to save me from what seeks to destroy me? And because of His grace do I keep on sinning? "By no means!" His grace beckons me to obey and live my life to glorify Him and seek to deny the icky desires of my old gross self.

Praise be to God!

Thank You, Jesus, for your grace!

It's never quiet in my head

2012-02-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

The other day, we were in the car, and out of the blue, my husband asked me, "Is there ever a time where you are not thinking about something?" I quickly said, "No." Because it's never quiet in my head. He said that sounded like a nightmare. Okay. Well, it's where I live.

And I think that's why I can't decide what to blog about at the moment. So many good options are swirling. (Here comes list #1)

The Star Wars makeover in my son's room.
Parenting issues that I want to ask you all about.
My thoughts on my new phone, how it's interfering with my life and also really fun.
My love/hate relationship with the XBox we got for Christmas.
The new linky I want to start on thankfulness to close out each month.
My 2 year blogaversary which is like in a day or two (or maybe I missed it already).
The fact that I really wanted to link up with Erin and Ashley today with a vlog but my voice is hoarse from a cold, and I forgot about it.
My thoughts on words and love and Valentine's Day that I had as I washed out the dinner dishes tonight.

So I'm picking none of the above because it feels overwhelming, and I'm going to give you a little taste of other random stuff that fits in none of those categories, but is worth sharing. (Here comes list #2)

Did you watch this vlog by my bestie Shauna? She is the bomb at the No Heat Curls. You need to try it like yesterday.

Here is me waiting for that magic to happen.

I wanted a set of these Valentine placemats at Pottery Barn Kids, but they were pricey for thin pieces of printed foam. Mmm hmm. So my smartie mom suggested I buy only two and make two more to match. Yesss, good idea mommy. I traced one of the hearts onto double layers of heavy red ticking stripe fabric I already had, and top stitched them together after sticking some red lace in between the layers. It took minutes.

Also, look at this picture. I love it. My husband brings praise into our home. (And I'm guessing he's able to because it's not so noisy in his head and so he can make room for something so beautiful even at the end of the night.) Thank you husband. I love that my kids have this.

And here's something I need to share. That I don't want to share. Guacamole, that is.

And after feeling resentful that the cup was so small and I'd have to give most of it to my kids, I made the executive decision to BUY MYSELF another one. I guess I've never considered it before because guacamole is not cheap. But my perspective changed. Paying nearly $2.00 for guacamole is pricey. But paying nearly $2.00 for a happier heart after a day of parenting by myself and managing a child who started to cry because the choice of restaurant was Chipotle ("It's my most hated one!" = news to me, but we were already there, hungry, and tired) IS A STEAL, I tell you!

Moral of the story: Free yourself. Get your own. Because I know you mommies. I am one. It is not easy to share every single thing with our children, without complaining, including our own bodies. Daily. You deserve your own guacamole.

Finally, this is my kids' new favorite thing to watch over and over. The Ewok dog is a hit at our house. As is anything affiliated with Ewoks.

Hope you're having a great day today.

Mentoring #2 with Casey

2012-02-05T00:30:00.000-08:00

{I write a monthly mentoring post for my beautiful friend Casey and her blog Casey Leigh. When she posts the newest one, I post last month's here, just so I have it in my archives. In case you missed Post no. 2 over there in December, here it is. Post no. 3 can be found on her blog here.}

Going to the flea market is one of my favorite things to do.

I usually go without intention to find a particular thing. The fun, for me, is in the hunt for something special and unexpected. It’s like a surprise when I find it. A sweet, surprising reflection of me or my family that fits like a puzzle piece in our home.

I went to one a few weeks ago. When I got home, I was happy with my few finds. It was strange to think they were owned by someone else, or perhaps several people, before they fell into my hands. Bits of dust and fingerprints hinted at a history.

As I was thinking about the hands that have passed on the flea market treasures, I thought about the popular love for old things in our culture. We even call them “vintage,” giving an impression that the old things are increasing in value as they age, like a fine wine.

It occurred to me how similarly popular it is to have vintage faith, beliefs that have been handed down from one generation to the next.

I know many who possess these vintage treasures, who practice the traditions of their parents or loved ones with reverence, but find it hard to anchor themselves personally to God. The teachings of our parents are sometimes placed on a shelf in our hearts where we may appreciate them well enough, but neglect to make faith our own, to wipe off someone else’s fingerprints. My parents taught me many wonderful things about God and the Bible. But that gives me no more reason to depend solely on their teachings, and neglect growing my own relationship with the Lord. We are all at risk of leaning onto the traditions we learned early on and calling it faith.

And we are equally at risk of passing down our beliefs to our kids without teaching them how to grow apart from us. We will, in fact, one day be gone. I have friends who grew up with one set of beliefs and now hold totally different ones. I don’t want that future for my children. And so I need to remember that as I pass on my beliefs to them, that I also spend plenty of time teaching them to walk with God on their own.

My child’s faith cannot be about me, or after they start to grow, continue to revolve around me. I should not always be involved, meaning sometimes, it’s OK for them to pray alone at night. Sometimes, we can read our Bibles side by side, instead of me managing all the spiritual instruction. I’m called to teach them and train them in the ways of the Lord, but I also must leave room for God Himself to speak to my children. To help prevent them from leaning on a vintage faith, I need to wean myself off of playing mediator between them and God as they get older. Possibly my main goal as a mother is that my children would become comfortable with depending not on me, but on Him.

I regularly have to refresh my own sense of dependence too, wiping the fingerprints off from any hands that have passed down an example of faith to me, no matter how valuable. All the time, I’m discovering how influenced I’ve been by someone else on a matter that needs a second glance. My perspective on prayer, my thoughts on marriage, my beliefs about who Jesus is…I must spend time holding up what I’ve been taught and what I’ve absorbed out in the world against what the Bible itself says.

I must work out my own faith with God alone.

I can be encouraged by the examples of others, and no doubt God has put many great teachers in my life to reveal truth to me, but ultimately, I must walk my own walk. And I can’t walk strongly unless I’m letting go of everyone else’s hands and holding tightly to God’s.

I try to do that by reading His word and spending time talking to Him. I try my best to keep up my end of the connection, often listening, sometimes venting, sometimes pleading. Whatever challenges or blessings that come my way, I try to give God my first thoughts. He doesn’t need them packaged in any certain way.

He just wants regular, messy me.

I do love vintage things. But I like my faith brand new. Fresh out of the box, ready for action, carefully assembled by God and me as we walk together through life.

The only vintage love I have in my heart is for typewriters and tablecloths. And, of course, a few more things that I haven’t found yet.

Salvaged (and introducing my new shop)

2012-02-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

I've been busy with a new idea. And a new shop.

I've been salvaging things. Collecting bits of vintage here and there and giving them new life. The word "repurposing" is perfect because each piece I make reminds me of something very important:

By the grace of God, we can all be repurposed goods.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says,

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

That inspires me. Paul is saying "Behold!" In other words, "Pay attention to this: the new has come!" God takes old, tattered, purposeless lives and makes them new. Alive. Valuable. Full of promise. Isn't that incredible?

Just like I may find an abandoned treasure, He finds us.

He calls us by name, in tremendous love.

And when we entrust our lives to Him, He gives us a beautiful, honorable purpose.

The purpose He intended for us from the start.

My simple creations seek to reflect His heart. In a small way, in my small world, I want to share that message.

How fitting that my shop, salvage517 (named for the verse above), is opening now, in February, as we celebrate love. I think any work of redemption must start with love. So my first four one-of-a-kind creations, this time all hoop art, are themed especially for the season. (And in a week or so, I'll bring out more stuff.)

Enjoy, friends. And thank Jesus today if He's repurposed you.

Grace on a Thursday: February and expectations

2012-02-01T22:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I posted about my favorite February idea, the Valentine Advent calendar, where each person in our family writes down something he or she loves about each other person every day from February 1st to the 14th. (If you do the math, that means each of us, in our family of four, writes 14 x 3 = 42 love notes.) I came up with this about six years ago, and my family has grown to love this tradition.

So here's what's funny. Well, I'm trying to see it that way.

This year, the advent calendar idea is just not going to work for us. We needed a variation, something less demanding. God has been whispering this to me, and He knows I don't like change all that much. God knows I can hold on to things, even when they aren't the best choice, in the name of tradition or commitment. Well, we all know there is nothing wrong with a tradition or a commitment, until the cost outweighs the benefit of keeping it.

And I knew a few days ago, as we approached February 1st, that this was indeed the case this year. I'm not saying it was easy for me to let go of my expectations. My personality is a loyal one. I commit. I hold fast. I don't love to flex. (And perhaps that is exactly why God is asking me to practice just that.)

So is my post from yesterday a big sham? You can choose to think so. But my heart is the same, and we have come up with our 2012 version of sharing love and affirmations with one another.

Target dollar bin mailboxes and a bowl of valentine notes are out on display. They look adorable in my display. Anyone can write a love note for anyone's mailbox, any day of the month.

In this family, we are trying not to put rules or traditions or any activities above the good of the people themselves that those things seek to serve. We are trying to choose grace.

Grace leaves room for individuality in a home.

It leaves room for seasonality in a relationship.

It leaves room for weariness, or sickness, or circumstances that just are.

Grace sees people, accepts them where they stand, and flexes when necessary. It's favor, for no other reason. And that favor is at the heart of true love.

How on earth could I even say I'm celebrating love this month by neglecting to offer those around me grace, even when they don't want to do what I want to do?? I'm challenged and convicted by that thought in light of this month. Loving someone else is defined not only by my expression of love, but by what communicates love from their vantage point.

Perhaps letting go of the advent calendar tradition this year is the most affirming thing we can do for one another. (God, just let me bring it back in 2013! Just kidding. Not really.)

My favoritest Valentine thing.

2012-02-01T00:30:00.000-08:00

If you were around top of the page this time last year, you may have seen this post. Since then, it has remained one of my top five most-read posts. And because it's sharing something from the center of my heart, I still love it, and wanted to share it again (especially because most of you came on board in the last twelve months!). I hope you enjoy this glimpse of the family I grew up in, as well as how I've assimilated the heart of those memories into my own family traditions today.

Let Me Count the Ways

I was raised to enjoy a holiday. Holidays are good excuses for making your loved ones feel special, and Valentine's Day is no exception. At my house growing up, it was a family event. Valentine's Day was about love, and my brother and I were loved. Period.

My mom would set the fancy table in the dining room with layers of white lace tablecloths, bouquets of fresh flowers, and a stack of gifts. When my high school years rolled around, and when Valentine's Day only heightened the sting of loneliness for my peers, I had my family. I was loved. I had a party to attend and it was right inside my own home. And that meant so much to me.

I carry that tradition forward now, and have a small version each year with my two little ones. It's lots of fun. They get it: love lives here.

One of the other ways we celebrate is with our Valentine's Advent Calendar. A few years ago, I came up with the idea of doing an advent of love notes, one a day for the first 14 days of February, for each member of my family. The kids have followed suit as they have been able. Now that my daughter is 8, she is fully writing her own. My son who is 5 is excited to draw some pictures depicting the things he loves about his family.

Each morning, they come down the stairs and get so excited to read their notes, words of affirmation and affection to start off their days. I want my people to walk out the door filled with smiles and security and an unshakable knowing why they are amazing to me.

Between my husband and I, of course the notes are an opportunity for praise and affection as well. I treasure his words, as he does mine. Sometimes the notes are hard to believe. Our resistance to love is striking sometimes, isn't it? We are more comfortable with our suspicions about how the other person sees us, than embracing the fact that someone finds us completely lovely. And of course, there are always the saucy notes. You know the kind. Perfect for kindling romance and laughter.

The thing is, we don't say what we love about the people we love often enough. We miss opportunities. We take them for granted so much. Our Advent calendar is one way we put into words the little things that mean so much. At the top, it says "Let Me Count the Ways," from the poem How do I Love Thee?

Each person has his or her own column of felt pockets, until Feb. 14th.

Some of the pockets have Valentine buttons.

I'm still taking out last years notes, and getting ready to hang it for tomorrow. I stick it into the wall with push pins.

Look at our baggies from the past few years. Of course, the notes get saved. They are priceless. One year, my daughter simply wrote "I love you" on every note.

Of course, you don't have to do something as elaborate as my calendar. You could do envelopes. You could get cute little mailboxes from the craft store. You could come up with any number of simple or complicated, amazing, creative ways to affirm your family members. The point is to be intentional. The point is that you tell them WHY they are so special to you. Not for what they do, but for who they are. That is a tricky part, to stick to the character qualities and strengths, not simply actions, that you appreciate.

Everyone needs to feel seen. If we don't tell our spouses and children who we see them to be, then how will they know?

Happy February, everyone. Let's start counting the ways.

Did you swap? I did.

2012-01-31T18:41:00.000-08:00

Did you guys participate in Casey, Danielle, and Alycia's New Year's Swap?

Well, if not, too bad so sad for you.

Because I did, and I met Stephanie from Just a Little Bit Louder. Out of the 300 participants, we got matched up.

She is super cute! We were not swapping anything particular. You just had to find out what your person likes and then send them a package.

Yesterday, I got this in the mail. Oh how fun to get such happy mail treats!!

First of all, she sent me two of these. Necklaces handmade by women in Uganda.

AHHH! I love them. Not only are they adorable and stylish, but they are supporting someone's livelihood. One is a natural color, and the other is multi, which, she noted, was for my daughter. How SWEET is that? Well, I may just hold off a few days before I tell said 9-year old. I want to wear them first. I'm so mean! Act not surprised, okay?

Next, she sent me the sweetest little tea set - a pot and two little cups with owlies on them! That's because I told her I like owls and because she is very thoughtful. :) Look at this darling thing.

Finally (yes! the gifts kept coming out of that box!), the thing that meant the most to me was this book.

It is by Madeline L'Engle, an author we BOTH really adore. Well, little did I know that L'Engle wrote this daily devotional. ON GRACE. I totally needed this and didn't even know it. Right? So perfect, Stephanie!! I can't wait to get into this thing. In fact, I wish it was still January 1st so I could start at the beginning. (For those of you thinking, "Well, you could still start at the beginning and no one will care," to you I say, "You must be new." I could not read pages for days that are in the past. That's weird.)

So thank you Stephanie times a million. If I lived in way-up-northern-USA-freezing-land like you do, I'd come give you a big, giant hug. In my parka.

And thank you Casey, Danielle, and Alycia for hosting fun times!

Music and a Giveaway

2012-01-30T18:33:00.000-08:00

Music is a big deal for me.

You probably know that, because I write about songs that inspire me all the time. In my Bible Study lesson last week, I think Beth Moore said it best: A song helps us communicate something we may not otherwise say. Our whole lesson was on song, in fact. My eyes were opened as to how much the Bible references more unexpected uses of song and singing.

Psalm 32:7 says that the Lord sings "songs of deliverance" over us whenever we are afraid.

Job 35:10 says that God gives us songs in the dark of night.

Zephaniah 3:17 says that the Lord delights over us with singing.

Job 38: 4-7 says that while God was creating the earth, the angels and stars were singing together!

Psalm 63:5 says that singing lips are the result of a satisfied soul.

1 Corinthians 14:15 says that we can sing with our spirit, but also we can sing with our minds.

Revelation 5:13 says that every creature in heaven - can you picture that? - is praising God.

Isaiah 55:12 says that mountains will burst forth into song.

