Befriending: 3 months in

 

I started this little informal series on friendship a while ago since I am in a unique position, after having just moved far away from everyone I know, to process how to make friends, why we make friends, and the fact that God has a plan apart from all of my own plans.

That's what He's showing me so far. His plans are really awesome. And mine, well, they're well-intentioned but it's like I'm walking through my days with blinders on. I can't see the whole story, only what's right in front of my face.

The first two months of living in MT, I tried pursuing new connections in several ways. Here are a few.

- I hung around the school after the kids got out, and prodded them to point out kids they liked so I could pounce on their moms.

- I called & emailed the church we've been attending to find a women's Bible study to join.

- I chaperoned two school field trips with the hopes of meeting other parents and getting a feel for the other kids.

- I punched numbers into my phone as soon as I met another mom at school or church or a field trip. I think I got at least 4.

- I was happy to converse with any and everyone who showed interest. Neighbors. The woman at the pool. The mom in the grocery store parking lot.

So far, I can confidently say that much of my effort fell flat. It didn't amount to much of anything. Sometimes, the people I tried to pursue further turned out to be not the best match, for one reason or another. (Really there are SO many factors involved, no wonder it's so hard to make a friend. A huge factor, if you're a mom, is the kid-to-kid dynamics, then there are different grown-up personalities, life stage, and a huge one, I'm realizing, is simply how busy a family has chosen to be. Super busy families are probably not ones willing to fit in new relationships.)

The chance to meet women at church could have been better if we had not moved in April, right when every Bible study and ministry was wrapping up to shut down for the summer. Those efforts too fell flat.

But as nearly all my efforts to make friends were failing, I observed that during all my wheel-spinning, God was at work too. Separately. Not sharing His plans with me, just secretly acting on my behalf. It was as if He was right alongside me, making things happen I could have NEVER predicted or pursued.

The first weird thing was that a stranger who reads my blog spotted something familiar in one of my pictures I posted months ago. Though she had never contacted me before, she had the courage to email me, saying she knew exactly where I was, grew up in my town, and spends the whole summer here with her husband and three kids. She was arriving in only a couple weeks and SHE asked ME to meet up for coffee. Notice this? God just casually placed not a creepy stalker, but an amazing mommy friend in my path who was pursuing ME. He made it clear that He was the one doing all the work this time.

Since then, we've hung out a lot. Our boys love each other's company. They attended VBS together. We spent the 4th of July with their extended family, and I cannot tell you how blessed I've felt to have her as a friend. I might cry when she goes back home in two weeks. I took that photo of cowgirl boots at the top the night we met up for dinner and she offered to show me the best places in town to find some. I'm so blessed by her friendship. I know I said that already. I have no pictures of the boys because, well, they're boys. They move a lot.

The next weird thing that God did was to draw my children each to one friend in class who, turns out, happens to have an amazing Christian family. I think that is pretty remarkable. I didn't find these friends. God did. He planned this whole sneaky thing. And in the 9 weeks my kids attended the local public elementary school, they connected - just enough - with a child.

I met one family at Open House, as they were checking out their son's classroom the same time we were. We exchanged numbers then, and I talked further to one of the parents on the field trip, who also chaperoned. Then one day, the mom invited my kids and I on a picnic at a park. Our time turned out to be such a salve to my soul! True fellowship with another believer who easily speaks about matters of faith is a treasure. And God brought this family, this fellow mommy, into my life just when I needed her. She was so loving to me. I'm so thankful.

And finally, my daughter connected with one of the sweetest girls you could find. They had a couple playdates, but recently, the family invited us over to their house for a last minute casual dinner. It was our first dinner invite since we've moved, and again, I can't tell you how much it blessed me. I kept thanking them for extending friendship to us, and offering a night away from home to enjoy adult company while our kids played throughout the evening. I don't know if they felt the same, but it seemed a great fit. You know how it is; it's tricky when you meet another family. There are mom dynamics, husband dynamics, and kid dynamics. Other than my son getting a little picked on by the swarm of girls, everyone enjoyed each other's company. Who knew that love from the body of Christ could be so powerful simply amongst pulled pork sandwiches, trampoline jumping, and the warm July night? There was no intense prayer time or deep spiritual conversation happening. We were just laughing and eating and parenting. But together. 

