Married Christians are (or should be) having the best sex on the planet.
It's a bold statement, I know. Here's another one.
If you are missing one of those things (a spouse, or a relationship with Jesus) it is impossible for you to be experiencing the sex life you were intended to have. If you have both those things, then in terms of your sex life, this is the best news ever. You have the potential to be a part of that club (the "best sex on the planet" one.)
And if you believe what the Bible says, and that following God's plans are what lead us to the most fulfilling and joyful life, you will agree. This goes way beyond the physical, by the way. Clearly some people, unmarried and/or unbelievers are having "good" sex out there in the world. But they have no idea what it is supposed to be like. I'm betting that if a single, non-believer having sex later became a married believer having sex, sin issues and baggage aside, they would say there is no comparison to the feelings of love, connection, intimacy, security, freedom, and fulfillment available in the latter. By design, there is a powerful, supernatural component in sex that you simply cannot experience unless you are having it within God's plans for mankind. That's part of the reason that sex outside of God's plans is extra problematic. At it's core, sex is spiritual.
Of course that doesn't mean we're all living out the ideal scenario. Like I said in Part 1, many believing, married women and moms I know have only occasional half-interest, apathy, or worse when it comes to sex. I'm seeing there is a huge chasm between what God has designed for us and what we actually experience. And that fact has begun to grieve me to the point that I am pushing aside the voices that would say, "You can't blog about that!" and stepping into that gap with some thoughts. We need to think about this, ladies. Please join me in coming out from behind the twenty-five standard excuses and logical reasons for why you are stuck on the other side of the chasm. And together, let's work out our faith.
Yes, I do believe at the root, healthy sex starts with faith.
I read this verse this morning, I John 4:16:
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us.
It's clear that knowing God loves us and believing the love He has for us are two different things.
You may have come to know God loves you, but have you come to believe it, really? We will not be able to move towards God's best for us in our sex lives unless we believe a few things first.
1. God loves you. Don't just know it in your head. Believe it, continually, in practice, in your every day thoughts and feelings. It looks like this: when you truly believe God loves you and wants to take care of you, you will invite Him into the baggage, the resistance, the weariness, the fear, ALL the issues you have in the area of sex. When you truly believe He loves you, you will open up your heart to the idea that He has more in store for you. More than you can even imagine. Believing He loves you means you are constantly fueled with hope.
2. God can do what He says He can do. If you have deeper stuff, a painful history in this area, brokenheartedness, guilt and shame, I am here to tell you without wavering that God longs to heal you. It's all over the Bible. God is a Healer. Even if your only prayer is the two small words, "Help me, Lord," it is enough to allow Him to begin wrapping you in His powerful, capable, healing hands. He wants to turn your ashes into beauty. He wants to leave you speechless at the great and miraculous things He will do in your heart, mind, and body. Matthew 19:26 quotes Jesus as saying, "All things are possible for him who believes." All things. I realize it takes faith to believe this. But you can do it.
3. Sex is an awesome privilege, opportunity for great pleasure, and source of supernatural joy. If your own version of the sentence starting with, "Sex is...." does not somehow sound like that, then you need a paradigm shift. I'd encourage you to write out what comes to mind when you start with, "Sex is...." Be honest. Start with your raw emotions and impressions of sex right now, this week, in your life. Because if your sentence is something like, "Sex is a chore at the bottom of my list of things to do," even if you wholeheartedly believe 1 and 2 above, you'll stay stuck. Pray about your feelings and beliefs about sex itself, if you need to. Ask God to give you His eyes for sex if yours are blinded to what it really is and can be.
And lastly, I wanted to say this. In this series, I will not ever tell you that men need sex more than women so you should just have it to serve your husband. You can read any number of Christian books that say that. Of course, men and women have physical differences. But the truth is that we are ALL created to be sexual beings. All of us are designed to have awesome sex, though 'awesome' may be defined differently for men and women.
I really don't believe women have difficulty serving others so that they need to be instructed in this way; generally, I don't see selfishness as the root of our resistance or lack of desire for sex. Isn't it the exact opposite? Aren't women naturally serving and nurturing others all day long? Yet the Christian community seems to keep playing that tune, telling women we just need to serve. The message should not be, "Well, even if you don't want to, do it anyway because that's loving," but "If you don't want to, let's look at the reasons; let's seek the truth about who you are and who God created you to be."
I believe the issue of desire has almost NOTHING to do with our husbands. It has to do with us, and our lack of knowledge or belief about who God created us to be and why (if you're quietly blaming your husband in some way that is causing you to be on the other side of the chasm, please search that out with the Lord too). Yes, once in a great while, I choose to give way to my husband's desires for sex that I may not feel at the moment, and putting his needs first IS serving him in love. But others promoting sex as first and foremost an act of service, at least for women, is just encouraging dysfunction. I believe it is far more relevant and motivating to help women understand that sex is designed for both people to be engaged in and enjoying it. And if there are barriers to desire, then those need to be examined.
I hope you're still with me! I know this was a heavy post. But if we're going to ever get to the fun part, we need to face and invite God into the confusion and pain and baggage that sex often brings with it first. Chin up, my friend. God is so excited to show you what He can do. Trust Him.
I'm so glad we're walking this road together.