And Deuteronomy 31:19-22 expresses that a song greatly enhances our ability to memorize! Don't we all know this? You have to read this passage. When God is telling Moses what to teach His people, He actually tells Moses to teach them in a song. It is in the text, and it is a long one! But God knew a song was the best way to root His truth and promises into the hearts of His people. How did I miss this in the past?

(All of the above is from Beth Moore's study Stepping Up.)

So yesterday, I was in the car with the kids and we were listening to a Christian CD. I was amazed as I focused on how well my kids knew the words, and how familiar they are with all the current songs on Christian radio and the ones we sing in church. It was beautiful, really. To hear those little voices singing, "How He loves us, oooooh, how He loves us..."

I've written about this before, but it's time to bring it up again. Driving in the car is the perfect time to be instilling our children with truth through song. Many times, they are literally memorizing Scripture unaware.

And that's why I want to give one of you this CD!

Rob Biagi is an awesome Christian musician and performer for children, and he is phenomenal. I actually love Rob's music. He has such a heart for children, and his passion to teach them God's word is felt throughout. His songs speak to my heart, as well, because He is speaking truth we all need. And his are the only CDs that don't eventually annoy me. (I can only take so much Veggie Tales, I'm sorry.) We have several of his CDs, but this is his newest. You can follow him on Facebook here.

To enter my giveaway, just leave a comment! If you like Rob Biagi Music on Facebook, leave a comment for an additional entry. I'll have the random number thingy pick a winner on Wednesday night, okay?

Regardless, I'd encourage you to find some good Christian music to put on in your car and in your house. Especially if the tensions start to rise, like in the evenings, or whenever your family hits that "witching hour." Search for Christian radio stations in your area online and then program them in your first couple spots on your car stereo. Even mainstream stores like Wal-Mart and Target carry Christian CDs if you don't have a local Christian bookstore. And don't forget about Pandora. Oh, how I love Pandora! Don't you? There are a lot of good artists out there, and Pandora exposes me to new ones all the time.

For the sake of us all, if you have a favorite CD or encouraging way to lift your family up through music, please share! We can't ever get too much of it.

{OH! And don't forget to check out my latest Mentoring post on Casey's blog here.}

Linking up with my friend Jami....

Missed it again

2012-01-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

So I missed Insta-Friday again. But rules schmools. Here's a little Insta-Late.

But first, I have to tell you that my real computer is broken. Sad. This one I'm using at the moment is like 6 x 10 inches. It's my "to-go" laptop, and works fine. But my regular baby has been at a repair guy for nine days and he has determined it needs a new motherboard. How dumb is that. I don't even really know what a motherboard is. Sounds expensive and important, hence the title "mother" in the name.

Broken computers make me not want to be on one. I feel pouty and uninspired and annoyed that technology is supposed to make my life easier but usually just makes it more complicated.

Don't worry. I'm sure I'll be back into my usual blogging deal any day now. In fact, a Mentoring #3 post will be up at Casey's any minute. I'm excited for that. February is going to be super fun too. I'm opening a little *shop* soon on the blog, which I can't wait to share. And I have two guest posts on love and marriage happening elsewhere next month. {Not that I feel I have much of anything down pat in that area at the moment. Lord have mercy.}

But for now, here's a little shallow nonsense via Instagram, all in the category of my style lately.

1. Date shoes. Dorothy meets Anthro. A gift from my cool dad for my birthday.

2. Target + turquoise + $5 = comes home with me.

3. Wearing #1 and #2 above, with my pretty friend of about 12 years. 8 of us, on the town, acting like grown-ups. For the most part.

4. School drop off, taken by a passenger. Is your steering wheel like as cold as ice in the mornings? I guess it's because I park outside, not in a garage. And, well, winter.

5. Rockin' my leg warmers. A gift from my super cool friend Jenn who lives in NoCal and only likes cool stuff.

6. 2nd day of the no-heat curls. Every time I do them, I can't remember what I did without them. Except for not like my hairstyle very much. I remember that.

7. Yellow umbrellas make any grey day a little brighter.

I hope you're having a great weekend.

Grace on a Thursday: in Heather's words

2012-01-26T00:07:00.000-08:00

It is my pleasure to introduce Heather Holden to you all today! Most likely you already know her. She is such a sweetheart, spreading her love and encouragement in comments all over blogland. And she keeps a lovely blog called We Are the Holdens. Well, because they are {see below}. What a beautiful family she has, and an even more beautiful heart. She was also recently a birthday girl (January babies are extra cool).

Today, Heather was kind enough to share her thoughts on grace with us, and she includes a vulnerable story about how she encountered grace in her own marriage. Thank you so much, Heather, for reminding me that the times we find ourselves to be the most foolish are also the times we are blessed by grace the most. Please show Heather some love today (and don't forget to check out her blog)!

Grace is such a small word but one that holds such a vast meaning.

Oh, the depths that it goes. This pardon I receive daily comes without my deserving it at all.

That is what grace is to me, something given to me that I did nothing to deserve. But please make no mistake to think I should know anything other than that which I have experienced personally. The older I get the more I realize how very little I actually do know and still there is so much more to be learned.

I though,…I have received this grace. For it is by none other than grace that I am able to write out my thoughts here to you today.

Jesus and his love for me, marrying my husband, giving birth to my children - all of it grace.

I could tell you of my salvation or of all the blessings that have been given me in this life, but the pages would be never ending. This unmerited grace is interwoven in every detail of my life, and it always comes back to, points back to grace.

It is pretty easy to receive grace and it's something I desire from others. Like one day, after a late night of working on the computer, I ran across an ad for a “work from home” business. For only $99, I could receive the information to start me on my way to making a great monthly income. I went to consult my husband and get his advice on the situation only to find him snoring, loudly. My time was running out and if I didn’t make the decision quick it would be lost. How many red flags do you think I needed before catching on to this? Apparently a bunch, because I hit “purchase.” My “make money from home” business started downloading and so did the fact that I had been scammed. I was worried that Jode would be upset with me about wasting the $100, money that’s not easy for us to come by, on a scam from the computer. I was devastated that I had been so dumb and couldn’t even believe myself. He had every right to be upset at me, mad even. But you know what? He wasn’t, and he’s never thrown it up to me since….grace given.

I can’t get past the showing of grace to others. Do I give or show that same grace that I so easily want to receive? When is the last time I’ve shown grace where it has cost me? Meaning it’s hurt a little.

I can give grace to my kids, even my husband, most of the time, fairly easily. But what about the one to whom it’s hard to show grace because he or she is just a difficult person. And what if I feel a wrong has been done to me?

I think about the person in the church that my family loved and respected. We had invested our lives with him and his family, and he wronged us. I didn’t want to forgive or show him any mercy or allow any grace to flow to him. He didn’t deserve that. It was going to be hard and it was going to hurt to do those things.

But I was reminded that grace isn’t always easy. If it were easy, Jesus wouldn’t have had to die on a cross. He is the one I have to ask to give me the grace to forgive or show others. It’s definitely not about me or anything I can do on my own strength. It’s a flowing of grace in and through me so that I can give because I have been given to.

People are hurting from every direction and we have no idea what they are going through. Some just need to be heard; grace can be shown through taking the time to listen.

The wife with no baby in her womb.
The family who has gone through loss of business, land, and home.
A little girl in school who tells of her parents divorcing because her dad is mean.
The waitress with worries of how she will make ends meet.
People who are broken and need grace.
We want to experience that same grace from others as well.

I want to continue to know more and more of this grace so that it is free to flow through me.
Jesus said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Thank you Leslie for your Grace on a Thursday posts. They’re always a highlight in my day and you are an encouraging soul…a truly beautiful person.

Happy Thursday.

Three little books

2012-01-25T00:24:00.000-08:00

Well I haven't. And I'm dying to.

I have three new books and only one set of eyes. What to read first? How can I choose among a famous work on writing, a classic fiction novel I've always wanted to read, and John Piper's take on what the Bible says about marriage? All so great!

Check them out:

First up is Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life, by renowned author Anne Lamott.

This book, from what I skimmed in the store, is super witty, smart, and helpful if you love words as much as I do and want to learn how to use them even more gooder. That was a joke.

I love this excerpt:

"The core ethical concepts in which you most passionately believe are the language in which you are writing. These concepts probably feel like givens, like things no one ever had to make up, that have been true through all cultures and for all time. Telling these truths is your job. You have nothing else to tell us...There will need to be some kind of unfolding in order to contain it, and there will need to be layers. We are dealing with the ineffable here - we're out there somewhere between the known and the unknown, trying to reel in both for a closer look. This is why it may take a whole book."

Second is Watership Down, a fiction tale about rabbits. Yes, it is, and it is a world famous classic. The introduction was completely charming: this author used to tell these tales of adventure to his children while they went on road trips through the English countryside. Something about his relating telling such stories and how his girls adored them made me long for the days when cars did not have DVD players.

Finally, this was a impulsive purchase. This Momentary Marriage, by pastor, teacher and modern-day theologian John Piper. Upon flipping through, I discovered that unlike many books on marriage, this one has zero fluff. He is clear and concise regarding all Scripture pertaining to marriage and our corresponding responsibilities. There is no psychology, personality assessment or any addressing of our unique bents (which, in the right context, are really helpful to read about also). This book is simply straight truth without apology, and a call to obedience. His tone appealed to (first-born) part of my brain that longs for order and instructions to follow. It seems a refreshing contrast to the usual kinds of marriage books I prefer.

So. I don't jump on the modern fiction bandwagons (though I'm fine with the wagons, they're just not my thing). It's not The Help, The Hunger Games, or anything to do with vampires. I know these books are more obscure. But, by chance, have you read any of them? Tell me I'm not the only nerdy one.

Any votes on which I should read first?

You press the potato button

2012-01-23T12:31:00.000-08:00

Happy Monday, friends!

Well, a lot has been going on over here. I painted my son's room this weekend (with two small enthused helpers). It occurred to me to run downstairs, grab a camera, and take photos of the fun project, but I decided it was all I could handle just watching like a hawk two kids with paint rollers in a tight space. All accidents were averted, though. And his room is one step closer to being Star Wars'ed out. He has a long piece of wall that overhangs, about a foot from the ceiling. I'm going to paint it with flat black today and somehow write, "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away on it."

I've also been having fun with my new birthday phone. I totally meant to link up for my very first Insta-Friday last week and completely forgot. So this week I'll have a bunch of little cute square shots to share.

This morning I'm thinking about simplifying. I want to get back to the heart of this post, where I was inspired to ask the Lord for His agenda for my days. I need to be more faithful in surrendering my agenda, and not getting ahead of Him. That's what it feels like my regular inclination is: to get ahead of God and His work in my life.

These thoughts caused me to remember a conversation I had with a friend last year. I was telling her how I no longer cook baked potatoes because I always mess them up. She looked at me confused. I explained that I don't know if it's foil or no foil, it's a pain to puncture them a million times with a fork, I want big bakers, but then they never cook through, so are my punctures enough, I leave them in the oven for an hour and the centers are still hard...I was at a loss as to how to get a perfect potato baked. She again looked at me like I was from another dimension and said, "Well. I just throw them in the microwave." I returned her same look. "What?? For how long? Does it make them mushy? Or radioactive? Who cooks a potato in the microwave??" I obviously don't use mine much. She then leaned towards me and said in the tone I use to impress to my children that they should know better, "You just press the "potato" button."

I was baffled by the news that there was such a thing. Lo and behold, I found I had one of those. In one statement, my potato-baking became totally simplified.

This morning, I was reminded of how complicated we make our own lives. I get overwhelmed with the problems surrounding me, and I think sometimes God is essentially saying the same thing to me: "You just press the "potato button." Which in His language, equals, Let Me Handle It.

This is one of my absolute favorite portions of scripture. (I need to put it on my memorizing list!)

O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty.
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.
Psalm 131

Here are some things that are going in the "too difficult for me" folder today:

fixing the deeply rooted issues in my marriage
solving the mystery about why my daughter cried the whole morning as she got ready for school
determining how a little vacation a month from now will go
knowing how to talk to a friend who is struggling in her faith
understanding how God can heal even when things look hopeless

I will certainly take steps in all these areas to do my best. I am not making an excuse to discard my responsibilities. But I refuse to let myself worry. I refuse to overly "involve myself" in these problems. To me, that means, I need to take a day at a time. Slow down to the Lord's patient pace, bring my anxieties to Him in prayer, and trust that He is still on His throne. I am not. And I am only to follow His lead. Not rush ahead.

We complicate our lives so much. And that's not what God wants for us. I'm speaking to myself when I say, "Don't be overwhelmed by what's ahead of you this week. Just walk humbly with our God, one step at a time."

And don't forget you have a "potato" button.

Grace on a Thursday: in Parenting (and some books)

2012-01-19T00:35:00.000-08:00

As a mom, I find it really challenging to walk the fine line between training my kids in the truth and giving them grace. I've found there are two types of parents (because none of us is perfectly balanced): those who err on the side of emphasizing rule-following, and those who err on the side of emphasizing grace. Just because of the way my brain works, I'm the former kind. I set rules, and when they are broken, it seems the right thing to do is enact reasonable consequences. I presume that avoiding the consequence will be an incentive for my child to obey the next time. Common sense, right?

But is that the way God parents us? Well, yes. Sometimes. But not all the time. Often, I make mistakes and do not get what I deserve for them. I get grace instead. Unmerited favor for no good reason other than His love for me. It is a different kind of lesson, but still quite effective at shaping my heart.

So then, if that kind of grace must be a part of my parenting, then which time do I decide to give grace? And how often? Is it possible to give a consequence and grace at the same time? At what point does grace start to look more like license, and license begin to erode training? Besides walking closely with God for these kinds of case by case answers, I read books.

One book I really loved is called Grace-Based Parenting, by Tim Kimmel. Wow. It really convicted me, and made quite clear what grace in parenting was and was not. I totally recommend it.

But some friends of mine are reading a new book, called Give Them Grace. I flipped through a copy the other day and I was sucked in by the first couple things I read.

It is written by a mother and daughter pair, and basically shows how rules were never meant to make us good. Rules were set in place by God to show us that we were broken, that we could never ever be perfect. To show us our desperate need for a Savior. (Now I'm really going to paraphrase, based on what I read three days ago.) What this book said, in the two pages I read, is that in our parenting, it is critical that we are not saying to our kids, "I see that you're having trouble loving your brother. Well guess what, you HAVE to be loving because the Bible says so." But instead, we should communicate, "I see that you're having trouble loving your brother. And you know what? You can't truly love him by yourself. You need a helper. You need Jesus to teach you." It suggested we practice presenting a child's version of the gospel whenever they are faced with their mistakes.

Don't be surprised when they fail. Don't shame them for it. Don't tell them to just try harder. Tell them that everyone makes mistakes, and that's why everyone needs a Savior.

Yes, they get consequences. Yes, there is follow through and training with God's word. But there is also a clear message that they WILL fail to do what is right from time to time and that it is humanly impossible to be "good," (though so many kids I know, including my own, are striving for that title already).

I mean, how many of you are reading or have recently read blogger Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl? I believe it conveys the exact same message because so many of us as adults are broken in our understanding. We think we need to earn something with God, and so we perform the heck out of life and end up defeated. Grace is what erases all moral tally marks, empties our 'good' banks, and reminds us that we were never going to get there. And we didn't have to, because Jesus got there and is happy to wrap us in His goodness instead.

It may sound negative to basically communicate to our children, "You'll never succeed at being 'good'," but in fact, that message should be freeing to them, and to us. Every other religion seems to be all about trying harder and harder to reach God or prove oneself to Him. But true, authentic Christianity is about throwing up our hands, acknowledging our need for God, inviting Him into our lives, and allowing Him to transform us from the inside out. Only grace can be that freeing and that promising. And our kids need it.