Then they invited us to the rodeo. That was a really fun time too. Well, for us, anyway. Not the baby cows getting flung down into the dirt. We had nachos, snow cones, watched fireworks, and oooh'd and ahhh'd at a lot of fancy cowboy tricks. This is the way relationships grow. Togetherness, shared memories, and junk food.

So three months in, lessons learned:

1. No matter how hard I try, God has plans that WILL meet my needs when I need them met. If I'm looking for them, I'll be ready to respond and cooperate and do my part. (It's not charity; He always makes sure I have a part to do too.)

2. Extending friendship to another woman or another family is a BIG deal. People don't do it enough. I didn't do it enough in the past. But now, realizing how much it means to me, I'm resolving to be more proactive, particularly to newcomers like in my neighborhood or church. You could too, if you're at a place in life to do so. Invite a family over for dinner. Ask someone to coffee, or to a picnic with kids at the park. Open your life up to someone who may be in need of fellowship or a little hospitality. I bet you may even need it too.

Have someone in mind? You may be the person God wants to use to meet her needs.

She'll be grateful beyond words.  

 

Befriending: Why we need friends

 

Last week, I shared a bit about my unique position right now, having just moved, to start a series on friendship.

Well, there are so many aspects of friendship, making friends, keeping friends, being a friend, and being without friends. But all of these conversations we could have stem from something: there are underlying reasons - Biblical reasons - why we all need friends.

I'm not saying there aren't seasons of our lives when God may remove a friendship for some other purpose. He can and does. Sometimes He clearly uses our absence of a friend, our loneliness, to drive us to a deeper relationship with Himself. He is, you know, always calling us to deepen our friendship with Him first and foremost.

But assuming you are in an average season of life, walking with God, there are reasons why you and I should put energy into pursuing and growing friendships. (I'm sure there are really good books on this subject, by the way. I'm not taking these truths from one; they are just from my heart and what I've learned in my life.)

Reason 1: We were designed to live in relationship.

When God created Adam, for the first time, He said, "This is not good," because Adam was alone (Genesis 2:18). So God gave him company. It was Eve, and she was not only his wife, but also his friend. The relationship between Adam and Eve was the first reflection, or symbolic relationship, of the one between God and his people. Never for a moment were we meant to be isolated.

God had a plan, here. We don't get to decide what's best for us. Of course we need regular solitude to refresh our spirits with the Lord. But in a broader sense, we were never, ever meant to be fully independent in this life. And God knows that that plan is harder for some personalities to navigate than others. Even in the absence of human friendship, we were created to be in intimate connection with God. Sometimes it's called fellowship. Just like He wants us to enjoy fellowship with Him, He urges us to pursue friendship and thus find fellowship with others. Even if that pursuit feels difficult and risky.

And I believe that because mankind's bent is to want to go our own way (let's face it, being alone and independent is often easier, safer), He is always pressing in, teaching us how to deepen our interdependence with Him and with His family. Jesus modeled this for us, and says in John 15:15,

"I no longer call you servants, because a master doesn't confide in his servants. Now you are my friends."

Friends are interdependent. Friendship is important to Jesus, and He is a perfect friend. He teaches us about friendship by the way He is a friend, in the Bible, and in our lives.

Reason 2: We need to be encouraged and exhorted.

People are sort of lazy. We love comfort and peace, and when things don't go our way, when we get uncomfortable, we tend to want to fold. We give up and withdraw and easily crumble. God knew that. That's why He puts other loving people around us to encourage and exhort us to try, try again. To choose well, to take heart.

I need that! Just yesterday, I threw out a lifeline to a Godly friend, because I knew I was crumbling in one corner of my heart. Her words of truth and encouragement made ALL the difference. Had I stayed isolated and independent, my feelings and thoughts would have ruined my day, and maybe several.

"Think of ways to encourage one another to outbursts of love and good deeds. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage and warn each other, especially now that the day of his coming back again is drawing near."            
Hebrews 10:24-25

This verse says to me that some people neglect their friendships. Another version says, "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing." Are you in the habit of NOT getting together with friends? It can become a habit to withdraw, to stay isolated. And it's not healthy. The verse implies that the people who are in the habit of neglecting their friendships will not have the emotional and mental nourishment they need from others to stay in the game and finish strong.

