Just not fitting in

Last weekend, I went to hear Beth Moore speak in person for my first time. Her teaching spanned a Friday night, and two morning sessions on Saturday. Often writing as fast as I could, I took 11 pages of notes in my big spiral bound notebook. (Why I brought a notebook and not a laptop is a question I'm still asking myself; I get so frustrated these days writing with a pen when I can type so much faster!)

I sat there thinking, I could write twenty blog posts on all this goodness...where will I even start in sharing how powerful this weekend is? 

Now that a few days have gone by, I know where to start. One truth keeps popping up in my mind. Among the hundred points Beth made, this one felt very relatable:

"Our lives feel like a squirming concoction of misfit parts."

She said that. She elaborated then, explaining that no matter who we are, or who we are with, we usually feel like we don't quite fit in. We feel like the odd one. We feel unhappy. Uncomfortable. We search and strain for more happiness and more comfort and more acceptance. But we never seem to achieve perfect equilibrium.

Let's take it down to me, personally.

My heart is always conflicted. I am a beautiful combination of strengths and weaknesses, flaws and gifts. I know I have God-given potential, but I'm held back by my brokenness. I want to serve God. I want to love others. But no matter how perfect I want to be, I never am. I make mistakes every single day. Sometimes I'm so keenly aware how far away from perfect I am that I feel defeated and exhausted.

Beth pointed out that humanity's very creation was conflicted: we are a handful of dust mixed with a handful of holy.

When I think of my social circles, I too can relate to what she said; I usually don't feel like I fit in, no matter the group. I'm the serious one who isn't that fun. Or the spiritual one to whom they can't relate. Or the older one. Or the one who doesn't like sushi. Or the conservative one. The one who can't afford it. The one with kids. The one who doesn't go to PTA meetings.

Lots of times, I don't even really "fit" with my husband. I could come up with lots of ways we don't work well together. I'm sure all of us could make a list of those things about our marriages. There are reasons I feel like I don't fit in my church's women's ministry. And my group of friends. And my extended family.

On the surface, you'd never know. You'd think I fit in just perfectly. But on the inside, where no one can see, I am a perpetual black sheep.

And what Beth said next sort of floored me. Despite our constant efforts to find a comfortable spot in this world, Jesus will NEVER let us fully find it. He will not solve all our squirminess. He will not make our marriages perfectly happy. He will not heal all our relationships and allow us to feel perfectly accepted.

Because we don't belong here. We were never meant to. And so in some ways, He will let us squirm.

Jesus wants me to know deep down that my home, my comfort, my soul's longing to fit somewhere will never be satisfied on this earth. He wants me to long for heaven.

And oh, how I do.

As negative as this whole post is sounding, isn't it sort of freeing? Like I can stop working so hard at smoothing out all the wrinkles in my life. I can accept some of the squirming as not only normal, but tolerable. And ordained, for my own good. A reminder of where I need to keep my eyes focused.

Dear brothers and sisters, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example. For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. They are headed for destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control.

Phil 3:17-21

Friends, it is at best an illusion and at worst deception straight from hell that you can find or achieve lasting happiness here on earth. We can have joy, certainly, knowing that our hope is independent of our circumstances. But happiness is fleeting, and our lives will always feel like a squirming concoction of misfit parts.

Can you find some rest in that truth? Can you too let go of some of the striving in your life to make all the pieces fit together?

I hope so. Praying we all can find some rest in knowing this is not our home, be a little more content with the squirming and the conflict, and know the Lord is our Shepherd, even though this flock is full of black sheep.

Sunday Sweet Potato Soup and Fighting Giants

Happy Sunday, friends.

One.

Make this soup.

It's easy, cheap, and delish.  I tried it last night and it was amazing.

Two.

I guest posted at Amanda's blog last week as she headed out to the Influence conference. I shared a post I came across in my archives from about a year and a half ago. Before she'd asked me to guest post, I had happened upon it, and God used His words to speak to me again. So I revisited the post, and found it was perfect for Amanda's space and her Desire to Inspire series.

I wrote it at a time I was feeling quite small and helpless in light of the big battles that existed in my life. So it's about that. Fighting giants and finding faith. If you're on a battlefield right now (wait, aren't we all?), may it encourage you.  

{improved adapted from a Martha Stewart Living recipe, October 2011}

Sweet Potato Soup

3 T olive oil

4 garlic cloves, minced

1 leek, white and lt. green parts sliced and rinsed

1 tart green apple, peeled and cubed

2 celery stalks, sliced

1 tsp finely grated fresh ginger

2 lbs orange-fleshed sweet potatoes or yams, peeled and cubed

4 C chicken stock

1/4 C half and half or heavy cream

salt & pepper

salted pepitas (pumpkin seeds)

1. Heat oil in a large pot over medium. Cook garlic and leek until soft, 4 min.

2. Add apple, celery, and ginger. Cook for 3 min.

3. Add sweet potato and stock and bring to a boil.

4. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 15 minutes or until potatoes are soft.