So I'm going to get Give Them Grace, which means you'll be hearing more about it, I'm sure. And in the meantime, when my children disobey, I'm going to try the gospel approach. I have to say, when I'm being a disobedient kid, it works on me.

New Year's Eve in review (a little late)

2012-01-18T00:32:00.000-08:00

I've had so many thoughts lately that I haven't yet found a window to share about our New Year's weekend in the mountains. Some friends whom we love have an amazing cabin a couple hours away, and they so graciously invited us to spend the holiday weekend there with them.

Our family tradition for the past couple years (since the kids have been old enough to tolerate a major deviation in the schedule) has been to let our kids stay up until midnight, which means all day long, we stretch everything out. Late breakfast, late lunch, rest time around 5, dinner at 8, then maybe a game, some baking, a movie (see...with a well-oiled plan, nobody notices how late it's really getting) and then finally, the big countdown. I'm so strict with our daily routine and bedtimes that it feels extra special for them. They feel so grown up.

This year, with our pals, we added mustaches to the mix. I think it needs to remain a part of the New Year's traditions. I just HAD to show you these.

Mustaches make one feel sinister, for some reason. (Or maybe we were just sleepy.)

One bandit, not sleepy. (Until 11:30, when he asked to "take a little nap")

Caught red-handed! Rascally varmints.

2012? It's on.

I also have to share a thought I had this year. When our kids were tiny, I sort of lamented the loss of our freedom on nights such as New Year's Eve. I wished we had the luxury of dressing up, going out on the town, and getting home in the wee hours of the morning one night a year in celebration. I thought our babies were somehow holding us back.

But my whole perspective has changed. Now, the clock strikes midnight and my two beautiful, sleepy-eyed, PJ'd kids are right there brimming with excitement to share hugs, kisses, and sparkling cider toasts in fancy glasses actually made of glass. We all yell "Happy New Year" and embrace not only one another, but a coming year together as a family. Really, there is no where else I'd rather be and no one else with whom I'd rather celebrate. And when I feel like dressing up, I still do. Who says my husband and kids don't deserve a black cocktail dress even though we never leave the couch and the kitchen?

In practicing making the most of the situation, I found that the situation itself - staying home for New Year's with my kids - held the most I could ever want. This year, being with friends too was icing on the cake.

If you can remember back two weeks, how did you celebrate the New Year? Did you stay up? Did you let your kids?

On crying

2012-01-15T23:10:00.000-08:00

I'm not one of those women who say they "never cry." I am also not one who gushes at commercials. I confess I've been known to tear up at movie trailers involving kids who become BFF's with large ocean animals. But who doesn't?

Otherwise, I'd say I'm an average female crier. Romantic movies. Awesome parenting moments. Heartache. Weddings. Grief over my own mistakes. I cry at all that stuff. But what I observed in my own self recently was something that surprised me. For as much as I support self-expression, I don't always feel the freedom to cry. I still will, however (like when I can't help it), which means I often have shame or some sort of embarrassment attached to my tears.

It's true. Sad, but true. I am often in a situation where I need to cry, to let that emotion out, but also want to hide it. Sometimes it's from my kids, sometimes it's from my husband, sometimes it's from my peers at school when I step out of the car at pick up. Now, I'm not blubbering all the time. It's not often. What is it though, that makes me feel so inhibited?

Well, let me take a shot at it.

Something tells me crying means crumbling. "Pull yourself together!"
Something tells me crying should be hidden from children (um...they are people who cry all the time, so what sense does that make? )
Something echoes in my head, "Why do you have to be so emotional?"
Something whispers to my heart, "You are just too much."

I'm challenged to wonder, is this really what God intended for me to feel and think? Isn't He the one who made my body to burst forth in tears when my heart can't contain its emotion? Did Jesus feel this barrage of shame all the times He cried (which were many)? I seriously doubt it.

The other night, I was driving in the car alone. I heard something on the radio that triggered something hurting in me, and I just started crying. Weeping. I wasn't going to meet up with anyone. I had no reason on earth to feel embarrassed or ashamed to let out my emotion. And there it came, this mist-like negativity which made me feel messy and ugly.

And then the strangest thing happened. While I was crying, I had this visual in my head of Jesus smiling at me - no, He was gently laughing - not at me, but in undeniable endearment. The way I can't keep a straight face when my son throws himself on the ground in dramatics. (Sometimes I think his emotional self-expression is completely adorable.) And Jesus was looking at me like that, so lovingly. It distracted me long enough to ask an exasperated "What??" in my heart. The reply was, " Aww, go ahead and cry, my daughter. It's okay. You are so beautiful when you cry. Because it is then that your heart looks like mine."

Which made me cry harder. But this time in freedom.

Of course! How could I forget that He who holds the stars in place also fashioned for me a heart of flesh, tender and delicate. He entrusted me with powerful emotions to wield and to learn from.

And to feel.

Do you know, friends, that Jesus designed your heart to feel? Freely? We are not permitted to act on all those feelings in whatever way we choose. But we are permitted - expected - and encouraged to feel our feelings, not hide from them. Not let them shame us into an emotional corner. That night, I was hurting. My heart of flesh needed to say so. And the Lord reminded me that He too has a soft heart. He too feels heartache and grief, and I'm sure some at my own hand.

I was reminded of this verse - frankly, a verse that scares me:

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 11:19

Perhaps my biggest fear is developing a heart of stone. Oh, you know exactly what that looks like. So do I. It is a scary place to go, to feel the first bits of numbness creep in. It's easy to justify, in the name of "self-protection." I get it. I do. And it terrifies me when I find myself toeing that line. So I want to believe Jesus when He says my crying is lovely. I will eagerly throw off any shame entangled with my emotions simply because I want so badly to preserve a heart of flesh. Maintaining a tender heart is risky business in a broken world, and is no small task before God either. But God forbid I succumb to fear and let my heart grow hard.

I learned this week that my heart deserves my respect. I shouldn't extinguish or ignore my emotion and my pain. I can't let it rule me either. But I can offer my true emotions to God and let Him in. I can feel my sadness without being afraid of it, and ask Him to get to work on healing me. And most importantly, I learned that when I bear a heart of flesh, I resemble my Father most.

Now there's a reason to have a good cry.

Grace on a Thursday: Fighting to Rest

2012-01-12T22:50:00.000-08:00

I forget that rest is holy.

I decide that, instead, it is a waste of time. It is unproductive. It is indulgent. It is selfish.

But in truth, it is ordained for my life. And I forget that.

When the laundry is piled high, counters are cluttered, and demands are constant, I forget that rest is still a part of God's plan for my day. In His grace, He calls us to it.

The Lord is my Shepherd; I have everything I need.

This morning, I chose it. Yeah, I hadn't written my post for today yet. Yeah, the counters covered in school papers and breakfast dishes were shouting at me. Yeah, I had the pile of clean sheets in my hand. I started to carry them to my daughter's room to change them and busy about the day's chores. But today, I remembered.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

I set the sheets down against the roar of arguments lining up in my heart. Picked up my Bible and my memorizing notebook, and chose to rest my spirit. I read a chapter, practiced my verses, and then I took a much needed nap. Yeah, it was not even 9 a.m. yet. But God was whispering to me how much I needed it. The fight to stop doing stuff was a rough one. Obedience is often swimming upstream, against all logic sometimes. God knows that without rest, my body and soul will get sick. This favor that I don't deserve...this grace He pours out beckons me to follow.

He leads me beside quiet waters.

I woke up shocked that two hours had passed, and the second battle began. The same thoughts assaulted me - indulgent, selfish, wasteful, unproductive - and I had to hack at them as with a machete in a jungle as I got dressed. Satan is quite proficient at this strategy, I thought. He does a fine job of keeping us busy and emptied, unable to give because we do not have.

This life strips us down. Every day wears on us enough that repairs are required daily. But I have to ask myself: Do I even believe that God would rather have me rest than have me working for Him? Doing my best performance as a Christian woman? It is His grace that stops us mid-performance and says, "Rest your body, rest your mind, rest your spirit...only in rest can you find my best."

He restores my soul.

A friend told me yesterday that she's been having sleepless nights. One after another, she lies in bed awake. Unable to rest. She told me that finally, a few nights ago, she cried out to God, saying, "HERE! Take it all!" She didn't even tell me what the "all" was. She didn't have to. (We know exactly what she means, don't we?) And not surprisingly, she fell right to sleep.

May you, my friend, find rest this weekend. May you feel truly restored in your body, mind, and spirit.

But expect to encounter a fight along the way.

I suggest a machete.

Accountability to memorize in 2012

2012-01-09T23:00:00.000-08:00

When my kids went back to school last fall, I made a loose commitment to myself to memorize scripture. It wasn't quantified or anything. I just took a new notebook and started with something. I wrote it down. I read it and repeated it in my brain over and over until I KNEW it. Once I knew it, I wrote the date next to it.

It was not much of a system, but it worked. However, a few weeks later, I found Angel's blog. Actually, I think she found me, and then I found her back. She hosts a twice-monthly scripture memorizing accountability forum. On the 1st and 15th of every month, she writes a post titled Moxie Memorizers and then whoever has something memorized can type it into a comment. (Here is her first 2012 MM post. You can see my comment below it where I typed in the verses I have been working on). The bonus is that when I read through everyone else's comments to see what they're memorizing, I always find something I feel inspired to learn too. The hardest part is deciding what to learn next.

Basically, taking part in Moxie Memorizers two times a month gives me a more defined goal. You know what? It is NOT hard to memorize one verse in two weeks. Not if you have that little notebook on your desk and you flip it open every couple days and review the verse you're on. I'm sincerely surprised at how easy it's been. And when I go back to review the passages I learned over the last few months, I'm so, so pleased. I am retaining not only the words, but the truths as well. God's word is so useful! I should never underestimate how practical truth is to my everyday life.

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. 2 Tim 3:16-17

You know, if we did this every two weeks, we'd have 24 new verses committed to memory by the end of the year.

What do you think God may do with that storehouse of wisdom? And to whom could you possibly pass on such encouragement, such truth needed so desperately in our world? Your co-workers? Your children? Your friends? Most importantly, we could encourage and remind ourselves to lean not on our own understanding, but to continue to trust and follow Him.

I'm certainly keeping up with Angel's memorizing program this year. It's been such a blessing to me, I just had to tell you about it.

Want to join me??

B-day recap and my 2012 word

2012-01-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

Welp, I really appreciated all the birthday love from last week that you sent my way. It just added to the sunshine of my day.

Although, I can't lie. My B-day did have some pits. I had already cried twice by 8 a.m. Just the expected mixture of high birthday expectations mixed with trying to get the kids dressed, fed, and ready for school. For some reason, I thought those steps might run smoother on my birthday. Um, yeah not so much. (It also should be against the laws of the universe for hormones to be wacky on your birthday too. Just sayin.)

But after the house was quiet, one special friend and her little lady came over with yummy breakfast treats and iced teas for us to enjoy. Then the three of us went to get pedicures. That was fun. I haven't had one in I don't know how long.

Next stop on the birthday train was the mall. Another sweet friend met us there, and I think the highlight (besides the coconut cupcake she brought me!) was wondering whether the individual in the Victoria's Secret marketing department passed all his or her spelling tests in school. One boxed Halloween costume on the clearance table featured a sub-classy ensemble for a naughty airline employee. The name of it was "Air Hostress." Hostress. Hmm. And speaking of school, when I showed Julie the jammie shorts I was buying that said "extra credit" on the back and said, "Look what I'm getting," she replied, "Of course you are," because she knows I am a recovering overachiever and still loves me.

The day of fun chugged along as I said goodbye to my pals, picked up the kids, and we all went to the harbor with some more friends for an ice cream. It was there that I started to notice my little guy's cough. I thought it was because he was running a lot. Except then he was suddenly congested, and flushed, and ...oh no. By the time we got home and I put him in the bath, I realized he had a fever and his cough was sounding awful. How fast those bugs can descend, huh? I knew we'd have to cancel our family celebration and get him in bed early.

After letting go of the plans and wrestling with feeling sorry for myself, I was reminded that God was still celebrating me. He was smiling on me, proud of who He has made me to be. Honestly, it really lifted my spirits to think about God being with me that night. My Immanuel, just like I talked about a dozen times last month. It's real. It's now, not just for Christmas.

Then I sensed a word that He's been bringing around me lately. I hadn't noticed it until that night.

It is HOPE. That's what He wants me to focus on this year.

Hope is the word I heard in a movie I watched.
Hope is what jumped off the page in my Bible reading the other day.
Hope was the name of the woman I was behind in line.
Hope is in the title of this free eBook I downloaded and read straight through last week.
Hope is and has been all around me.

He's been whispering it to me for days.

And on my birthday, I finally heard Him. It was His gift.

I'm really curious. What will He do with my hope this year? What exactly am I hoping for? And how intentional do I need to be with this hoping? There is so much to think about. Perhaps God is giving me that word because hardship will tempt me to forget. Perhaps heartache will leave me feeling hopeless.

So I have it, a holy admonition to HOPE.

Dear friends, through the ups and downs of this year, please help me not to forget.

Do you have a word you want to focus on this year?

Grace on a Thursday: Opening gifts

2012-01-04T22:53:00.000-08:00

It's funny that Grace on a Thursday is falling on January 5th. Because it's my birthday. I'm 37 today.

I did have a passing desire to be like her and do something super generous for the world. 37 random acts of kindness in celebration. Seems like everyone's blogged about it. Everyone was all fired up a few months ago to do copycat birthday celebrations in one way or another. It's sincerely a great and inspired idea. And honestly, I totally DON'T want to do it.

Maybe because Christmas just ended, but I feel like I've just done 37 things for others. But times 10. I'm tired of doing and cooking and decorating and making every single thing intentional. I just want to get a pedicure and an ice tea on my birthday.

A piece of me feels sort of lame and selfish about that, but God is speaking to my heart. He's graciously reminding me that He wants us to take sometimes. After all, how can He fill me up if I don't take time to receive anything from Him?

What if my husband and children and friends all selected and wrapped beautiful gifts for me today and I left them unopened on the counter. Let's say all birthday long, I busied around, taking care of everyone else while they stood there staring. Then the next day, I kept on doing the same. I could not stop giving long enough to receive. I ministered at church, helped with homework, prayed for someone, fed the dog, watched her kids, called grandma, washed their clothes, made them dinner, read a story, sang a song, and picked up the mess. Just what if I never opened their gifts? What if I didn't see myself as valuable enough to stop, in order to let them give to me?

I do not want to be that woman who neglects to open the gifts God has for me.

I do not want to be someone who neglects her own soul care and calls it "giving."

(And yes, I just implied that getting an ice tea and a pedicure could constitute "soul care". It most certainly can, if those things are simply a vehicle to taking time out in order to remember who I am, and whose I am. Of course, if getting a tea and a pedicure are just part of the busying around, it doesn't count at all.)

I do really try to let God refresh me and bless me. I try to open His gifts. And not reluctantly, but with enthusiasm. With a hopeful expectation too, knowing that He is an awesome gift giver, desiring to meet my deepest needs.

I will say that being able to stop and receive blessings and refreshment from the Lord is a tricky business. It takes some vulnerability, and I know women who can't seem to do it. Either they feel unworthy, or they don't understand the importance of letting Him refresh our souls from time to time. In both cases, a better grasp of grace is needed. Grace is simply favor God has for us that we don't deserve. It has nothing to do with worthiness. It's just free love. It is room to be regular you, all performing switched off.

