That is the perfect word for how I feel right now.
It tends to come with summer, doesn't it? The exact thing I equally crave and abhor.
Tomorrow is our first Monday of summer, as the kids got out of school in the middle of last week. I'm sitting, tonight, trying to sort through what our week will look like...and I'm a bit lost.
The fact that our days have no imposed routine in place means I have to create the structure myself. I'm pretty good at creating structure out of thin air, but I just haven't yet.
I haven't written out a weekly calendar, haven't allotted parts of the day to certain regular things, haven't decided how I'm going to structure time for my own chores and self-care....it's just all a cloudy heap in my brain right now. I don't have it all together this year. The months are flying past me more quickly than usual. And a lot is on my mind besides how I might manage summer so that it doesn't manage me.
I even feel cloudy and unstructured with the Lord at the moment. I haven't spent the time I've needed to with Him this week and now I'm paying the price. My spirit feels vulnerable and tired. Joy is being suffocated by the little injuries I've neglected all week. I cried a bit earlier this evening as I recognized how lonely I feel. When I fail to spend regular time before the Lord one-on-one, I always end up like a weary soldier walking off a battlefield wounded and limping.
I think, when we all wake up tomorrow, we will start with quieting our hearts.
It's a good place to start. I will lead my kids to begin the day, the week, the summer, in gratitude and surrender.
We will pray, break out the new kids' devotionals, and offer our day (week, summer...) to the One who teaches us to number our days.
In the last Bible study I did with women's ministries this past Spring, at the end of each chapter, we were to write our own "psalm," or song declaring our feelings and thoughts about God in relation to what each chapter was about. Oftentimes, when a psalmist was going through an emotional season, he would write out the honest truth about what he felt and what he knew to be true. It was an interesting practice when we tried this in Bible study, and I thought I'd do that tonight, as I face this summer season feeling inadequate and disorderly.
Lord, you are on my right and my left.
You never leave my side.
You give me all the tools I need to serve my family.
When I look to you, I am never left empty handed,.
You give me solutions when I run into problems, and
you give me ideas when I need new ones.
You help me see the needs of my family, and
you focus my eyes on the things that need my attention.
Please deliver me from feeling overwhelmed or inadequate
because your ways are orderly
and the jobs you give me are suitable and good.
Let my agenda fall away as I keep my eyes fixed on you and follow your lead.
All your ways are right, and in you I can find the wisdom I need.
May your Holy Spirit remain in this home and in my heart this summer
and may I be a minister of your love to everyone you place in my path.
You are love and you teach me how to spend my days.
So how are you guys feeling about summer so far? How do you put a little structure in your summer?