5. Using an immersion (or stick) blender, blend until entire soup is creamy and smooth. You can also use a blender and work in batches to puree mixture.

6. Remove from heat, and add cream, and salt and pepper to taste. Briefly blend again.

7. Sprinkle with pepitas before serving.

COZY. FALLISH. YUM.

101 Wednesdays, Week 3

So are you following along?

Last week in 101 Wednesdays, we looked at areas of our lives where God is perhaps asking us to believe in the impossible, like He did Abraham. We looked at how hard it is to understand how God sees us compared to how we see ourselves, and how we resist believing He calls us chosen and beautiful when our shortcomings haunt us. Leah was no stranger to this identity crisis, and we read about her story too. Then there was Joseph. He had the worst series of unfortunate events happen in his life maybe ever. Yet God saw the bigger picture, and was coordinating circumstances to bless Joseph and redeem his past way beyond what anyone could have guessed.

Each week, I pray our hearts are softening to different ways of seeing God and seeing ourselves. If you've been following, don't you agree that after you spend time reading and processing, it's like your spirit does a big sigh of relief? That's how I feel, anyway.

So this week, I've pasted the assignment below. I got a little flack for writing "hard" questions. But guys, this is the point. Not to confuse or frustrate you, but to encourage you to look inside your heart. Bring your issues to the table. Let God into your struggles. I want to make this short time each week worthwhile. It's not another activity to check off. It's meant to be powerful and equipping for our everyday lives. I really want for you to get a glimpse of how deeply God loves you and how relevant the Bible is to your life. Nothing else you spend time on during the week (unless you're going to church, I suppose) can fill you up in the same way. So yeah. The questions will make you think. Not sorry :)

Have a great weekend, friends.

* * *

This week, I'm asking you to look up three verses in a regular Bible. Do you have one? If not, I suggest picking one up in an easy to read, modern language translation such as NIV (phrase by phrase translation) or ESV (word for word translation).

Week 3

Chapters 10-13, to page 115, JSB

When you have a quiet half hour or so when you’re less likely to get interrupted, briefly ask God to open your eyes and ears to what He wants to show you. Then, in your notebook, answer these questions. Try to answer them as honestly as you can.  Do the questions for yourself.

1. The story of Moses freeing the Israelites from their slavery in Egypt is one of the most important in the Bible mainly because of what it foreshadows. First, let’s talk about how God’s people were slaves. The Egyptian Pharaohs were harsh rulers, mercilessly oppressing the Israelite slaves for four hundred years. This whole scene will come to represent how without God, we all live in captivity to sin. And sin is a ruthless oppressor. In what ways do you at times feel oppressed by or captive to sin? (if you need help, think about how difficult it is to break a bad habit, or shake off guilt, or how discouraged you feel repeating the same mistake over and over…)

2. Look up John 8:31-34 where Jesus explains this to some skeptics. How does He say we can be freed from our captivity?

3. The last plague that God sent the Egyptians before Pharaoh finally let the people go was the plague of death. Once again, this is so important because of what it foreshadows. Moses told God’s people that during the night, the angel of death would take the lives of all the first born children of every home in Egypt EXCEPT those which had the blood of an innocent lamb painted on the doorposts. Those homes would be passed over by the angel (why the Jews celebrate Passover, and why they refer to the “Passover lamb”). The blood of the lamb on the doorposts that night in Egypt is what led to the slaves’ freedom from death and since it was the last plague, freedom from slavery. The Israelites walked out of the country that night, on their way to the promised land.

In John 1:29, what does John the Baptist call Jesus when he sees him for the first time?

In the exact same way, Jesus’ blood when He died on the cross became a covering for us, not only protecting us from (eternal spiritual) death, but also freeing us from the grip sin and darkness had on our lives. However, He doesn’t force us to accept this free gift of forgiveness. We are covered and freed if, and only if, we believe Him and entrust our lives to His care.

Have you entrusted your life to God and received His gift of forgiveness? If not, why not take a minute to talk to Him right now?

4. The stories about Moses parting the Red Sea, going hungry in the desert, the 10 commandments, and Jericho are all about God’s people facing impossibilities. Right after they were freed from slavery, they faced some HUGE challenges. God was certainly trying to grow their faith muscles now that they were walking with Him and giving them opportunities to trust Him in the face of impossible circumstances. Take a minute to recall three things you’ve experienced that may not have been pleasant at the time, but grew your faith in God. Are there any happening now?