Grace is as important as air for us to function rightly. God doesn't need burnt out martyrs; He needs strong, healthy followers. Putting aside God's huge storehouse of blessings and refreshment and joy and love for us in the name of serving is just not His desire.

I know Jesus came not to be served, but to serve. It's the foundation of everything I believe. But sometimes we forget how much time He spent alone. Talking with His father, or his best pals. Relaxed. Getting filled back up.

Heck, back in those dirt-road days, had there been a Happy Nail in sight, He may have even gotten a pedicure. I'm just sayin'.

Teachable Moment: Anger

2012-01-03T21:43:00.000-08:00

I haven't done one of these Teachable Moments posts in a long while, but today certainly presented one I thought I'd share.

My son is 6 and a half. I wrote about him here last year, in my "Introductions" posts right after the first of the year. I love that post. It talks about his wildness, and how I see God's glorious nature in him, at times. My son is an amazing creation.

And he has a little issue with anger. I tend to believe it is a male thing to struggle more with authority. What do you think? Anyway, as the day progressed, he was in the middle of doing some keyboarding practice on the computer when it froze up and he lost his progress. He was so frustrated that it was clearly time for him to walk away. Computers sometimes freeze, and life is disappointing. We've all been there.

As a mom, I know the drill. Empathize, encourage, redirect. I managed to go through these motions with patience and authority. And still his anger flared. In times like these, I can tell that my words may as well be spoken to him under water. His brain is so flooded with emotion, I know he can barely receive my love or make out my instructions.

I could see his frustration escalating despite my efforts. I more strongly exhorted him to "find his self control" with a warning tone, and as he got up, I saw the wheels turning. He picked up a pair of scissors on the table, and I stated in my firm mommy tone, "Put the scissors down," anticipating his next move.

He threw them anyway. Not at anyone. Not even close. But he threw a pair of scissors across the room, and after hearing me say not to. I did not react, but sent him directly to time out so that he could cool down, where his anger flared higher. He stomped and shrieked, while I restated, "When you find your self-control, then we can talk." The more he acted out, the more minutes he got. That stopped him fairly quickly.

After he was composed and totally silent for about five minutes, I called him over to sit next to me. I referenced a conversation we'd had just two days earlier where I detailed 1) appropriate responses to my instructions, and 2) appropriate responses to getting a consequence when disobeying those instructions. We covered those again. But then I talked about anger and what the Bible says. It went something like this:

Do you think it is wrong to be angry? (He nodded.) Actually, it's not. Everyone gets angry, and that is just a feeling. I feel angry when I lose something important. I feel angry when I can't do something I want to do. You feel angry when something breaks, or when someone hurts you. It's okay to feel angry.

But do you know what the Bible says? It says, "In your anger, do not sin." (This is where I use the word "sin" interchangeably with "making a bad choice" because he understands that language already. Nearly all kids by the time they are 2 or 3 understand that they are capable of making a bad choice. They may not yet be able to control their impulses like a six year old, but they understand right and wrong on a basic level.)

Let's look this up. (enter: Bible Gateway, using the NIRV translation which is the NIV for early readers and which I LOVE for teaching my kids what God's word says). Let's read this together:

Scripture says, 'When you are angry, do not sin.' Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Don't give the devil a chance.
Ephesians 4:26-27

So buddy, can you see that verse tells us that it is okay to be angry, but anger will tempt us to make a bad choice? That means we have to use self-control. The part that says, "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry," means that if you have angry feelings, it's better to work them out before the day is over. If you carry your angry feelings to the next day, then you'll be even more tempted to make a bad choice. That's giving Satan a chance. He wants you to make bad choices. He knows how to tempt you when you're angry. The longer you stay angry, the more chances He'll have to tempt you.

Then I made him write it out on a 3x5 card, and let him choose where he wanted to tape it up. He taped it to the fridge and I plan to practice it with him all week. Who doesn't need to know this verse by heart, pray tell??

So let me just say, I've been watching his anger get the best of him for several days in a row now. It's a post-holiday funk, I'm sure. Just like we are all in. But particularly when I see a problem being repeated, and the usual daily management skills aren't working, this is how I combat it, people. With God's word. Because what else do I have, as a parent, to back me up? God's word holds my biggest and best arsenal of parenting tools. Nothing else is certain in this crazy world, and I want my kids to grow in both knowledge and wisdom. So I can't afford to parent without knowing what it says.

It went well. My son seemed quite happy to learn the verse, and thought it was a fun little assignment to write it down and tape it up. I gave him a colorful note card and a ball point pen. The little things can make it fun for them.

What he doesn't know is that I do the same for my big-girl self! I forget how to live according to God's ways. So I write down His word. I use cute paper. I tape it up. I memorize. I'm not reinventing the wheel. I'm teaching my kids how to grow just like God teaches me. Because, again, what else do I really have?

And at the end of the day, what else do I really need?

Recovering overachievers unite

2012-01-02T23:13:00.000-08:00

Mr. Lund will forever go down in history as being the one teacher in high school who was rude enough to give me a B.

It was my Junior year. He was so incredibly boring, I think I spent the better part of his class, Math Analysis, writing poetry in the margins of my notebook. I'm not sure if that fact is related to the getting of a B, but I'm pretty sure he just gave me one because he was that teacher: the kind who wants to ruin someone's straight A's just because he can.

That B really bugged me. If you haven't already gathered, overachieving became a sort of disease I didn't know I had for like twenty years. (If your heart skipped a beat at the sight of that scantron above, then you have it too.) And I can't really pinpoint when the change occurred, but for a handful of years now, I've considered myself Recovering.

I think the cure began to take effect when I learned about who I was in terms of my identity. Somewhere in my twenties, the truth about who I was in God's eyes began to reduce the defining potency of who I was in my parents' eyes. Or the world's eyes. Or my husband's eyes. Or, most importantly, my own eyes.

I slowly learned that I live for an audience of One.

But that doesn't mean the overachieving tendency doesn't try to sneak up on me all the time. It just means I've learned to shut it down. The truth about who I am and who I need to be (actually, who I don't need to be) shuts it down instantly.

And here's how it's working right this minute. My tendency says:

Make New Year's resolutions!
Make plans!
Calendar stuff!
Draft up goals and visions and deadlines and promises! (Because if you make them, you know you'll keep them.)
Make it happen, and then feel good about it!

But Truth says:

Yeah, those are all good things.
But are they good for you? Right now?
Do not worry about tomorrow. (Matt 6:34)
All God requires is that you walk humbly with Him. (Micah 6:8)
Don't be anxious about anything. Pray instead. (Phil 4:6)
Cease striving, and know that God is God and you are not. (Psalm 46:10)

Truth reminds me that I don't have to do anything more than what God assigns me. That is such a relief. Because when I drum up all those extra goals and projects, all I manage to really do is wear myself out and rob myself from succeeding at my actual assignments!

I know right this minute what I have on my plate (in no particular order):
Being a daughter of the King
Wifedom
Motherhood
Home care manager
Meal manager
Blogging
Bible Study
One ministry that I'm serving in
Friend

Those are all jobs He's either handed me just by virtue of my circumstances, or nudged me to take on at one point during my walk with Him. I'd say that is a lot. That list makes me really not want to add anything to it of my own accord.

So I guess my resolution is to do my current jobs well. To see my assignments as holy and valuable because they are from God Himself. I pray I can honor Him with my efforts.

The satisfaction I receive from the Lord for being a faithful worker for Him is truly far greater than any I received working for myself. Overachieving provides merely a cheap substitute for the real deal.

I think it's called Purpose.

This year {a prayer}

2011-12-31T23:00:00.000-08:00

This year, my prayer is that each of us would gain a deeper understanding of our Lord's great love, no matter what comes our way.

This year, may we seek Him more whole heartedly and find more than ever before.

As we walk confidently toward another twelve months full of blessings and trials, this year...

One Fine Day {fifteen years ago}

2011-12-30T00:52:00.000-08:00

It is way past my bedtime and I had to grab my laptop to tell you this.

I just flipped on the TV for a quick bit while I ate the last piece of leftover pumpkin pie. (I know. Let's not discuss how that is not the best choice at midnight for several reasons. K?)

But guess what movie just started? One Fine Day.

Yeah, many of you haven't even heard of it because you were like 7 years old when it came out. But that movie is really special to me.

And not so much the movie itself. But the when and with whom I first saw it. I saw it 15 years ago THIS WEEK (possibly even THIS DAY) with my fiancee of one day.

He asked me to marry him a few days after Christmas, and the next day, we went to see One Fine Day in the theater together. It was an afternoon like any other, and we had no idea what was ahead of us.

It's sort of funny, watching this now. Our lives reflect the film much more now than they did before we were married with kids.

It's full of parenting mishaps, mothering saves, teamwork, disasters, arguments, and really great depictions of the way life gets in the way of our plans.

{Maybe it would all be a bit easier if I had those legs?!}

I mean, this is often how we look! Me talking. My husband looking at me with a furrowed brow in exasperation. Right?

And yet.

This movie also clearly shows how despite all the craziness, Love finds a way.

It's miraculous, really.

I'm sitting here thinking Wow. Here we are, after 14 years of marriage, living all the same things. And my, this past year has had it's share of all of the above. But love presses on. It does. And I sincerely find that miraculous.

It's been about 5475 fine days from then 'till now. Isn't that a big number? It's startling to see it in black and white.

And right now, in the dark, quiet house, I'm reminded that God has been faithful to carry us through every. single. one.

And sweetheart, if you asked me again today, I'd still say Yes.

{p.s. netflix this one with your sweetie if you haven't seen it, despite the giant cellphones. did you notice? i think that means I'm old. ish.}

Grace on a Thursday: Freedom from the 'again'

2011-12-28T22:32:00.000-08:00

Christmas Crash and Burn has arrived.

It arrived like an hour after all the presents were unwrapped Christmas morning. We hadn't even spent the day with the extended family yet, and I near collapsed onto the couch for a nap. I was exhausted, in part, because I had a sneaky six-year old who kept getting up at all hours brimming with excitement. It was cute, like, once. But after asking to do Legos at 3 a.m., getting caught with the lights on reading "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" at 4 a.m., and claiming to be starving at 4:30, I was no longer amused.

Christmas Day, I was ready to sleep for a week. But alas. School is out and gosh darn it if I'm not going to secure yet another week of fun and happiness for the kids!

But, truth be told, I'm not all that happy. My house is messy, the laundry is piled high, gifts are strewn about on every counter, and the tree still stands, fully decorated. And I'm worn out, desperately in need of a girls' night. The time with family and my kids has been an incredible blessing, but rest is needed.

Yesterday, I finally lost it. I yelled at my kids. I yelled at my husband. I just wanted to skate away. Really a lot.

But today, in the light of a new day, I recalled the gifts God gave me this year for Christmas. {Remember this post where I suggested we ask God what He wanted to give us? Well, I did it.} One of the gifts that he spoke to my heart was Freedom. It is always a gift that we are free from the penalty for our sin if we have asked Jesus to rule our lives. But it was a different kind He gave me: the Freedom from being bound to my sin. That means, to me, that once I make a mistake, as a believer, I am free from having to make it again. I might choose to make the same mistake, but sin has no hold on me like it does for those who are not followers of Jesus. In other words, I don't have an excuse because He gives me an exit strategy every time. (1 Cor 10:13)

In her study Breaking Free, Beth Moore calls this "freedom from the 'again'," referencing how we, in our flesh, tend to travel the same roads of weakness, walking familiar paths of sin over and over and over. It is only through the grace provided by the blood of Jesus that we can break the power of the 'again' in our lives and live differently.

It is such a big deal, really. If I lose it yesterday, then confess and repent of my mistakes, there is no reason why I can't operate in an opposite manner today. That's power. That's grace! Jesus offers me freedom from condemnation, freedom from guilt, and freedom from being influenced by that sin the next time around. Who doesn't want that?! Through a steady dependence on Him, the 'again' can cease.

I am so thankful for that gift from God this Christmas.

Freedom to shake off the crash and burn of yesterday, and to let Him transform me into the woman He wants me to be today.

The Starbucks dog

2011-12-23T20:55:00.000-08:00

This is the Starbucks dog. You've probably seen him.

The dog my son has squeezed and begged for every time I've needed an iced tea for the last month.

And I know my Christmas spirit is spilling over today since I finally caved and bought him the dog. It was on sale for $5, and I wasn't with my kids at the time. I was standing in line, spying that dog, thinking of my sweet boy and how thrilling it is for me to bless my kids with surprises.

I just couldn't contain my desire to see him overjoyed at that dog. So I got my tea, and stuffed the dog in my purse for an early Christmas treat.

When I got home, I set my son on the kitchen counter, hugged his neck, told him I loved him, and then gave him the dog. He lit up with delight, squealed a little, and squeezed the dog tightly, two long times. He named him Star (both for Starbucks, and for the name of my husband's childhood dog of the same name). It was a simple, beautiful moment of my day.

And what comes to mind now is this:

“You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him."

Matthew 7:9-11

I don't know about you, but it makes me so glad that God loves to give gifts too. I sometimes feel inappropriate guilt about how our Christmas includes lots of gift giving. I forget that God is the best gift-giver ever! I think I forget that He too picks us up, sets us in front of Him, eye to eye, hugs us, declares His love for us, and hands us exactly the things we've been hoping for. Not the surface things. The deepest things. Everything we've ever truly needed.

The Lord is a generous, joyful giver, and how much more than we as parents does he LOVE to see His children's faces light up at His gifts!?

The problem for me is that sometimes I don't see Him. I miss the gifts He's trying to give, because they are not as easy to embrace as a Starbucks dog. Sometimes His gift is His presence, His peace, a breath of life in a relationship...intangible treasures. But so much more valuable than any gift we could ever give.

Tomorrow, stop yourself for a few moments. Ask Jesus what He has to give you this Christmas. Because I guarantee He is as excited to give it as you are to give your gifts to your loved ones.

I try to comprehend how much more he loves me than I love my kids, and of course, I can't. His motive and desire to bless me is beyond what I can grasp. Which is why I ought to think big. I ought to expect lavish gifts from Him - and I'm not talking about anything material (though that could be the case for some).

And what am I bringing Him? Well, I need to think about it. And I need to listen to what He longs to bring me. (A gift can't really be given unless it is also received, right?)

It's gonna be so much better than the Starbucks dog.

Lord, my prayer right now is that tomorrow morning, you awaken me and clear my mind of the million things that need to happen. And remind me to stop for a moment and listen. To receive your good gifts. And offer you mine. Even if everything else goes wrong, if others are grouchy, and I let people down, Oh Lord, let this be a great time of celebration and love in my heart, simply because I am reminded that you gave me the greatest gift of all at Christmas. Amen.

Grace on a Thursday: the usefulness of grace

2011-12-21T23:18:00.000-08:00

I think we're in it now.

Christmas crunch time. And given that I'm walking a fine line between peace and melt-down, I thought I'd write about how useful grace is, and how much others around us need it in abundance right now. Today, I had lots of chances to watch it unfold. It was a good day in that I was able to stay above the fray, but still, I saw the need for my attitude to stay in check, and that required me using grace.

I know the prerequisite for being a dispenser of grace is receiving grace in my own life first, allowing His unmerited favor to wash my heart clean so I can then pass the overflow on to others. The same is true for many things: you cannot give what you do not have. And I cannot give my loved ones grace when I have neglected the conscious receiving of it for myself. When I am not walking in grace, I am reactive, impatient, judgemental, and critical. (And hold on. It is not a coincidence that when I neglect to receive grace over my own life, this is also how I treat myself.)