Reason 3: Sometimes we need to be held up by the locked arms of our friends.

I can't help but think of Russell Crowe here, and the scene in Gladiator when all the warriors have locked their arms to stay standing against their foes. Life is super hard, if you've noticed. Sin in this world delivers serious blows to our hearts, our identity, and our whole perspective. We need friends because during those times we get knocked down, a friend has our back and pulls us back up.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12   

This verse brings up the concept of strength being found in numbers. It implies, to me, that life involves fighting. It's abstract, but we know in our hearts this is true. All things worthwhile must be fought for. Stuff like staying married, raising children, and just living a life of integrity requires constant battle against our culture, sin, and our own flesh. And how defenseless are you if you're fighting those fights alone? The single sheep who has wandered from the flock is always the first to get picked off. 

We need friends to lock arms with us and watch our backs. 

Reason 4: We need wisdom.  

The bottom line here is that I need ideas. Sometimes my judgment during trials and conflicts is seriously questionable. My emotions get my own ideas all mixed up, and I can miss the wisest choice in a given situation. Wise, well-chosen friends are a crucial source of ideas when we need them most. I am not exaggerating when I say "crucial." I don't even want to think about where I'd be today had I not followed the wise advice of friends in difficult times in my past. This is perhaps particularly true in the area of our beliefs, about God, about others, and about ourselves. Don't forget that the Prince of Lies is working overtime to pull you away from all that is right and good. When your vision is clouded, you need the clear thinking, discerning advice of a friend.  

"As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend."   
Proverbs 27:17

"He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm."
Proverbs 13:20

And here's the thing. Those friends of yours need your encouragement, your loyalty, your wisdom too. In those critical moments, they need your clear thinking, your wisdom and your love when they are clouded. They need you to pick them up and fight for them when they are too broken. And they need grace and truth in all of life's challenges. By neglecting our friendships or the pursuit of new ones, we are not only robbing ourselves of nourishment, but we are robbing our friends of the same.

Okay pals, soak those reasons in. Are there any that you wrestle with? Any areas that sparked a little resistance in your spirit? Do not underestimate the power of how your BELIEFS about friendship will influence your actions from here on out, no matter what I or anyone else says.

There is an element of obedience here, a trust that we each need to have in a God who designed us in a particular way for particular reasons. When I would rather be isolated or just feel too lazy to pursue others, I need to instead act on my BELIEF that God has plans for me and my heart that can only unfold inside of friendship. 

Have a great day. 

Befriending {an introduction}

 

Raise your hand if you've ever had a hard time making a good female friend.

Raise your hand if you've lost a friend. Or had a falling out with a friend. Or gone for years without having one single friend with whom you could share your heart.

I can raise my hand on all of the above.

Have you ever moved away and lost ALL your friends, overnight?

Well, I'm realizing I'm in a situation, having just moved, where I am starting at square one with making face-to-face friends. And then as I've talked to a few people, I've also realized that pretty much all of us struggle to make or keep even one good, solid, safe, female friend. It is not easy. Women are not easy. We are complicated, emotional, protective, and horribly addicted to comparing ourselves with others. Comparison is like friendship arsenic, by the way (more on that another day).

I felt I needed to bring this befriending challenge that I'm up against to the table here. Maybe we need to talk about this friendship issue we as women have. Maybe it's just a little too easy to sit behind our screens and desire connection but feel too afraid to step out. I feel that way some days. I feel really, really lame. I don't want to drum up a conversation with that other mom standing five inches from me at school pick up. I don't want to ask my kids to point out the boys and girls they like so I can chase down their mothers in the parking lot and introduce myself. It is NOT fun or comfortable for me.

But I know it's worth it. And I've been taking some courageous steps - for me, anyway - in the pursuit of friendship.

So I thought you may enjoy it if I posted regular updates on this pursuit. I also have a lot of thoughts on the different seasons of friendship that I think God ordains for us. He hasn't always provided friends for me. I've been through painful seasons of loneliness. That's part of His plan too, sometimes.