Finish today by reading James 1:1-4 for one reason why trials are allowed in our lives.

* * *

My thoughts on teaching

I guess I'd call myself a teacher.

However, I've never been employed as one. I have no formal education in teaching. You could say one of my spiritual gifts is teaching (at least that's how I score on this test). But discerning what to teach and when and to whom is a regular challenge.

I do find myself constantly teaching my kids. Though I've never homeschooled, and don't plan to as of now, nearly every day, I'm actively teaching them something. The other day, we had a whole conversation about legal liability and why our HOA wants us to take down the tree swing. Today I walked them through the whole process of how to get a driver's license. Maybe a little deep for two elementary school aged kids, but I try not to underestimate their ability to understand real world situations if explained on their level. You could say I'm in the constant process of informally educating them on emotions, relationships, the way the world works, who God is, why they are on this earth, and a million other things. That alone qualifies me as a teacher, right?

But at times, though I know I'm capable of certain kinds of teaching, I have a sense that I should not.

For instance, it gets really tricky when I try to teach something to my husband. It may be okay if it's about one of the kids, but sometimes it's not. It may be okay if it's a spiritual matter, but usually not. Often he feels disrespected if I'm communicating something in a teachery way.

Another situation in which I'm struggling to find my place is volunteering in the classroom. If you are a teacher, I'd love your input here. Once she figured out I was capable of it, one of the kids' teachers decided my job would be to take the lowest group of about 7 students into an adjacent classroom to reteach math concepts to them. Basically, tutor them, come up with sample problems, use the white board, etc.  In other words, she wants me to be a second teacher because they are way behind. I feel bad for the kids. I worked with them last week. They clearly have no other help, and most don't come from homes where the adults speak English. How exactly the kids can understand the slight difference between the "hundreds place" and the "hundredths place" is beyond me. I'm capable of giving them some extra help. But I'm not sure it's my job. It's not at all why I'm volunteering. If I agree to the teacher's plans, I'll never be with my own child. Again, I have no training in teaching math, nor do I want to be a tutor. I'm volunteering 90 minutes a week to be involved in my child's life, not be the teacher's assistant. And I'm not sure how to communicate that gently.

Then there's church. I was recently asked to be a part of a rotating teaching team for the 4th/5th grade youth group. This is something I've agreed to, and have my first teaching date in two weeks! But when I stand back, I'm realizing that I've never spoken to 50 or 75 "tweens" before. What if they chatter, or giggle, or are completely bored by what I'm saying? I don't know how to be cool and funny. I don't know how to respond to rude behavior, especially in church. Though I haven't been given my topic yet, I know in my brain that I'm capable of standing before them and having something to say, I just feel out of my element as a teacher. I feel stretched.

Which isn't a bad thing. I'm just hashing out my thoughts with you guys on the subject today. I know a few of you are teachers, and I thought maybe you'd have some tips or input for me. Of course prayer will be a part of my prep for both the conversation with the teacher and the teaching at church.

But it's tricky, this teaching thing.

Maybe that's why I decided to write a blog post.

I'm comfy here. And you guys are so encouraging and helpful. I'm really thankful for your words, whenever you have some to offer.

So no profound wrap-up this time; I'm just processing. If you think of it, please pray with/for me for wisdom and discernment in teaching...what and when and to whom. Thanks friends.


There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens...a time to be silent, and a time to speak....
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7

Weekend Fall Craft: Falling Leaves Placemats

If you've been around here a while, you know I used to have another blog where a friend and I would post about crafts and recipes. Welp, I thought I'd repost here some ideas I tried last fall because I still love them.   

Personalized Falling Leaves Placemats

I bet you already have fall-colored acrylic paint in your cabinet.

Brown, red, orange and yellow is what you need for this first project.

I bought these at IKEA; a pack of 4 is $5. Whoa. so cheap. And i love that they're cork.

 This is SO easy. Fingerpainted leaves.

I painted our names on each placemat, along the trunk of one tree.

My little guy does NOT like to get his fingers messy, so he was a hard sell on this project. (I don't know ANYONE like that...??) He lasted about 7 minutes before the torture of having paint on his fingers was more than he could stand. I did get a smile out of him though. A half-hearted one

  

My daughter made a jumping pile on hers.

I was happy to have the remaining two placemats to decorate myself.

They're sorta flimsy and may not hold up forever, but I still love how they turned out! A couple fall-colored candles in my centerpiece and a white tablecloth made for a very simple and lovely table arrangement.