But good news. Here are some ways I saw grace functioning today amidst the hustle and bustle.

Scenario 1: Three times, I have tried to contact a certain company for replacement of a gift I ordered online that came in damaged. When I finally got a person on the phone, he tried to tell me my package would arrive December 26th. I didn't overreact. I stayed kind and calm. We worked together until he managed to have it arrive in time for Christmas for me. Grace reminded me that we are all just doing our best.

Scenario 2: I called my husband at work to offer some advice on an important problem that I didn't realize he'd already worked out. He was busy, and instead of finding my call helpful, to him it was burdensome. He was dismissive and cut me short. I was hurt, but I didn't overreact. I knew I may not know the whole story of his day. After a while, he sent me an apologetic text message and later explained that his day at work was a bad one. Normally, our initial conflict would have led to an argument, or at least a confrontation. But grace reminded me to leave a person room to be human...I'm not the only one under extra pressure this season.

Scenario 3: Shauna and I did a Christmas project with the kids. It didn't go as planned. I don't often fail at crafts (because I don't try ridiculously hard ones and/or I don't give up when I should), so I was pushing down my frustration. This time, it was myself who needed grace. When I chose to give myself room to fail, the frustration just fell off. It was easier having a friend in the same boat, a friend who is really great at giving herself room. But grace reminded me that it can redefine success. A couple adjustments made the craft still totally worth it.

Maybe you have some similar scenarios happening in your life. The best advice I can give for enduring this crazy season successfully is to stay grafted to the Lord, allowing His favor and forgiveness to fill you up each morning. It's always available, yet I don't always remember. I don't always take time to connect with God and take on His lens through which He sees every scenario, and through which He sees others. And possibly, the most important person I need to see through his gracious lens is myself.

Because if I don't, if I can't allow grace in, meaning acknowledging that His death was enough to pay for my garbage, my sin and my shame, then what exactly am I celebrating this December?

It seems heavy, but right now, the truth is resting on me like a brick: apart from grace, Christmas means nothing.

So this Thursday, I am embracing Christmas, inviting Jesus and His lens to redefine my life.
He knows I am doing my best, even though I often fail.
He gives me plenty of room to be human, and understands exactly what it's like.
And He's redefined what it means to succeed.

When I run out of wrapping paper, burn the bread, and arrive a half-hour late to Christmas dinner because my kids announce they have no clean underwear, I'll try to walk in grace and remember that's exactly why I'm celebrating.

Love to you all and Merry Christmas!

It's a problem for me that the donut shop is next door to a women's gym.

2011-12-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

Dear ladies entering the gym:

You are squelching my Christmas spirit.

Because I'm in my PJ's taking kids to get donuts in their PJ's. Isn't that what winter break is all about?

Sleepovers.
{early morning light and my lame camera require stillness for clear pictures. which is a little too much to ask.}

Donuts.

And Jesus.
{In order of increasing importance.}

Did you see working out on the list? It's not on there.
{I bet you also use "XMAS."}

{If you are getting to work out over Christmas break, I'm actually just a little envious. And lazy. But there's always 2012!!}

Dear donut shop owner:
You need to relocate.

Stay tuned for a post later, where I attempt to make a snowglobe with this little friend. It will probably appear here, since Shauna and I are doing this fun Christmas break project together!

2 minutes of getting real this season

2011-12-19T21:46:00.000-08:00

I am dismantling my excuses, my walls. My pride.

I am pushing through the distractions.

I am adoring my Lord. Grateful, and adoring.

The Invited

2011-12-18T23:38:00.000-08:00

It's funny, how the King of Kings decided to show up, as a frail infant, in a feed bin, born of two young Jewish nobodies.

No one was there to watch.

And even more surprising are those with whom God decided to share the news. The first people who were told of the birth of the SAVIOR OF THE WORLD (besides the parties directly involved) were shepherds.

I have to ask WHY? I know it's not an accident. It's not that they happened to be closest. They were another handful of nobodies. They had zero influence, zero wealth, zero fame, and next to zero societal position. Why on earth would God choose them to be the first of all the world to know that the biggest moment in history just took place under their noses? Why wouldn't he choose a great public speaker, a charismatic leader, or at least a faithful servant in the church, I mean, someone who had really earned it?

I don't know. I don't even have a good guess. I could drum up a spiritual speculation. But what if it's just so simple; what if the reason He chose shepherds is because most other people felt they deserved to hear all the great things first. Maybe others believed they were more important than they actually were. Maybe the shepherds were the least deserving, in the eyes of the world, and knew it. And that made them the most deserving in God's.

So He invited them into the story. Forever. Do you see how BIG that is? The least deserving of all mankind. Humble. Lowly. Unassuming. And completely ecstatic to be chosen. I would have loved to see their faces at that moment, when face to face with an angel of the Lord, hearing the announcement of a lifetime. Of all our lifetimes! I bet they ran as much of the distance to the manger as they could.

Our church made some little cards listing the times of our Christmas Eve services so that we could hand them out. We are to invite our friends and family to church. And as I was spending the next few days casually weighing who I may invite, or not, walking through how the interactions might go, little did I know that my kids were passing out cards at school. They had each grabbed a stack. No weighing. No hesitation.

A couple days later, much to my surprise, my daughter says, "Mom, I invited my teacher to church with us and she said she'd love to come!" I was speechless, and then, I hate to admit, totally incredulous. I assumed her teacher was just being kind to respond positively, and followed up with a polite email letting her off the hook if, in fact, she was just being nice in showing enthusiasm for my daughter's brave invitation.

Guess what? The teacher wasn't just being nice. She is sincerely interested in joining us for church. And the truth is, I am a coward. I am a person to whom Jesus is saying, "Oh, you of little faith!" as I question who the "right" people are to invite to church. Because I would not have invited my daughter's teacher. I don't know her very well, and {now insert twenty other stupid excuses I could make}.

It took the simple faith of my child to remind me that God invited shepherds to Christmas. Shepherds were first on the list.

I'm challenged to ask who the unseen are. Who the nobodies are. Who the shepherds are in my life, those I take for granted, and don't really want to interact with on a personal, much less spiritual level.

Neighbors are the obvious ones. But what about coaches? Bosses. Siblings (ooh, it's getting more difficult!). Parents. The girl who works at Starbucks. The friend you think has it all together (but in fact doesn't!). The woman who scans your groceries. WHO? Who are they? Who are the last people you would think to invite?

Many years ago, in a workshop at church, we were told a statistic that shocked me: Surveys among non-church goers showed that if someone were to invite them to church, 75% would say "Yes." Doesn't that sorta startle you? Don't you have the same idea I do that if someone isn't already going to church, that means they don't want to? However, I swear the statistic had proven true in our lives. Nearly everyone we've invited to church over the past years has said "Yes."

And most of those have stayed, making church a regular part of their lives.

Maybe today you could make a list of at least three people. The last people you'd invite to church. The shepherds in your life.

Then invite them. It's Christmas, so even more reason why they might just say "Yes."

Because what if?

What if meeting Jesus is the one thing they've waited for their whole lives?

I just can't say no to the Lord asking me to reach out. Because one day, years ago, I was a shepherd. The least deserving. God knew I needed Jesus. And so He invited me into His story.

And I've never been the same.

Mentoring series

2011-12-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

Hi friends.

You may not know that I've started a mentoring series being featured by my friend Casey on her blog. You know Casey, right? She's a really amazing woman and mother with a beautiful, loving heart.

But just so I have my words at home here on my blog as well, I'll be re-posting them a month behind. (In other words, I'm posting #1 here today from last month, and she'll be putting up #2 in a day or two.)

If you follow Casey, you'll see #2 a month ahead of it appearing here!

Have a great weekend!

Don't drown in wrapping paper and gingerbread.

When I was a new mom, I read every book I could on babies. I talked to other friends who were young moms. I took the hospital classes. The idea of being unprepared freaked. me. out. So when my daughter was born, I was constantly striving to feel prepared.

In fact, I spent much of my days preparing so nothing would be forgotten and nothing could go wrong. Preparing the diaper bag. Preparing for meals. Preparing for bedtime, and nighttime feedings, and mid-day accidents, and every possibility that the day could bring my baby and me. It was exhausting, and motherhood quickly became the most stressful job I’d ever had.

I was striving to be prepared for whatever came next, many days I failed. My tricks for getting my daughter to stop crying suddenly wouldn’t work, or naptime was a disaster, or I forgot a change of clothes for her, or lost her pacifier in the store. One day, I accidentally locked her and the keys in the car. With it running. Because babies and life are very unpredictable, I felt like a constant failure.

Not only was I not enjoying my baby, but I was trying to achieve the impossible.

An acquaintance suggested I join her MOPS group (A Christian-based group for moms of kids under the age of 5). I didn’t want to go. But it happened to meet at a church across the street, so I tried it. The first meeting I attended, I felt so understood I wanted to burst into tears. Every woman around me looked like they went through the same train wreck of a morning to get there as I did, but they all seemed to be okay with it. I have no idea what the speaker talked about, only that she said, with deep sincerity, that we as mothers had the most important job in the world. Oh, the honor she lavished on me and my humble role as mother to my baby! With a lump in my throat, I left that day with new wind in my sails.

Shortly after, something clicked. I began to get a new understanding for what it meant to be prepared. I couldn’t be prepared to protect myself against every circumstance that could come our way during the day. But I could be prepared with support.

Having a support system made up of women at my same stage became my preparedness. They became my emotional and practical lifelines. I could call the mom with a child a little older than mine when I needed to ask her a question. In fact, I still do. I just recently asked her how she deals with her middle-school aged daughter and the mature content of the books she now reads. Still. After nearly ten years, I look to this mom for advice.

From then on, I made it my mission to surround myself with mom friends I could spend time with regularly. Our kids would play while we hashed out the issues we were facing as mothers. Yes, we were half-listening to each other and half-mothering. It was still totally worth it. These friendships made me feel normal; I never guessed that everyone forgot a change of clothes for their baby once in a while. Instead of feeling embarrassed about what I was getting wrong, I could see the ways in which I was growing and becoming quite capable. My self-confidence was going up, my stress was going down, and I was finally feeling free to enjoy my baby girl.

Now, I see young mothers who don’t have these kinds of friendships established. I notice they seem to feel far more hopeless, discouraged, and alone when challenges arise. Friends, God has designed us to function better in community. Find these kinds of women in your life. Join a MOPS group, or a play group, or a toddler class of some sort that meets at least twice a month and be intentional about pursuing relationships with other moms. This is NOT for the sake of your child; you are not making playdates for them. This is for you, and when you are more uplifted, you will naturally parent your child better.

It takes some work to make friends. But not as much work as it does to survive motherhood alone. Being prepared is simply a matter of having someone who understands what you’re going through and can lend a hand when you need.

“Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

Hebrews 10:24-25

“Two are better than one,

because they have a good return for their labor:

If either of them falls down,

one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls

and has no one to help them up.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Grace on a Thursday: Aftermath

2011-12-14T22:41:00.000-08:00

This song speaks grace to me.

Christmas reminds me that grace came for the "broken, the beggar and the thief".

And the weak.

And the sick.

And the abused.

And the addict.

And the lonely.

And the angry.

And the suicidal.

And the mother.

And the president.

And the abandoned.

And the adulterer.

And the lost.

I love the song's title: Aftermath.

We are all living in the aftermath of Christmas.

No longer lost. But found, in the aftermath.

Deck the halls with chicken nuggets

2011-12-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

Oh, this lovely season is flying by so quickly, it seems.

Because of our trip to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving, we put our tree up a bit later than usual. But now, the house is cozy and festive and ready for fun.

Notice I didn't say warm. It's warm if I have the heat on, slippers on, and a blanket around me on the couch.

Is it such a crime that I'm ready for my flip flops again?! (Leave me alone you-I-win-because-I-live-in-a-colder-place people. I'm a native. I'm a baby about the cold, and my body knows no different.)

Here are a few of my favorite things in my house right now (besides the peeps).

I was happy with how this wreath turned out....tinsel, book pages, fabric scraps and an old necktie I found at Goodwill. Felt birdies from Target completed it. Oh, sad. You can't see the teal one on top.

This year, it was disappointing to us all that we didn't have room in the budget for taking wish tags off the tree at church. (You know, where you buy a gift for someone needy in the community.) We've done that every year I think forever. So last week, while we were out about town, the kids and I came across this bank for $5. It's special because the lid keeps a running total on a digital screen for every coin inserted. We decided it needed to become our Christmas wish tree fund.

We collected loose change from all parts of the house and are already up over $12. Next Christmas, we are so excited to use that money to purchase as many gifts as we can for those in need.

I made these Christmas tree throw pillows out of $3 cloth napkins from Cost Plus the other day. I was so lazy; there was NO cutting and NO pinning involved. I ripped strips of black fabric for the ruffle and then jammed it into the machine as I sewed. They actually look pretty decent for the level of effort I put in!

I'm excited to do these houses with the kids next week.

Usually I'm anti-gingerbread house. Full on. However, the architecture of these seems to promise more stability, which means less stress for me. I have issues. You know that. And apparently, so does Trader Joe's. They get me.

Oh. And as for my post title, I have to say, I'm so swamped right now that what would I do without frozen chicken nuggets in the shape of Mickey Mouse heads in my freezer for a last minute dinner for the kids? Yes, that is happening and I'm not feeling guilty. And thank you so much ABC Family channel for providing a near constant stream of Christmas shows for those moments when I just want to finish the project that I'm on!!

They get me right now, Trader's, the Mickey chicken maker, and ABC Family channel.

They are helping me stave off what Meg likes to call Christmas Crash and Burn, or CCB for short. Which I love. (I don't love to crash and burn. I just love the name for it. It's so perfect.)

So what are you depending on right now for the preservation of your pre-Christmas sanity?

{linking up with Amy today!}

Wish I had river

2011-12-12T21:30:00.000-08:00

Today, I thought about an old post that meant a lot to me and still does. I looked it up, and was surprised to see I posted it on this exact day last year. What a perfect time to share it again.

It's chilly outside, the world is spinning, the responsibilities on my plate are overwhelming, and lots of people in my life are a hot mess. I myself am narrowly escaping that definition for the time being, yet I know that could change any minute too. I need to reread this, and thought maybe you'd enjoy a second glance too. Or a first one.

Joni Mitchell's River is another of my all time favorite Christmas songs.

I know, I know. I may have some opposition here. It's not really a Christmas song at all. It's more of a winter song. Not even a nod towards Jesus and the story of Christmas. But just bear with me; it's spiritual, under the surface. And actually quite moving to me.

If you haven't already gathered, or happen to be reading this blog for the first time in your life, I am a melancholy girl through and through. I find beauty in not only the beautiful things in life, but the bittersweet and sad as well. To me, there is something poignantly lovely about the human experience from its splendor to its grief. God created all our emotions, not just the happy ones, and for His good purposes. That's why a good cry can feel so good. And hitting our limits forces us to look outside ourselves for a Savior. It is in the plea, when we're at our end, that we can find that which is truly life-giving. Personally, my moments of deepest grief, deepest pain, have resulted in the most beautiful seasons in my heart. I've met God more intimately in those moments than in all the other pleasant ones combined. What isn't completely lovely about that?

Back to River.

It's comin' on Christmas.
They're cutting down trees.
They're putting up reindeer,
Singing songs of joy and peace.
Oh, I wish I had a river that I could skate away on.

