Thursday, February 06, 2014

I'll just tell you. It's a post on sex. (part 2)


Married Christians are (or should be) having the best sex on the planet.

It's a bold statement, I know. Here's another one.

If you are missing one of those things (a spouse, or a relationship with Jesus) it is impossible for you to be experiencing the sex life you were intended to have. If you have both those things, then in terms of your sex life, this is the best news ever. You have the potential to be a part of that club (the "best sex on the planet" one.)

And if you believe what the Bible says, and that following God's plans are what lead us to the most fulfilling and joyful life, you will agree. This goes way beyond the physical, by the way. Clearly some people, unmarried and/or unbelievers are having "good" sex out there in the world. But they have no idea what it is supposed to be like. I'm betting that if a single, non-believer having sex later became a married believer having sex, sin issues and baggage aside, they would say there is no comparison to the feelings of love, connection, intimacy, security, freedom, and fulfillment available in the latter. By design, there is a powerful, supernatural component in sex that you simply cannot experience unless you are having it within God's plans for mankind. That's part of the reason that sex outside of God's plans is extra problematic. At it's core, sex is spiritual.

Of course that doesn't mean we're all living out the ideal scenario. Like I said in Part 1, many believing, married women and moms I know have only occasional half-interest, apathy, or worse when it comes to sex. I'm seeing there is a huge chasm between what God has designed for us and what we actually experience. And that fact has begun to grieve me to the point that I am pushing aside the voices that would say, "You can't blog about that!" and stepping into that gap with some thoughts. We need to think about this, ladies. Please join me in coming out from behind the twenty-five standard excuses and logical reasons for why you are stuck on the other side of the chasm. And together, let's work out our faith.

Yes, I do believe at the root, healthy sex starts with faith.

I read this verse this morning, I John 4:16:

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us.

It's clear that knowing God loves us and believing the love He has for us are two different things.

You may have come to know God loves you, but have you come to believe it, really? We will not be able to move towards God's best for us in our sex lives unless we believe a few things first.

1. God loves you. Don't just know it in your head. Believe it, continually, in practice, in your every day thoughts and feelings. It looks like this: when you truly believe God loves you and wants to take care of you, you will invite Him into the baggage, the resistance, the weariness, the fear, ALL the issues you have in the area of sex. When you truly believe He loves you, you will open up your heart to the idea that He has more in store for you. More than you can even imagine. Believing He loves you means you are constantly fueled with hope.

2. God can do what He says He can do. If you have deeper stuff, a painful history in this area, brokenheartedness, guilt and shame, I am here to tell you without wavering that God longs to heal you. It's all over the Bible. God is a Healer. Even if your only prayer is the two small words, "Help me, Lord," it is enough to allow Him to begin wrapping you in His powerful, capable, healing hands. He wants to turn your ashes into beauty. He wants to leave you speechless at the great and miraculous things He will do in your heart, mind, and body. Matthew 19:26 quotes Jesus as saying, "All things are possible for him who believes." All things. I realize it takes faith to believe this. But you can do it.

3. Sex is an awesome privilege, opportunity for great pleasure, and source of supernatural joy. If your own version of the sentence starting with, "Sex is...." does not somehow sound like that, then you need a paradigm shift. I'd encourage you to write out what comes to mind when you start with, "Sex is...." Be honest. Start with your raw emotions and impressions of sex right now, this week, in your life. Because if your sentence is something like, "Sex is a chore at the bottom of my list of things to do," even if you wholeheartedly believe 1 and 2 above, you'll stay stuck. Pray about your feelings and beliefs about sex itself, if you need to. Ask God to give you His eyes for sex if yours are blinded to what it really is and can be.

And lastly, I wanted to say this. In this series, I will not ever tell you that men need sex more than women so you should just have it to serve your husband. You can read any number of Christian books that say that. Of course, men and women have physical differences. But the truth is that we are ALL created to be sexual beings. All of us are designed to have awesome sex, though 'awesome' may be defined differently for men and women.