I've received two emails this week asking for advice on friendship related matters. They are actually what prompted me to put my thoughts down here about starting a dialogue with you on friendship. Do you have any issues or questions you'd like me to address during this little friendship series? I'm hoping, through this process, you'll feel encouraged to pursue new or deeper friendships as well, whether you're in a season to look outside of yourself for that, or to look inward for a deeper friendship with the Lord.

Okay. Let me gather my thoughts for my first post on befriending, and I'll share soon.

In the meantime, answer me this:

What is one immediate thing you look for in a friend, something you can assess within the first few times of meeting?

The classroom of life

I was just going to list the happenings around here lately. I could list the events and the activities. But all those moments actually mean so much more.    

We're learning, all the time, in the classroom of life.

 

I went to a furniture refinishing class at this antique store this week. I learned how to change ugly furniture into awesome furniture. But really, my eyes were wide open to the people, the culture, the social dynamics among the 15 women, and what it all meant for me.

I was learning a lot more than about furniture. I was learning about people. About them. And about me.

I've been having a lot of thoughts about seasons of friendship lately. Female friendships are hard wrought. Good ones are rare jewels. Right now, friendship feels elusive and off in the distance. But I'm learning, stretching, staying humble and walking close with my best Friend, first.

My life's classroom right now is teaching me how to operate and thrive without the many close friends I lived amongst just months ago.

Here are some more students in my household. I could tell you that my husband built shelves for the garage. But more importantly, he is learning to teach, learning and stretching in his understanding of what it means to father. One is learning how to follow, how to listen, how to emulate. Serious bonding is taking place in the midst of sawdust and power tools and paint.

My little guy built this stool and "desk" on his own. His feelings of pride over his work were beautiful (and he reminded me of Bob Cratchit in this photo, sitting on his perch, maybe counting coins for Mr. Scrooge).

He is learning how to be big. And he is glued to his dad's side in every project.

I could tell you that my husband joined his company softball team, and that we cheered for him at his first game. But he's also learning where he fits in to the dynamics among his co-workers. Learning to lead them, to minister, to make friends. It takes a lot of effort. Well, you know that.

I was learning, once again, how to stay warm. Oh, that was a chilly night!



I could also tell you that I found this blanket at an antique shop. But it's still all about learning, in my new space, to make a home. I spend a lot of time and thought on how to create warmth and inspiration on this blank canvas of a house with stark walls and empty rooms.

I didn't feel inspired to make my home in the same way in my last space. So it's a new opportunity for me to walk through the process of creating something - I don't know exactly what - in each room.

 

My dear friend Aly sent me this print.

She knows that my word for 2013 is "Together."

And what a beautiful reminder it was for me this week; if you recall, at the start of the year, our move was not yet public, but imminent. God gave me this word to remind me of something very important: no matter what Montana would bring, He and I would be together. And my family - we would all be together. I had a sense that unity would be critical, acknowledging the need to cling to the Lord and to one another during this season of change. It takes a lot of effort and is not easy. But you knew that.

I guess there is no tidy little lesson to wrap up this post. We are living our lives out here, all learning in the classroom of life. And God and I are hanging out.

Together, always.

Updates on all of the things

Friends.

I must say that you are a WEALTH of cold weather living information! I am so very grateful to each of you who emailed me or commented on my last post with advice. I need to sit down and digest all the recommendations and try some stuff. I'm excited to have so many ideas in my arsenal now for my family. So thank you so much. Your words were exactly what I needed.

So for some other business, in all the unpacking, I'm finding the need to thin out my closet. And I'm finding a lot of good stuff, but I'm forcing myself to simplify, so I'm going to be posting some of it on my Instagram feed for sale. There is a lot of cute and perfect condition stuff, much from Anthropologie, and I don't just want to donate it. So if you're around my size and on Instagram, look me up at "leslie_padgett". Most tops and jackets are smalls, pants are 2 or 4, and I even have an Anthro duvet cover to sell. Just so I'm not flooding every one's feed with stuff, I will be listing only a few things a day.