You know this song? Isn't it depressing? Before I listened closely, I thought, but why? Why is she so down on Christmas? The song rambles through a few verses of winter-themed commentary, but we don't get an answer to the question of "why" until about halfway in:

I wish I had a river that I could skate away on,
'Cause I made my baby cry...

I'm so hard to handle.
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had.
Oh I wish I had a river that I could skate away on.

There it is. Brokenness. Loss. Remorse. Hurt. The Plea.

And this plea - whether Joni Mitchell's herself, or merely an invented character - is not so different from ours. Hard to handle? Check. Selfish? Check. Sometimes sad? Check. Doing my share of damage to my loved ones? Check and sigh. Sometimes I plain hate the sound of my own voice by the end of the day.

But the woman in River makes an unfortunate, though very human choice. Her plea causes her to decide to retreat. Now, I've had these days. Sometimes weeks. I stop offering my true self. A relationship gets messy and hurtful and maybe I don't deserve more. Maybe the damage is irreparable. Maybe I'm alone. I start to believe there's only one choice.

Just. Skate. Away.

How many of us are way down that river in our hearts? How many of us have tried that route of managing our brokenness? Just skate away. All of us. Every one.

And you KNOW now why this is a Christmas song at its core. This messy, unpredictable, hurtful life spinning around us is exactly why Jesus came.

In His immense love for us, He became Immanuel, God with us. Not because we deserved it, but precisely because we didn't. When we were way the heck down the river, He came to save us. He came to be with us when we were sure we were alone.

In my life, I can tell you from experience, He continually works at melting all my rivers and quieting all my pleas. He gently reminds me that my plea, my yearning for healing and that abundant life, needs to turn me towards Him, not toward an icy path of resignation and retreat.

In River, again one of my favorite Christmas songs, Jesus whispers, I'm here. I've got this. So you can untie the skates.

301 and counting

2011-12-11T23:31:00.000-08:00

Guess what? This is my 301st post!

Woo Hoo. In February, top of the page will be 2 years old. And honestly, I'm pretty sure all these words have meant more to me than to you all. Blogging has been a way for me to hammer out my thoughts and beliefs. Root them more deeply in my spirit. In a sense, it's been an amazing way for me to exercise my faith like you exercise a muscle. Working out, pushing yourself, sweating and sometimes simply enjoying the fact that it has grown stronger. I'm thankful God has taken me on this journey here, with you.

And you have added so much more to it than I could have imagined!! Thank you for all the times you've encouraged me, shared your heart, and laughed with me. Or at me. Whatevs. I'm so grateful for all of you, for the time and love you've invested here with me.

I have to tell you again, though, that whatever I'm talking about here is only what God is working on in me at that moment. In that day. I'm always compelled to tell you about the most recent thing He's either trying to rip out or plant into the garden of my heart.

And I have a little story from today to share with you. Something that woke me up a bit.

We have some friends who are going through a really hard time. We really love these friends, and have tried for over a year now to be a consistent source of truth and encouragement to them. I felt extra burdened for them this morning as I drove to church alone in my car after hearing of a recent low point in their family. I felt like maybe I should turn off the music and pray for them right then. Call on the power of God to intervene. But I didn't. I shoved it off, and thought, What's the hurry? I'll pray for them later.

Right away, I felt a heavy sense of conviction. The Holy Spirit was like, "Hmm. Because I thought you loved them. You say you love them. How much do you really love them? Or more importantly, how much do you really believe in the power of my name?"

Awkward pause.

That sort of shut my excuses up. Perhaps the thought going through my head that I needed to pray for my friends was not the same as the thought that I needed to make a grocery list for the week. The Holy Spirit was not okay with me putting it off.

I turned off the music, and pushed through my ridiculous sense of embarrassment from speaking out loud in my own car even though I was alone. And suddenly I was doing it. I was boldly asking God to reveal Himself in a mighty way to our friends this morning. Then tears started, because He overwhelmed my heart with compassion for them, and I asked that He would assemble His warriors in the heavenly realms to battle their enemies and fight on their behalf when they had no fight left in them. I asked in the name of Jesus for healing. And I asked that He would draw together that which had fallen apart. I never even said Amen.

But do you think God answered those prayers? When He initiated them, He spoke them into my heart into the first place, and He willed them? There is no question in my mind.

Once I did a Bible study on prayer and I learned that Spirit-led praying for others, also known as intercessory prayer, is simply opening up the door for God's will to go into effect. He doesn't need to use us for that to happen. And sometimes He will go around us when we are disobedient. But He gives us the privilege of being a part of His plans. I experience a great sense of blessing when I do obey Him and take part in His plans on this earth. It is so humbling to be asked in the first place, and so fulfilling when I step out in faith to act on those little promptings.

My days are filled with little promptings, aren't yours? The tricky part is staying peaceful enough on the inside to be able to deciper which are from the Lord. That, my friends, is a constant work in progress.

I'll close with a great passage. In fact, it is what we chose for my daughter's life verse. Well, verses.

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.
Ephesians 1:16-19

And that pretty much sums up the way I feel about all of you too.

Have a happy Monday.

Grace on a Thursday: Captivity

2011-12-08T23:01:00.000-08:00

Today, I keep thinking about these Christmas lyrics. (I know I know. I have a lot to say about this song. Bear with me.)

O Come O come Emmanuel,

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appears.

And how they align with this verse.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,

and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.

Isaiah 61:1

I keep thinking about captivity.

Tonight I'm reflecting on whether or not I understand my own captivity. Because if I don't have a good grasp on how sin has enslaved me in the past, and how it seeks to continually put me in chains, then Christmas means little. If I am not a hostage, then why would I need ransoming by this Emmanuel?

You know who is likely to hear the good news of Jesus with a willing heart?

Prisoners. Refugees. Slaves.

Perhaps because he or she is deeply acquainted with captivity in a way you and I may never be.

The leap from understanding one's physical imprisonment to one's spiritual imprisonment is much shorter for someone who lives behind bars. So much fruit comes from those ministries extending to people in prison. Ever thought about why?

I wasn't alive during the days when our country publicly supported the human slave trade. But I've learned since then about the wave of faith in the Lord which swept through their ranks and produced a wealth of hymns or spirituals about freedom in Jesus. It's not a coincidence. Those who have forfeited or are denied basic human liberty seem rather quick to cling to the spiritual freedom Jesus offers us.

They seem to be more aware of their need for freedom. They have an acute thirst for grace.

And I just wonder what I'm missing. I wonder how deceived I can be, living in a free country, and taking those freedoms for granted. Am I totally unaware of own spiritual captivity? Do I sometimes forget that I need Jesus at all? I look around my community and I'm sure that's part of the problem. Somehow, as we bask in the personal freedoms offered by our country, we've forgotten our much more desperate need for spiritual freedom. Without Jesus, we are nothing more than captives, mourning and lonely.

For the sake of remembrance, and giving Him the glory, I wanted to share a couple ways I've experienced freedom in my own life.

I used to be held captive by fear.

I used to be held captive by needing the approval of others.

I used to be held captive by shame.

I used to be held captive by busyness and overcommitment.

I used to be held captive by perfectionism.

I used to be held captive by the lie that I wasn't enough.

And these chapters are not entirely over. I've experienced a degree of victory over these things, but the enemy seeks to get me right back where I started with his lies that stand in the face of the truth about my freedom. I also know I have many more chains that need breaking. I was taken aback in Bible Study this week as the Holy Spirit churned up some new ones. God in His grace allows me blind spots for a time, until He knows I'm able to process them. And I'm okay with that (because I've found victory from needing to be perfect, remember?).

I want to face my captivity, because only then do I understand my need for Christmas. What is an area you've been held captive by in the past? (I'm going to turn on the anonymous commenting, in case you want to use that for something more personal). Or what is an area in which you've experienced freedom? If you need prayer for a current area of struggle, please mention that too. You are not alone. It's good, during Christmas, to contemplate these things. Otherwise, the season threatens to pass us by without bringing anything new but a handful of gifts we didn't even need.

Christmas brought Jesus, and Jesus brought grace enough to free me. I don't ever want to forget how I was ransomed. I was a captive, bought with a price - the life of Jesus Himself in the place of mine - and there has been nothing I've ever needed more.

Not his real birthday

2011-12-05T23:05:00.000-08:00

My grandpa, who passed away a couple years ago, would've turned 91 today. But what is funny about December 5th is that he didn't discover it was his actual birthdate until sometime in his seventies.

Up until that point - for seventy plus years of his life - he'd celebrated his birthday on December 4th.

Isn't that funny? I remember several years ago when he came to me with a tugging half-smile, which was about the most expression you'd ever glimpse on the veteran's usual countenance, and said he'd found a copy of his birth certificate. He quietly snorted in amusement at the mistake that had been repeated for so long. Again, it was the closest you'd ever hear to a laugh. And upon learning that he'd celebrated the wrong birthday all his life, this was his equivalent of cracking up.

Now, with Christmas nearing, I think about those I know who debate whether or not Christians should celebrate Jesus' birth on grounds that it is not the exact calendar day of his birth.

And I can't help think of my beloved grandpa.

I wonder what he did for his tenth birthday. Did he get an extra nickel for the movie theater to bring a friend along? What about his 21st? Certainly he was in the army by then. Maybe his band of brothers bought him drinks and took him to a dance hall. I'm sure, during the years he had a wife and son, my grandma made him a pot of pasta and homemade meatballs. Maybe a roast. Definitely a cake, probably with canned pineapple.

And I very much remember his 80th. I helped plan it, a great party, at a local neighborhood clubhouse. It had a holiday theme, and each place setting was marked with a small wooden nutcracker. We had catered Italian food, and a woman on the accordion warmed the atmosphere with her playing.

Were any of these moments less valuable because they happened to be on the wrong day? Was the love for my grandpa less powerful, and did any of his joy diminish after learning his birthday was actually a different day? Of course not.

I remember how greatly we anticipated that night of his 80th, so eager to make my grandpa feel loved and appreciated. I went to great lengths to prepare a slide show of old photos set to his favorite Sinatra songs. Gifts were lovingly chosen. Family members drove great distances to attend. All for him, my grandpa. A man who had burned many bridges before I was even born. A man who struggled to parent. Struggled to love. Struggled to trust God until He was tired and broken from ageing. I loved him very much, but he had a messy journey, much of which I'm thankful to have missed.

But then there's Jesus. He is the greatest man to ever have been born. He is my Savior, my best friend, and the reason I live. I have to be honest: I am so excited to celebrate His birthday! I just can't wrap my head around engaging in a debate over which day he was really born on. I don't care. I just love him. Isn't that what matters?

Think about how excited you get to throw your child a birthday party. Are you as excited or more to celebrate the birthday of our Lord? To bring him gifts of praise and gratefulness? Aren't you worshipping and singing and sharing the story with your family and friends? Christmas is such a great opportunity to share our JOY over the fact that God came down to this hopeless place in the person of Jesus to rescue us! What is more worth celebrating than that? It saddens me to think there are confessing believers in Jesus who are missing the biggest opportunity we have on the calendar to witness to the world about the real meaning of this month-long holiday season. You and I both know how much the world needs to hear it.

I'm making the most of it. I'm trying to have extra patience in lines and on the road (it's not easy!). I'm trying to really see people. Yesterday I affirmed the woman at the cash register in the craft store for her positive attitude and great smile. It's not that hard, once we see past our agendas. And I'm trying to model giving. Giving, giving, giving. That is not easy either, when times are tough financially. But modeling giving is not always about things that can be bought. It's also listening and card-writing and baking and inviting and serving too. I want my kids to see the many ways we can give at Christmas, all motivated by this: For God so loved the world that HE GAVE.

I miss my grandpa. But one day, I'll see him again. I have a feeling that in heaven, it may as well be December 25th every day.

Grace on a Thursday: Preparing my heart

2011-12-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

I was listening to the radio today with extra-open ears. I like the rock 'n' roll on occasion, and I was flipping through the channels fascinated by all the voices and what they were singing. All the emotion. What I heard when I listened closely was angst. Widespread frustration. That deep kind of expression that can earn a platinum record status overnight because it is speaking a universal cry of the human heart. Whether it's a song about love or pain or betrayal, it seems the more raw the better. I'm not talking about musical style exactly, but rather the emotion expressed overall, through the whole mix of words, instruments, and even rhythm.

I caught a bit of Rihanna's new song. The chorus repeats a single sentence over and over between the fast pulses better suited for a club than my car (btw, Volvo greatly underestimated my love for music, which is why most of my speakers are blown). The repetition hammered it's truth into my heart, "We found love in a hopeless place. We found love in a hopeless place." I'm sure the songwriter didn't intend for me to get this message, but I found myself saying, Yes, we did. Yes, Lord. You came to us, and we found love in this hopeless place.

It's the message of Christmas, isn't it? The holiday, at it's heart, sings hope. Celebrating Christmas is a celebration of grace; God Himself came down and took on flesh, getting dirt between his toes, and bringing love to this hopeless place. He didn't wait until we got better. Or tried harder. Or cared more. He showed up to graciously heal us and reconnect us to Himself. The name Immanuel means "GOD with US." Isn't that incredible?

Rihanna's song's lyrics, like all the others I'd heard, were rife with hopelessness. I heard confusion over one's purpose, the frustration stemming from trying to fill one's emptiness with cheap substitues for love, the stumbling through life searching for Eden again...and, oh, as I though about it, I was humbled! Because I found love in a hopeless place. This place is so desperately hopeless without Jesus. And those around us who don't know Him are perhaps not rock stars, but are expressing that same frustration in so many ways. They need grace. And they need the real Christmas. Not a cheap substitute.

I'm thankful that today, Jesus is readying my heart for the advent of His coming, both the remembering of His first visit that silent night in Bethlehem, and also the anticipation of the second time He'll grace this earth to finally judge and rescue and wash it with peace.

Happy December 1st! Let's ready our hearts for celebrating the greatest act of grace mankind has ever known.

The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of deep darkness
a light has dawned.

You have enlarged the nation

and increased their joy;

they rejoice before you

as people rejoice at the harvest,

as warriors rejoice

when dividing the plunder.

For as in the day of Midian’s defeat,
you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders,
the rod of their oppressor.

Every warrior’s boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood

will be destined for burning,

will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:2-6

Sit a spell with me

2011-11-28T22:35:00.000-08:00

Whew. Why is it not even December and I feel tired? For some reason the additional demands of this time of year always surprise me. I'm sure it's because of our trip and being sick prior to that. I mean, I only took down Classy Spooky like two days ago! But right now, I'm going to sit for a while and chat, with my cup of hot tea.

Do you have yours?

So first up is how much weird pressure I felt over cyber-Monday. Am I the only one? I felt like everything I was going to buy online for Christmas HAD TO BE DECIDED UPON. It was a total tyranny of the urgent situation. I fell for it, and I'm glad it's over. Sometimes I think paying an extra $5 is worth not having to get the right timing, the right coupon code, and the right everything exactly right. Am I right?

Also, I bought an advent house thingy the other day. I've never had one before that you can fill with your own stuff. My overly ambitious idea is to fill it with items that tell a piece of the Christmas story. I thought, "Ooh, that's a good idea." Then I thought, "Wait...25 very tiny symbolic items...where the HECK am I going to get all those?"

The craft store clerk tonight told me they discontinued their line of miniature things six years ago. Thanks peeps. So I bought one small lamb from amongst the animals in the toy dept. One plastic lamb. 24 more holes to go. They did have a little angel, except it looked like a baby. That kind. Um, real angels don't look like chubby babies. That is not what appeared in the sky on Christmas night - not a multitude of winged babies singing "Glory to God in the highest." Help me. I need ideas. Lego guys? Felt critters that I make myself (sounds like a lot of work!)? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Finally, at the bagel shop, I saw a poster for this today, a concert tour called A Christmas Together.

