Tuesday, January 13, 2015

on bearing a broken heart

I took a break from blogging. Some of it intentional, some not. For a time, God clearly asked me to let it lie. Walk away and focus in. He knew what I needed, because Life got....I can't land on an adequate word. None of the words begin to single-handedly describe the storms that have crashed around us in the last half-year.

I periodically checked on my blog and discovered there was a glitch and I couldn't even get in. God kept the door shut. I accepted it (after trying to walk through the troubleshooting with Blogger eleventy times, let's be honest).

But sometime in November, I recognized a flicker of longing to write again. I slowly peppered God with "maybe, do you think, I could just a little bit, perhaps get into my blog..." prayers, which grew to sincere pleas for Him to stir me again and give me my voice back. I was afraid to attempt a login for a few weeks. And when I mustered the courage, somehow the glitch was gone. He said Yes. I was in.

And then a few more weeks passed because I don't know where to start. I feel overwhelmed by the past several months. They haunt me in a way, and I'm not sure I want to recap.

I suppressed an ugly cry on New Years Eve, as the clock struck midnight and everyone was cheering and hugging. At the moment the year clicked forward, I had a jolting feeling, like you have when you suddenly need to throw up: I wanted to ball up on my bed and cry out all the grief in which 2014 had nearly drowned me. But I cheered and hugged too.

At my first job out of college, working in the back office for a Medical Supplies company, I had a very kind, very elderly woman for a boss. She owned the business, and she treated me more like an adored granddaughter, than an employee. She would compliment me with a maternal intensity, and often said, with an equal measure of fervor each time, "Your skin is like a China doll!"

I keep hearing her, in my head, because I feel so fragile.

Many times, God has carried me through valleys high up in His arms, firmly seated and safe. I thought I was strong and rooted, in a permanent kind of way. But this season has been altogether different. I realize it was never me who owned the strength. It's not that I feel He isn't with me. It's more that I'm understanding He wants to acquaint me with my broken heart. He's unwrapped his strong arms from around me, and said, "Look. You couldn't see it before, because I was holding you together. See all these cracks? All the places your heart has been crushed? I can't heal you until we uncover them."

At all times, I feel I am bearing a broken-heartedness just under the surface. The littlest offenses burn deep. The smallest hints of pain send me running. And I am not a runner. I've never been a runner. But holy crap, this hurts.

God has told me it's the only road. There is one way to healing and it's through - not around, not above, and not blinded to, but only through - the hurt, looking the broken places full in the face. And it's taking a bravery I do not know much of, yet.

You're welcome for this upbeat and encouraging re-entry into blogging.

What I mean to say is thanks for listening. I've missed you.  



  1. you're wise, through the pain is the only way.
    praying for you, leslie!

  2. I missed you and look forward to reading about the lessons of a broken heart. God is near.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. As I read this post, my heart echoed with each sentence, as 2014 was such a dark year for me--only I didn't know what darkness I was in until there was a glimmer of light in the new year. Praying for you and traveling with you, Ferial.

  4. "By sufferings only can we know
    The nature of the life we live;
    The trial of our souls, they show,
    how pure, how true, the love we give.
    To leave my love in doubt would be
    No less disgrace than misery.

    I welcome, then, with heart sincere,
    The cross my Saviour bids me take:
    No load, no trial is severe,
    That's borne or suffered for His sake:
    And thus my sorrows shall proclaim
    A love that's worthy of the name."

    -Madame Jeanne Guyon

    Thanks for being so real, Leslie. Your readers are blessed.

  5. Leslie, I am so sorry that you are hurting. I am one of many who has missed your heartfelt posts. I am glad that you are back


  6. Though I've no idea what you've gone through, I am sorry for your hurt. For the pain. I too, have been taken through very painful times by God....that seemed to go on forever. Only to come out with such a better understanding of His character that it made it so worth all of the pain. Praying the pain ceases for you soon and that you can taste the glory of being on the other side of it, rejoicing in God's goodness soon. In the meantime, I'm so happy you are back to blogging. I know God will use this...

  7. I have checked back so many times since your last post last year. Today, I thought I would check again but didn't expect anything. I was so very happy to see you back. I want you to know I have been praying for you for awhile. When you suddenly went silent I knew something was going on. Even I had no idea what and still do not, my heart has been with you and I have lifted you up in my prayers again and again. I only share that because I hope that is encouraging to you. You are my sister in Christ, you have a special place in my heart. God used you in my life, more than anyone else, when I was at my absolute darkest. I will never forget how God spoke hope into my heart thru you. And someday, (probably in heaven) I will thank you in person. :)