Wednesday, June 09, 2010

If I were an attorney...

...I'd probably use the phrase, "I'd like to strike that from the record!" A lot. In movies with attorneys, it seems like someone is always yelling that. I wish I could do the same in my life. I'd yell it all the time. I'd also write a letter like this, so I could just flash it when I didn't feel like yelling.

To Whomever is keeping the record - my kids, husband, God, friends, the mail lady (wow, is she judgemental about how many days I can skip without picking up mail. I'm okay with it. It's not going anywhere!), you people I run into at swim lessons and the grocery store:

Sometimes I want to strike stuff from the record. X it out. Pretend stuff didn't go down the way that it did. I'm sorry, and you all deserve better.
Love, Leslie

Today was a day I wanted to paste that letter up in my house. I had no good, logical reason to be a hot mess (as Chelsea Handler puts it. OK there was a major confession hiding in there. Did you catch it?). I just was. I can't even put my finger on an individual problem. But at one point, all I could do was go into my room, climb onto my (still unmade) bed and press my face down into my pillow as I pleaded with God for something that didn't even have words attached to it. My sinking emotional ship needed some supernatural rescuing.

Right now I'm sitting at Barnes and Noble with my cutie orange laptop because in the middle of the day, I emailed my husband at work about how pathetic I was. I actually said, knowing where I was at then, and guessing I would be even more spent by the end of the day, "Tonight I think I should just leave, go to the bookstore, and spare you all". I think you know what I mean. You know those times when you feel sorry for your "loved" ones because they're just not getting any actual love from you? (Tell me you do.)

So here I am. Away, refueling. Writing. My own kind of therapy (remember what bookstores do for me)? Sitting here remembering myself and feeling like a healthy person makes me want to remind you to do the same. It's way too easy to neglect your own needs and just keep pouring out. Time off won't fall into your lap. You have to carve it out, when it makes sense for you. I bet if you asked your husband or wife for the time off, they'd understand. My husband actually thanked me for trusting him with my real self. That was a surprise. Sometimes we expect criticism for being a mess. It's probably what I deserved, but it's not what I got.

I got rescued. God knew what I needed, and I guess he told my husband about it. Whew.

1 comment:

  1. Leslie, the more I read your writing, the more I wonder if we are the same person!