A Christmas Together Vol.2 Trailer from A Christmas Together on Vimeo.

I'm super excited and WILL go to one of these shows. I noticed too that this group of incredibly awesome Christian artists (many local to Orange County) will be taking this little Christmas shindig on the road and are hitting many west coast towns some of you LIVE IN. Hello. San Diego. Fresno. Dude. (That's not a town. Just an expression I sometimes use when I think I'm still sixteen.) But you know who you are if you live there. GO to this show. It will be awesome, and nearly all of the shows ARE FREE! What in the world, right? Sorry, I'm not trying to be pushy. Just excited.

We are in love with many of these bands, including Jadon Lavik, the Pawn Shop Kings, and Tim Timmons (who led worship at our old church for like ten years). I'm excited to get to know the others. My husband downloaded both albums today on iTunes. Those bands are so smart that they recorded all my faves. Even two versions of O Come O Come Emmanuel. 'Member how much I heart that tune? It got two posts last year. Part 1 and Part 2.

So whatcha doing today?

I hope taking some time for a cup of something warm. Cheers.

{Thanks, Amy, for hosting another Virtual Coffee this Tuesday}

Lovely moments

2011-11-27T23:26:00.000-08:00

Of all the memories made and fun we had on our trip, the most precious moments were captured in the midst of love.

Relationships are what make my life lovely.

{how can two of my loved ones be exactly eighty years apart in age??}

Generations. History. Heritage.

{my grandpa and my brother}

{my mom and my daughter}

{little guy and my grandma}

{little guy and my dad}

Family.

Friendship.

{our dear friend Kelli, who drove 5 hours to meet us in OK.}

{my sis-in-law and I rockin' the pre "no-heat curls" hair.}

Fellowship.

{my fav aunt and uncle. ok, they're my only. but if I had a choice, they'd still be my fav.}

That's a life full of lovely. Thank you, Lord.

Where would we be without each other?

Back home and a glimpse of OK

2011-11-26T22:54:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends!

I missed my little acreage in blogland. And I really missed visiting all of yours. While we were on vacay in Oklahoma this last week for the holiday break, I was aware I'd be missing all the Thanksgiving blogland happiness and inspiration. But the break was so worth it to spend time absorbing a different environment and basking in relationships I don't get to enjoy often enough.

There is so much to tell...where do I begin?

Well, how about here: today I unpacked my kids' suitcase and started their laundry. Normally, I find little trinkets in the bottom of the washer after pulling out the wet clothes. Legos, marbles, coins...I'm sure you do too. Today, I found two 9 mm bullet casings that my little guy must have plucked out of the field the day we took quite an assortment of firearms out to shoot at buckets, plastic milk jugs, and paper targets.

How's that for evidence of a different environment? To say he enjoyed his share of turns with the BB gun (and new coon-skin cap) is an understatement.

Speaking of hats, my dad has to take a silly hat with him wherever he travels. You cannot conceive of the types of hats he has in his collection. I don't know where he finds them, but the supply seems to be endless. And funny. On this trip, he chose what appears to be a golf visor that has wild grey fur-like hair poking out the top. Moving on.

My little princess discovered she has a special place in her heart for fishing. Her pops does too, so his generous encouragement and patience in teaching her helped. She was the most stylish fisher-girl I've ever seen. Our first day at the pond on my grandparents' land, she caught 10 fish (and touched zero - smart girl).

As for me, I just loved being with my family. Staying in their homes, driving on their roads, eating at their restaurants, getting a taste for their lives.

Being in someone's world helps you learn so much about them. And I loved that. I actually welled up with tears upon entering my grandparents' house, where I haven't been for nine years, and where I have so many fond memories it was just too much for my heart to contain. I also sort of knew it was likely to be my last time there. My grandparents, both in their mid-80's, are already seriously struggling to live on their own, especially living an hour away from decent medical care.

It was so very good to be with them, and with all my other relatives for Thanksgiving. I have a lot more to share, but for now, here are a few shots we ended up with that we thought would make for a hilarious Christmas card. Just imagine the captions.

It's a Jolly Holiday with Katy

2011-11-22T23:00:00.000-08:00

Hi friends!

I'm over here today, sharing on Katy's blog as a part of her Jolly Holiday series (Katy has the cutest graphic ever for this series, doesn't she? Really. I want to hang it up somewhere in my house.)

You may have read this post before, but I just hope to inspire as many families as possible to make the most of their gatherings this season and to be a blessing to those in need.

That Katy girl is so talented and beautiful and has a baby girl in her tummy. Go check her out. Every Wednesday, she's sharing jolly ideas for a meaningful holiday season. (I totally want to make the recipe from last week!)

Hey, and let me know if you decide to make Blessing Bags with your people. I'd love to hear any stories that come out of it. Have a great week.

Taking a little (midwestern) break

2011-11-18T00:43:00.000-08:00

We leave tomorrow for a trip to Oklahoma!

These are some of the things that may happen in our lives next week (that wouldn't normally).

I may catch a fish.

I may see my children shoot a real live gun.

I may see an animal after it has been shot.

I may eat an embarrassing amount of really good food.

I may giggle upon hearing "all y'all."

I may proclaim that Sonic cherry limeades actually taste better in the Midwest.

I may freak out at the sight of a water moccasin and run away, leaving my kids to get eaten by one, I guess.

I may suddenly like jewelry made with turquoise.

I may miss my pillow. And my wiener dog.

I may have a touch of nostalgia upon realizing that everything is wonderfully the same in my grandparents' house. The same smells and photos and furniture. The birdbath, the gravel, the collection of old cologne bottles. OK more than just a touch.

I may fall in love with a real thunderstorm.

I may still go to Starbucks. (C'mon, let's be reasonable.)

I may be with people I don't get to see nearly enough and also really, really love.

Wait, that one is for certain.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends. I'll miss you.

Grace on a Thursday: Despite the remembering

2011-11-16T23:07:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago, Obama's press secretary, Jay Carney, misquoted the Bible. Badly.

He was summarizing part of an address Obama gave where he said, “I trust in God, but God wants to see us help ourselves by putting people back to work.” A few hours later, a reporter asked Carney during a press conference, “Isn’t it a bit much to bring God into the jobs debate?” Carney responded: “I believe that the phrase from the Bible is, ‘The Lord helps those who help themselves.’”

Except the Bible doesn't say that. Anywhere. Of course someone was quick to bring that up, and the Obama camp looked...um...not smart.

Our culture has somehow maintained a collection of sayings that sound Biblical, but aren't actually in the Bible. They are repeated over and over, as if from the mouth of God, and are nothing more than idioms.

One that particularly bothers me is the directive to "Forgive and forget." Gosh, it kills me to hear people stumbling over this order that seems holy, and yet is mercilessly difficult. If you've ever listened to a radio program where people phone in for advice, you'll hear the burden people put upon themselves to forgive the heinous sins of others and then expect the memories to simply vanish from their minds, as if that is proof of true forgiveness.

Well, as far as I know, God is the only one who can choose to forget sin (Isaiah 43:25). And He does not require the same of us. True forgiveness is always in spite of the fact that we remember. In the circumstances that really matter, how could we not?

Some of us have endured some horrible things. I don't need to go into specifics. You know what I'm talking about. Really broken people are in our worlds, and sometimes were or are in our homes. I'm sure among the women reading this post, every sort of abuse and violation can be represented by our experiences. Some of the worst moments of our lives have been lived in the shadow of another's sin. Plain and simple.

And those moments mattered.

They are not going to easily erase like chalk on a blackboard. The wrongs committed against us were just that. Wrong. And God grieved with us the entire time. That's the truth.

Yet, we are called, as followers of Jesus, to forgiveness. Not based on the merit of another, by any means. Not because the other person feels remorse. Not because someone is even cognizant of his or her own guilt. Our burden to forgive is only because we too were forgiven by God Himself when we asked Jesus to be in charge of our lives. He paid the debt we couldn't pay, and then asks us in turn to clear the debts of others. To say to the ones who have damaged us: "You don't owe me anything."

Wow, isn't that a high calling? Almost unbelievable that God would ask that of us? I know that even in the small things, the day-to-day emotional injuries that happen, for instance, in marriage, I really want an apology. (How much more do we feel this in the bigger hurts!) I tell myself that I need an apology before I can function lovingly again. However, I've learned that is a lie intended to hold me back and keep me in bondage to my hurt. Focused on myself, dwelling on my rights, and completely forgetting whose I am.

True forgiveness must be a supernatural transaction. I cannot expect my own hurting soul to muster up that kind of grace. No way. Only the power and blood of Jesus can heal us enough to get us to that place. And these things take time. God is not in a rush for us to get there. But He does call us to obey:

"As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive"
Colossians 3:13

Forgiveness is also not a one-time deal. Because there's the remembering. God has created our brains to more deeply etch the things that move us most. The good and the bad. So naturally, the very bad hurts leave lasting scars in our memories. That is why the "Forgive and forget" mantra really messes us up. It's plain impossible. And anything but Biblical.

During some seasons, I've had to choose forgiveness daily. Sometimes several times a day, as the remembering continued. It is a choice of the will, and it is the fruit of healing, laying down my struggle before the Lord, and asking Him for grace.

Really, the more we understand what grace has done for us, the more we are able to have grace for others. Unmerited favor is a great definition for grace: nothing earned, just granted, simply because it was first granted to us.

I'm pretty darn thankful that Jesus didn't wait for my apology before He died for me.

One more project and "bad guys"

2011-11-14T22:05:00.000-08:00

Today, we completed another Happy Day Project activity, inspired by our thankfulness for service people in our community. (Yeah, it's a few days late. Whatevs.)

First we made these. Thank you Heather! How easy and delish. I will be making these many, many more times, especially with the seasonal Trader Joe's peppermint Oreo cookies that are out now. (I even ate one for breakfast this morning.)

Then I asked the kids to whom they wanted to deliver the treats. I gave them the nearest options...nurses, policemen, firemen, workers at our favorite local spots....

They chose the police. (My son said he just wanted to see a bad guy. To see what they looked like. I laughed, and said they looked just like regular people. I told him it wasn't as if "bad guys" all wore tee-shirts that say "I'm a bad guy" on them. My kids thought that was a really funny idea.)

I did not take the opportunity to explain how there is really no such thing as a "bad guy," just regular people who make bad choices. Sometimes really, really bad choices. But I just thought I'd tell you that I didn't go there. Know why? Because every moment doesn't have to be a teachable one. You know me. I am really intentional about taking advantage of teachable moments. But not all moments need to be. Sometimes, I just need to carry on with my kids, not teaching, not lecturing, just laughing at the idea that criminals could all wear matching tee-shirts that said "I'm a bad guy" on them. My son said, "Well, what if one guy didn't wear it?" I said, "Then they'd get another shirt in the mail that said, "I'm a really, really bad guy." I had them rolling in the aisles.

Back to the project. They made cards, which turned out really sweet. (Note the bad guy in the tee shirt and matching beanie declaring his guilt.)

And then we made our delivery. Not fancy. Forgot the printable. (No one noticed.)

The woman at the front desk of our local Police Services could have just taken our plate and cards and passed them on later. But she didn't. She called the Sergeant to come out and meet us.

The Sergeant could have just taken the plate and said 'Thanks," but he didn't. He offered to take us on a tour of the police station. It was nothing more than a couple offices and an empty meeting room, but the kids were wide-eyed, and thrilled.

At one point, my son walked in a full circle around the sergeant to check out all the gear strapped to his waist. The officer was kind enough to remove each thing to show him: his extra cartridges of bullets, his radio, his gun, and finally, he turned on his tazer to show us the electrical charge wiggling across the end of it. Spooky. I would not like to be a law-breaker around this big, husky guy armed with all that.

My kids were so impressed. And I hope, even though I didn't "teach" them with my words today, that they understood a little more of why we are thankful for our policemen and women. That they are brave. That they lay down their lives for us. That they are worth our honor and our thanks. So simple, and so important.

Thanks again, Jeannett and Jules, for one more chance to be a blessing.

El Roi and the homeless

2011-11-11T23:50:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is found in Genesis 16 (you can read it here). It is a very poignant story of rejection and scandal. The brief version is that Abraham and his wife Sarah are to have a son who will be the father of many nations. The only problem is that Sarah is barren. Even though God promised Sarah a son years earlier, she makes the mistake of trying to speed up God's plan by allowing her husband to sleep with her servant girl, Hagar. Hagar does conceive, which makes Sarah wildly jealous. (Um, what did she expect?) So much so that she mistreats Hagar until she finally flees.

Hagar is a foreigner from Egypt, a pagan, a pregnant woman, a runaway servant, an outcast for all of the above reasons, and is alone in the literal wilderness. Hagar is at the end of her rope, in the worst despair of her life. And the Bible says, "The angel of the Lord found Hagar..." Even when she ran, God pursued her.

Then and there, God shows up for Hagar. She didn't ask for Him, but He does anyway. He speaks worth into her soul, refreshes her purpose by giving her promises for the future, and sends her home with hope. But before she returns, Hagar gives God a new name; she calls him El-Roi, which, in Hebrew means The God who Sees. This is just so lovely to me.

This passage tells me that Hagar's question in her moment of deepest need was, "Does anyone see me?" And God answered with a resounding Yes.

When we talk about the homeless, we can talk about providing resources, food, Bibles, and all those good things. But for me, what moves my heart is answering that question they all must have. Does anyone see me? They look around our world, and the answer is clearly No.

I don't claim to see them. I don't dare say I care enough, or that I stop every time to give change or a meal. I don't. However, I know the truth, that God sees them. He looks past their scandalous stories of trouble, and longs to speak worth and hope into their souls. I believe this. He knows their names.

So I wanted to let you know something is coming. As part of the Happy Day Project, on Sunday, Julie is again sharing the idea of making Blessing Bags, something I guest-posted about last November on her blog. They are basically large Ziplocs filled with basic necessities for those in need in our neighborhoods.

I may not know their names, but God does. Handing someone one of these bags gives me a chance to say so. God cares for you, I might say. Or maybe I'll put a note in mine explaining there is a God who sees them, who is pursuing them in love.

So I hope you consider participating. It takes a handful of folks to make it happen, which is why the holidays are the perfect times to rustle up some family members to pull it off. This year, I'm thrilled to be bringing the idea to our local cub scout pack. And I know you know a group, a Bible Study, a mom's group, or a neighborhood of families who would be happy to join in a simple service project like this. The activity can be such a valuable teachable moment for children as well, one way to tear their focus away from their Christmas lists, at least for a moment.

Last year, many amazing stories came out of the Blessing Bags post, and so if you have any, I'd love to hear them after the fact. And lastly, the name comes from the Biblical idea that we are blessed so that we may be a blessing. God does not lavish us with gifts and resources just to simply enjoy. It is also so we may be generous people, and bless others in turn.

God saw you. He pursued you. By name. And He keeps pursuing, every day. He said to Peter as He says to us, "Do you love me? Then feed my sheep."

You are blessed to be a blessing.

Eleven Lessons

2011-11-10T23:50:00.000-08:00

Think about how many lessons you've learned in your life. Thousands, I'd guess, from the benefits of obeying your mom or being kind to the downfalls of speeding or not studying for a test. Which ones were the "biggies" for you? The ones about love? Faith? Working out your own identity? Of course, we are all in process, learning lessons all the time. But today I'm sharing eleven big lessons I've learned in my life thus far, in chronological order. Not elaborating much, just an overview...an outline of the things God has taught me over the years.