I really don't believe women have difficulty serving others so that they need to be instructed in this way; generally, I don't see selfishness as the root of our resistance or lack of desire for sex. Isn't it the exact opposite? Aren't women naturally serving and nurturing others all day long? Yet the Christian community seems to keep playing that tune, telling women we just need to serve. The message should not be, "Well, even if you don't want to, do it anyway because that's loving," but "If you don't want to, let's look at the reasons; let's seek the truth about who you are and who God created you to be."

I believe the issue of desire has almost NOTHING to do with our husbands. It has to do with us, and our lack of knowledge or belief about who God created us to be and why (if you're quietly blaming your husband in some way that is causing you to be on the other side of the chasm, please search that out with the Lord too). Yes, once in a great while, I choose to give way to my husband's desires for sex that I may not feel at the moment, and putting his needs first IS serving him in love. But others promoting sex as first and foremost an act of service, at least for women, is just encouraging dysfunction. I believe it is far more relevant and motivating to help women understand that sex is designed for both people to be engaged in and enjoying it. And if there are barriers to desire, then those need to be examined.

I hope you're still with me! I know this was a heavy post. But if we're going to ever get to the fun part, we need to face and invite God into the confusion and pain and baggage that sex often brings with it first. Chin up, my friend. God is so excited to show you what He can do. Trust Him.

I'm so glad we're walking this road together.



  1. I just want to thank you for being bold and willing to share what's on your heart related to sex. I think you are right on with what you are saying, in Truth and love.

    My husband and I have only been married a handful of years, and this last one was a really difficult one, and part of that was related to due to issues related to intimacy/sex. In the months that followed what I call our "rock bottom" for now, I was surprised to find that not very many christian women are talking about sex - at least, not in the way God intended it, and that made me sad. I found a lot of non-christian voices on the topic, but I found so many silent Christian women, and to be honest, that left me feeling a little bit lost. I can say that by leaning into Jesus and holding onto His Truth, we are doing much better - and I hope and pray that one day our story can be an encouragement to others.

    Anyways, all that to say again, thank you for being willing to talk about this. I appreciate it.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. I don't understand google, but it's always signing me in under my daughters old account even though when I first type in my name and password it shows my picture & ny name, not hers. So this is me, Heather, not my daughter :( Sorry....

  3. You are so speaking truth Leslie!! I especially loved the line... "If you truly believe God loves you..." especially for my girls. How you do approach and help young teen girls to truly believe that. I tell them all the time, but I don't really think they truly believe it yet. You know how hard it can be being a junior high & high schooler and all the struggles they face and hard choices they have to make. And Satan constantly trying to pull them away from God. I want to do better with reminding them to truly believe that He loves them more than anything

  4. Love, love, love, love this. Thank you.

  5. Excellent post Leslie. Yes! Sex was God's idea and as you remind us it is a spiritual and connective experience. We need that with our husbands. It is heart breaking how many couples do not have a good sexual relationship. Keep the posts coming they are great reminders and encouragements.

  6. great points!

    We need to bridge that chasm and speak up. I've never understand why it's okay for the world and our culture to nearly yell about sex all day long, but then good, godly Christ followers who share about it are encouraged to shush. Anyone ever read Song of Solomon?

    We need to stop being embarrassed in talking about it so that we can encourage our sisters.

    Thanks again for your boldness, your message is one that we need to hear!

  7. This is the 2nd post I've read today about sex within marriage. My husband and I blog over at about our journey through James' recovery from sexual addiction, as well as honest posts on sex. I am encouraged when I see other Christian women not afraid to talk about sex. Thank you for your honesty. Blessings to you!

    xoxo, autumn carton //

  8. Wonderful posts, Leslie! Looking forward to reading more.

  9. Praise the Lord, someone is talking about this!! I'm a restored soul who has walked the entire spectrum when it comes to sex in marriage and I'm so grateful you are encouraging women in this. I will be passing this series on to every married woman I know!

  10. Yes! I have had to work with the Lord about my servant heart and attitude toward my husband in this area. So much of my thinking was that if I don't have sex, he might look for it elsewhere online, etc. That was/is incredibly unhealthy thinking! I needed to dig deep and constantly communicate to him and the Lord about my need (right or wrong) to be recognized and affirmed in the serving I did all day, in my mothering and homeschooling...