After that, I'll be listing my remaining inventory of Tidbit clothing, which was the clothing line my friend Shauna and I made and sold for three years. Here's baby Lily modeling some of it. It's all brand new clothing, blankets and bright, decorative pillows for girls aged toddler through about 8 yrs. And most of it is perfect for spring. It will pain me to part with the rest of it, even though I don't have a little girl to fit into anything anymore (sniff). I want every bit of it to be gone, so it will be priced to sell. If you're interested, follow me on Instagram. Also I won't accept you if you're a dude named Guido1990 who forget to wear a shirt in your profile pic.

Speaking of following, I heard that Google Reader is closing down. Or maybe it has already. If you're looking for a new way to follow my blog, Bloglovin' is a great way to organize all your favorite blogs into one place. I like the format over there. Here's the link if' you want an alternative to Google Reader. Also, you can always subscribe via email by clicking the orange RSS button on the right side bar and entering your email address when prompted. Then, you'll get an email every time I post.

As for 101 Wednesdays, I wish I could promise a restart date. I'm sorry. It's all I can do over here to unpack, find new normals for our daily routines, and locate all the things we need in our new town. Thankfully, this weekend is promising warm weather (!) and so the challenge of staying warm is off the table for the time being.

I will say that on Monday, I'm going to be blogging a challenge to you for next week. Did you know that next Thursday is the National Day of Prayer? Well, based on that, God has stirred up something in my heart recently, and I feel passionate about sharing it with you. I hope you'll be back Monday.



And one last thing...have you made your own Passion Tea Lemonade yet like they have at Starbucks? Instead of just giving my kids lemonade, it's a version full of antioxidants. You can use any hibiscus tea, but the Tazo variety has other beneficial herbal things in it like rose hips. I just brew one tea pot full of tea using three tea bags, letting it steep for about 10 minutes. Then I combine equal parts tea and lemonade. I buy natural lemonade (no high fructose corn syrup!) and then pour the whole carton, plus the whole pot of tea into my dispenser. It look so pretty that my kids want it all the time.

It's easy peasy and tastes like summer - something we're all looking forward to.

Have a great weekend, pals.

Star Wars rock painting

Last week, we got this funny book.

And one thing left on our summer list was "paint rocks." So when we came across the page for turning rocks into Star Wars faces, we were sold.

What a beautiful marrying of two things we love over here....Star Wars, and rock painting!

We decided to take it all down to our community pool, since it was so hot, and we had friends who wanted to try their hands at some rock lightsabers.

It went: swimming, then painting the base color of the face, then swimming, then painting the details in.


This photo features crazy swimming hair and non-descript rocks. One is some obscure Star Wars weapon known only to experts.

Check out my Jabba the Hut (or Job of the Hut, depending on who you ask in my house).



The metallic gold paint made a very nice C3PO.

This guy is a LEGO Pirate. Some detoured from the theme. And some got paint on their little noses.


Being at the pool, of course, was a little distracting, so the actual painting time was sorta sporadic. But it was still fun. My daughter said after, "Well that was a fun experience!" I agree.



Now...what to do with the special rocks....Hmm. They may just have cameos in our Easter garden next year.

Watercolor family members

The "guys" (stuffed animals) in our house are really family members.

They have backstories, relatives, fears, voices, theme songs...the list goes on.



Patches the horse arrived the day my son broke his leg, four years ago. He is so loved that his black eyes are now pushed in, and his fur is no longer white. His stuffing is lumpy, so he has a hard time posing for portraits. But he is the best friend to my boy. Puglet is Patches' brother. He is so loved that his ears, once stitched down into neat folds, now stick straight up. His fur is matted, and his body squishy. Puglet and Patches do not like to be apart. But they do both love to sing, and sleep nestled under the arm of my son nightly. And they pretty much run his bedroom when he's away at school.  

Pooh Bear has been a special part of our family for about seven years now. My baby girl chose him from the crammed shelves at Disneyland after a long day at the happiest place on earth when she was just a toddler. I was a tired mama, just wanting her to make a decision from amongst the hundreds of pairs of plastic eyes staring down at her. But those toddler hands chose Pooh, and who knew what a treasured character he'd become. His ears are permanently matted from having been chewed on, then put in the washing machine, then chewed on, then washed...like a thousand times over. Pooh Bear sings his own Pooh Bear songs, of course, and is always looking for some honey. He snuggles under my daughter's arm every night.