5 yrs old - I learned God loves me.

I was little, but I knew it. I heard it at home and in church, and I believed. I asked Him to be in charge of my little life. I had a simple understanding that if I asked Him to, He would forgive me, guide me, and be with me forever.

17 years old - I learned God has a good plan for my life.

With encouragement from one of the youth leaders in the high school group at church, I decided to break up with my boyfriend who was not a believer, and who did not share my values. I took a leap of faith and was sure hoping God would notice. I lost friends through that choice, because I was honest about my reason. A couple months later, on Halloween, I took another leap by saying 'no' to a party I knew I ought not attend. I went to the church function instead, feeling pretty lame. That night, I met a different kind of guy. We've been married thirteen years.

20 years old - I learned God's plan isn't always what I want.

That guy and I had a painful break up. We were apart for a year, and I was bitterly hurting the whole time. Until I finally opened my white-knuckled fists and laid the relationship down. I took another leap and trusted God. It seems as soon as I let it go, He restored it.

22 years old - I learned that God has a crazy way of balancing me out.

And it's called marriage. When we first got married, I think we really believed we were the only ones who married their exact opposite. It was such a shock to realize that this was actually God's way of challenging me to grow and become less self-centered. I did think on occasion that God tricked me into picking that guy. :)

27 years old - I learned that God has a MUCH CRAZIER way of growing me.

And it's called motherhood. Whoa. Motherhood has at times made me feel like a disastrous failure more than anything I've ever experienced. Talk about a refining process. I was really thrown by how difficult it was/is to be a good mother. Now, nearly ten years in, it continues to be the most rewarding and yet most humbling job I've ever been given.

29 years old - I learned my husband makes a really bad God.

After about seven years of marriage, I was so disappointed that my husband wasn't better at meeting my every need. And then I learned he was never meant to. (But knowing that was only the tip of the iceberg. Keep reading.)

30 years old - I learned that God is bigger than I ever imagined and still really loves me.

I read the entire Bible cover to cover this year, using the One-Year Chronological Bible (see bookshelf on the sidebar) which sort of forces you to read it like a novel. It permanently changed my outlook on who God is. Start to finish, I saw that the Bible is one beautiful, exciting, suspenseful, and dramatic love story written by the most passionate and creative author to have ever lived.

32 years old - I learned that I am beautiful.

Reading the book Captivating by Staci and John Eldredge (also on the sidebar) also greatly impacted me. We were going through rough times in our marriage and God used this book to speak immense validation and worth into my broken feminine heart. He reminded me that He made me beautiful in so many ways, and that He delights in who I am. He is God of the universe, but also wants to have a relationship with us in such an intimate, personal way. I think every woman should read it.

33 years old - I learned that God is my husband (and that my husband is just a human).

The rough times were continuing on, and I was out of ideas. Out of strength, and out of words. I finally saw the whole iceberg. The love I so badly wanted was available to me; I was just looking for it in the wrong place. Life-changing. My greatest lessons were coming out of my greatest heartaches. I wrote about this season in detail here.

35 years old - I learned that my story is God's story.

I started blogging a year and a half ago with the intent to share with you bits of my journey. And all along, though my "voice" has morphed a bit, my passion has remained: I really believe that part of my story is in the sharing of it. And I believe that for you as well. Part of what God is doing in my life crisscrosses with someone else's story and what He is doing over there, like times a thousand. So many times, we've learned from each other because He orchestrates it to be so. All I can do is offer up the testimonies He's given me, and trust Him to make something of it. God does not waste my pain. He bottles every tear, and infuses words with power to give hope. And I'm so thankful that part of the way He redeems our pain is by using our stories for good.

36 years old (now) - I am learning that I have no concept of what God has in store for me, in heaven or on earth.

I underestimate Him all the time, and He continues to chuckle at me, as if to say, "You have no idea. You think THIS is a big deal? Just wait and see what I can do." This has been His regular message to me over the years, bringing the verses in Isaiah to mind over and again: "Behold! I am doing something new! Do you not see it?" And last January, He gave me the word "Look" as the watchword for the year, as if to say, "LOOK! Open your eyes to my work all around you." It's the same thing I'm learning now: I cannot conceive of what great things He has in store for me. But I'm excited to find out.

So now you know mine. What's one lesson you've learned that's changed your life?

Grace on a Thursday: A sweet surprise

2011-11-09T21:22:00.000-08:00

My daughter.
She has a very thoughtful heart. She is deep and soulful and wise beyond her years.

I've written about her a handful of times on this blog, but if you're new, here are some highlights. Here is an introduction to her. Here is where I talk about how she is my first born, and with that status comes constant challenge since we are both breaking new ground as parent and child together, all the time. Here is where I wrote about my battle against the world to help her form a healthy identity. Here is a perfect example of her thoughtful heart.

And this post is where I tell you how she surprised me with grace.

Tuesday was Day 2 of The Happy Day Project, where the challenge was to give someone a handwritten note. I prayed about it that morning, and decided that I would write brief letters to my kids. I filled one card each full of encouragement and placed them in their rooms. It's easy to encourage kids when they're tiny, when every step taken and word spoken is a celebration. But when they're a bit older, the instruction and correction take up most of the words. Encouragement requires more intentionality the older they get.

Especially since we've been sick for so long over here, I haven't been intentional about anything. I've been surviving. Basically wiped out, and happy if all my people are simply fed and breathing. I haven't read them any stories. We've played no games, done no crafts, and I haven't made paper chains with them like they've begged for counting down the days 'till our Thanksgiving trip next week. I feel like all I've done is ordered them to pick up their things, do their homework, feed the dog, help in the kitchen, pick up their things, and then pick up their things like ten more times. They'd be having more fun in the army.

Back to Tuesday. I knew my daugther had gone into her room for homework time, but wasn't sure if she'd seen the envelope I propped up on her desk. About thirty minutes later, she walked out, and propped up an envelope for me against some dishes I'd just cleaned next to the sink where I was working. She said nothing, shot me a sly smile, and retreated back into her room.

Right away, I saw work went into this. She had decorated the outside with an owl sticker (my favorite) and bubble lettering. But the inside words melted me.

Then there was a drawing. She and I lying on her bed reading together. The caption said, "I love to read with you."

Cue the tears. Wow. On a day I planned to surprise my kids with words of love, she affirmed me. And in a season when I don't really deserve it! Yes, I do love crafts, and yes, I am usually there for her. But not lately. I do like to read together, but I can't remember the last time we did. Lately none of those things has been happening. And when I get what I don't deserve, well, you know what that's called. Grace.

Grace from my child is just a different kind of surprise, another level of blessing.

She said I'm the best. Well, I'm certainly not the best. Far from it. But here's a secret about seeing with eyes of grace: grace sees who you were meant to be, and brushes your failures off like eraser dust. There are definitely consequences for my mistakes at times. And I'm sure she'll have her share of issues to work through later in life because of them. But for right now, she blessed me and surprised me with her generous grace.

Her grace today is what will remind me tomorrow to lean into God's strength when I am weak. Her grace inspires me to be more of whom I was meant to be.

And I pray my grace for her will do the same.

The Happy Day Project, day 1

2011-11-07T21:47:00.000-08:00

If you've been hearing talk of The Happy Day Project all over the place, well, that's because Julie and Jeannett are making people happy. Actually, they're encouraging all of us to make others happy.

And today we accomplished the challenge for Day 1: Bring a treat to a neighbor.

I did not plan for this. I just looked at the prompt this morning, and made do. That's how I roll. If I have the stuff on hand, then great. If not, NBD. Let it slide. We'll try again another day.

But today, we actually did it. I'm not guaranteeing we'll do ALL the challenges this week. I'm just glad we did ONE. Ya know, I gotta take what I can get, and delight in the little things.

In fact, that is what today's printable to go with the challenge was all about. You'll see what I mean in a minute.

What was in my pantry:
TJ's Pumpkin Bread mix
Chopped pecans
Snoopy Cupcake liners
Dog paper plates from my son's birthday last year.

It was a turquoise and brown theme. Just kidding. There was no theme. It just worked out that way.

It took me about five whole minutes to mix up the batter.
Another five for my daughter to fill the cupcake liners {Pancake Pen required}.
Another five for my son to sprinkle on some pecans.
Twelve minutes to bake, during which we washed the dishes and loaded the dishwasher.

I had some expert "done-ness" testers. Wow, is that cake tester apparently a fun toy.

Mmmmm. Smelling so yummy. There was one muffin sans pecans. Because someone ate them all before he was finished sprinkling.

I spent another five minutes printing the note cards and wrapping the plates with yarn.

Wait. PAUSE on this post. See our new little pets in the background? Meet Rocky and Lily. Lily is the shy one. They were trying to get some sun.

Okay. Resume.

(Of course the parchment paper roll was on its last small rectangle. I learned tape does not stick to parchment. Even the super sticky box tape kind. Wrapped the other plate in plastic wrap.)

And ten minutes to deliver plates of muffins to two neighbor friends.

Ah! They were delighted. The kids had so much fun delivering them to their doors.

One friend just found out she is pregnant, and was feeling pretty awful. She sent me a text later saying our visit made her day. The other friend was so thankful as well, and my kids got invited in to see their giant turtle as a reward. Yeah...our turtles may be moving out before they become describable as "giant."

A little effort. A little modeling of kindness for the sake of the kids (sorta redeems yesterday's post? ha.) A little love...all going a long way. Thanks Julie and Jeannett.

Staying awake

2011-11-06T21:08:00.000-08:00

Friday poured rain.

It was the first day I felt like I had a little strength after being sick for the few prior. So when I picked up the kids from school, I was itching to get out of the house and do something fun with them.

We headed toward the $2 theater that plays all the family-friendly movies several months after they've disappeared every place else. The re-release of The Lion King was waiting for us in all it's musical glory.

But we had an issue at the door. I really needed to bring in my hot tea. And I mean I really needed it. My scratchy throat needed it, and my sanity needed it. It had been another bad week, which had followed a bad week, all due to sickness rotating in our house for way too long. And that warm cup in my hand was like my security blanket at that point. But the teen working the popcorn counter said I needed to throw it away. No outside drinks were allowed. I couldn't go "past the podium" with it.

So we wandered a little in the foyer while I decided whether or not I was going to obey her and trash the fresh, giant hot tea I just bought next door. I paced the tile floor, my rain boots squeaking with each step. Once, I heard her shout, "Ma'am! You CAN'T go past the podium!" Exasperation welled as I shouted back over the heads in line for candy, "WHAT PODIUM!?" I didn't know what she was talking about, and God knows I was only pretending to care.

Then I started to seethe, just a bit. She has no idea. She's never been a mother! She hasn't ever survived two weeks of kids and husband with the flu. She's never subsisted off of Saltines for two weeks, breathing nothing but Lysol in every room. She certainly has NO idea how much I need that cup of chamomile and to just enjoy a freakin' Disney movie with my kids! I paced some more. I may have had grace on Thursday, but it was Friday and I was about to let her have it.

So what did I do? Decided my reasons trumped the law. Waited until the curly-haired concessions seller turned her back, and hid my cup under my son's coat. Yes. I. did. Desperate times called for desperate measures. Those measures being a blatant disregard for modeling rule-following and honesty. I happily sipped that thing through the whole movie. And it was delightful.

On the way home, the grey skies were lifting. In fact, though the rainy darkness loomed overhead, off in the distance was blue sky and billowing white clouds. The grand ones. The breathtaking ones. And we were headed right for them. But I didn't see them. I was feeling the fatigue of the outing, slightly dizzy and wondering if I'd overestimated my wellness. And trying to let go of the mom-fail scenario back at concessions.

It was my daughter who saw where we were headed first. "Mom! Don't those clouds look like Jesus could just come down through right now riding a beautiful horse?" Her words flashed so bright into my fog that I wanted to crumple up and weep and pray that it could be so. Right now, Jesus, would be just fine with me. I said, "Yes, wouldn't that be awesome?" pushing a cheery smile into my tone.

I wanted to weep because I was weary, yes. But also because she doesn't even know the Bible well enough to know what she knows. I wanted to weep because God has hidden truth from those who think themselves wise, and revealed it to little children (Matthew 11:25). It is shocking to hear wisdom from children, isn't it? Startling, humbling.

To my knowledge, she doesn't yet know about this passage:

"Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war...On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords."
Revelation 19: 11-16

(Did you know about this? Jesus may in fact have words engraved on his skin, sort of tattoo-ish, huh? Don't get mad at me. I learned about that from this incredible book.)

I'm sure she and I have talked about this.

And then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.
Luke 21:27

But it was the first thing she thought of when she saw the clouds. Jesus coming for us.

I call that expectant. I want to be expectant, don't you? Particularly on the foggy days, when it's pouring, and I can't even think straight. I want to look past the haze, notice white puffy clouds in the distance, and expect to see Him coming.

Therefore, stay awake, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming.
Matthew 24:42

That phrase "stay awake" has also been translated "be prepared" and "be watchful." These are expressions of expectation, phrases that exhort us to remember at all moments that our Lord is in fact coming.

And something about that truth makes all the curly-haired concessions sellers, all the Lysol, all the coughing, and all the tears in all the world vanish like storm clouds in the light of the sun.

Grace on a Thursday: Facing what I am not

2011-11-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

My friend Shauna - you know her, right? (she has this amazing blog) - had an incredible mother. I never got to meet her, but I've learned things from her nonetheless. Her daughter has carried on so much of her beauty.

A story about Cindie I may never forget is how when faced with her limitations, she'd gracefully state, "Well, I have many other fine qualities." I imagine she'd smile at the same time, fully unphased by her shortcomings, and fully satisfied by the gifts God had given her.

I, on the other hand, don't love to linger over my shortcomings. I'd rather focus on my strengths, quietly ashamed of that which I am not, and secretly wishing my weaknesses would just disappear.

So when I heard that Cindie would have such an attitude - one characterized by a deep understanding of grace - something in me craved it. Her example opened my eyes and made it seem plausible that perhaps I may be able to free myself from the self-inflicted pressure to be great at everything.

Now that I think about it, I don't think I'd previously realized what a life of striving I'd been living.

Recently, I took an online spiritual gifts test. You answer questions for a few minutes, and then it tells you what you are most likely gifted in (according to the motivational gifts listed in Romans 12), and by default, that which you are not. I have to ask myself, Do I spend more time thanking God for the incredible gifts He's given me in order to be effective for His kingdom, or do I spend more time staring at the figures that say I AM NOT gifted in many others? It is a real dilemma for me some days.

So today, as we could all use some grace for ourselves this Thursday, can we try something together?

In the comments, I'm going to share with you my few gifts, and the few I certainly do not have, based on that gifts test. I'll be practicing Cindie's motto as I type the weaknesses: "I have many other fine qualities!" And through grace, I'll be thanking God for my strengths as well as my weaknesses, because those are the areas in which His power can especially shine. Amen?

If you have a few minutes, go here and take the test yourself. (It's short) Then, share your results with us in a comment. It will give you percentages for each of seven gifts. The highest couple are your spiritual gifts - strengths given to you by God himself for serving and loving the world. And for that which you are NOT, we'll know you have many other fine qualities!

(I'm hoping you have a chance to play along; since blogging sometimes feels like I'm talking AT you, I like to find ways to get to know YOU better. And don't miss the chance to read the analysis of each gift below the results. It's certainly helped me understand who God made me to be.)