The best part of it was going to the gym with a friend. And when the best part of your day is going to the GYM, it isn't a good one.
I don't have any major reasons to be falling apart (or at least things I think are major, like caring for a child with a disability, or getting a terrible diagnosis). My dramas are small in comparison. But today they felt insurmountable. I had at least two hiding-in-the-bathroom crying episodes, and several moments where I just pushed down the inclination to do some more of that. Why is this blog-worthy? Well, because if you happened to have had the same kind of day, I want you to know you weren't alone.
Something about these kinds of extra challenging days causes all my emotions to funnel themselves into a single feeling: overwhelmed. I don't know about you, but when I feel overwhelmed, my world feels really lonely. There I am, sitting in my circumstances, feeling totally ill-equipped for my life. I am not enough. And at the same time, I am too much. (I know in my mind these thoughts aren't what's true about me. But on rough days, I cannot escape their assault.)
Try as I might, the truth that I wasn't alone had a hard time getting through to me today. All the chaos and negativity was shouting so much more loudly. I'm mad that September has brought me this massive new job of homework-management. It's all on my shoulders, and it takes up a ridiculous amount of my time with my child. Doing homework also brings a dynamic to our relationship that I hate. I'm mad that she struggles to stay focused, which makes it take way longer than it should. I'm mad that her fickle self-confidence doesn't help the situation. I'm disgusted and mad that I'm probably some of the cause of her fickle self-confidence. I'm mad that she may not know how beautiful and smart and amazing she is. And of course, I'm mad that I'm mad about all this and not just gracefully, patiently, and cheerfully helping her muddle through for the entire afternoon.
All of the above was the straw. One big straw, that broke me. All this negativity piled onto a bunch of pre-existing junk, unfinished chores that were supposed to be finished, piles and projects neglected, one messy relationship flaring up, and extra commitments this week (two of which we completely ditched tonight due to aforementioned chaos). So of course. Crying in the bathroom was the natural end.
I didn't have a massive revelation. I didn't feel particularly out of tune with God today. I kept talking to Him. I know He was talking to me. But I still struggled. And then shouted a little. And then layed on my bed for one hour, depressed. And then got so incredibly frustrated that I wanted to scream at someone, or run away from home, or both.
One main reason I'm sharing all this insanity is so you know I'm just a regular person. Some days my feet feel so planted and secure. Others, it takes a lot of effort to distinguish between real truth and the distortion of it. Struggler. Lonely. And thankfully, a work in progress. God is not finished with me yet, and probably when I stop freaking out, He'll get a word in. As for my story that God is authoring, I hope He rips out the page from today.
But I bet He won't. He has a way of rewriting the awful parts of our stories. Instead of erasing them, he redeems them.
The next time I have a meltdown like this, please remind me. I'm just hungry for some redemption.