So when I wanted to set my kids on a task today, I chose a little watercolor session, painting portraits of their best friends. I love their paintings so much, and these guys will be framed and hung on the wall just like we would our other family members. In case you want to try this simple project, here are some of our watercolor secrets:

It is very important to use a type of heavy paper intended for watercolor painting, especially with littler kids, since they have a harder time controlling the amount of liquid going onto the paper. This paper won't warp even with big puddles of paint on it. When you get a good coupon to the craft store, buy yourself a pad or two. (And then make sure it doesn't get used for other stuff.)

1. Have your child lightly draw his or her subject in pencil first (my six year old needed help with his outlines).
2. Then let them trace the sketch with black Sharpie. (Yep, normally I'm not okay with kid Sharpie usage.)
3. Erase all the pencil lines left.
4. Then paint.

I try to teach them to gently stroke the paint on, not "scribble" it with the paintbrush, as they are inclined to do, like they would a marker. It takes a much more delicate hand for them to wield the bristles of a paintbrush versus using straight pressure with a crayon or marker. I think it's good to teach a child (who is old enough to understand and has fine motor control) how to properly use all kinds of art tools. Each person gets a small brush for small spaces, and a larger brush for backgrounds. Each also gets a cup of water and a folded paper towel for dabbing off too much water or paint.

After the paintings dry, it looks a bit better to trace another time over the Sharpie lines. I do that part, careful to maintain the childish wiggles in their lines.

They can also sign their paintings with the Sharpie, and date them with the year. These will look so great in black frames, huh?

She had to put on the shirt that went with the project. Obviously.

I think I'm extra glad we did these today because someday in the future, Patches, Puglet and Pooh will be put on a shelf to gather dust (sniff). But the memory of little hands painting their likesnesses with love will remain.

Simply lovely.

My favorite Easter idea

Last week, I tasted a bit of the holy.

Not often do we get those chances in life. But I tried a project, and it became so much more.

Immeasurably more.

It's shocking that all I did was make one choice to step out. Try something new. A lot of times, my ideas don't work. They don't flesh out like I imagined. People are whining, hungry, fighting...you get the idea. Not exactly what was pictured on the magazine page where everyone is sitting so...very...still.

But on occasion, an idea becomes out-of-the-blue magical.

On one of my new favorite blogs, Contented Sparrow, I saw this idea for making an Easter Garden. Lo and behold, Megan lifted it from my favoritest Ann at A Holy Experience and this post from 2009. Ann called it a visual parable. I was mesmerized.

And my giant giant giant pot was empty.

After school pickup, we drove straight to the garden store. It was sprinkling, but under the umbrella, I had two helpers fluttering with excitement about making our garden. Everyone got to choose some miniature plants. Everyone anticipated the planting of something special.

Creating with hands in fresh soil brought focus, life coursing through little plants brought gentleness. Even the rock path was laid carefully.

Truth-planting and life planting all at once. All life hinging on truth. Life sustained by the very breath of truth.

"I am the way, the truth, and the life."  
John 14:6

At first it seems that the way leads to emptiness. A tomb lies hungry for death. A prickly cactus at the end of the path reminds us of pain, the so very great cost.

But water in our pond reflects hope. 

 
“If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water.”  John 4:10

The garden awaits.

On Palm Sunday, we'll read the greatest story every told, we'll light candles along the rock path, and wait for Him, eager and burdened with a debt we cannot pay.

On Good Friday, the candles will not be lit.  We'll read about the darkness and the earthquake. And His words.

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Luke 23:34

Jesus will be wrapped in a cloth and laid in the tomb. Men will stand guard, as if they could contain Life. Saturday too the path stays dark.



But Sunday, Easter Sunday, now that day makes all the difference.

The stone will be rolled away.

The cloth will lie vacant.

And we will celebrate freedom.

Looking at our Easter Garden every day as I walk past makes me long for Him. The empty scene is merely a reminder of my empty condition without Him. But a promise is also rooting deep.

For the next month, we'll watch the thyme and succulents grow, and feel the promise of Life swell within our hearts.

"For God loved the world so much that He gave..."
John 3:16


ADDED: To see what happened in our Easter Garden one month later, on Good Friday, click here.