 

Five bucks.

Fifteen minutes of fingerpainty fun.

New fall decor.

That's perhaps the best time and money we spent all week.

Have a great weekend!

101 Wednesdays, Week 2

The first question I asked on last week's homework was for each person to list some impressions of the Bible that they held coming in. As we met under a shade tree outside the coffee shop yesterday morning, "Confusing," was the first reply. Other answers included "long", "boring", and "intimidating". I said that one feeling I have about reading the Bible is that one can never be finished understanding it. Even a scholar who spends his career studying God's word never gets to the end of that process. That makes me feel a little frustrated at times, that I can never fully grasp it.

Next we talked about what each person hoped to get out of reading this book. How did we hope God's story could help us in ours? I think the consensus was that we all desired a little simplification in our lives and in our faith. We complicate things so much; we all long for a return to the basics and a focus on the core truths of God's word.

There were nine of us at the table, and as we continued through the study, some themes quickly arose. I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was to find so many of us struggle with shame. That tormenting guilt for our mistakes, past and present, is a real problem amongst women, isn't it? And then there was fear and control. I asked a question in the homework related to this, saying describe a time when you've dealt with fear/control. One woman answered for all of us when she replied, "Ummm, every day?"

The "terrible lie" that we read about this week is alive and well in our lives. I was again reminded how much we need this. And how much we need each other.

I had prayed out loud in my car on the way there yesterday. I don't remember much of what I said, but I do remember asking that each woman participating in this study would find a deep satisfaction in the truth of God's word. We forget, as a people, that we were created to hunger for God and truth. But instead of nourishing ourselves with the rich and satisfying foods of His word, we eat cotton candy all day long. I prayed that these women would taste steak, and long for more.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
Psalm 63:5

It is my soul's own prayer too: Lord, may you continue to wean me off my taste for the ideas, values, and ways of the world. When I consume those things, make them bitter in my mouth. And the more I choose you, your words, and your ways, give me lasting satisfaction and increase my hunger for more.  


So did you follow along with us this week?
Here is the homework for next week. I hope you'll join us.    
Week 2
Chapters 4-9, up to page 83, JSB

When you have a quiet half hour or so when you’re less likely to get interrupted, briefly ask God to open your eyes and ears to what He wants to show you. Then, in your notebook, answer these questions. Try to answer them as honestly as you can. Do the questions for yourself.

1. Which story was your favorite this week? Why?

2. We read about the Tower of Babel and how God stopped the plans of His people when they were going to lead them down the wrong path. Can you recall a time when your plans got thwarted and things turned out better for you in the end? Explain.

3. In the story of Abraham, we saw that sometimes God asks us to believe in the impossible. What is something you have a hard time believing about Him? OR Describe a time when God asked you to believe in Him when a situation looked hopeless.

4. In the story of Rachel and Leah, we learned about how God sees His daughters. Make a brief list of some of your faults in your notebook. Then cross them out, one at a time, writing one of these words in its place: Chosen, Beautiful, Loved, Princess. If you feel your own heart resisting, if you find it hard to accept, keep lengthening the list until the truth of how God sees you starts to seep in.

5. Joseph’s story is full of redemption. God used Joseph’s awful and unjust circumstances for His good purposes, and then brought healing and forgiveness back into his broken family. Share one circumstance or relationship that needs redeeming in your life. Take a minute to invite God into that hurt and ask Him to use this part of your story for something good.

When promises seem to fade

My ears perk up when I hear the same thing taught twice in a short period of time. Like God's trying to get my attention, and I missed it the first time around.

Well that just happened. I was astonished, as I drove, listening to Alistair Begg on a Christian radio station. He's the pastor with a strong Scottish accent. Have you heard him before? He was mid-message when I tuned in; now that I think about it, I don't even know what the "point" of the message was. I only heard one part.

The part on Matthew 1:1. Because our whole entire service at church yesterday was on Matthew 1:1. Astonished. I sat in the car thinking, "What are the odds..." and "Wait, if God is trying to reteach me something that I missed yesterday, what on earth could it be?" Alistair reflected on a thought that seemed obvious to me, that the verse was a seemingly dry way to kick off the New Testament. Here's God, about to tell the greatest story ever told, and He starts with this:

The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.
Matt 1:1

I sort of agree, to be honest. Next, Matthew spends the next 17 versus listing all the key players in Jesus' family line. Matthew is not exactly trying to hook us into a compelling plot line. It's a portion of scripture most people probably skip. You know, to get to the good stuff. I've done it. We are accustomed to the convention of an "introduction" when we read, aren't we? If I'm honest, I've treated certain seemingly introductory portions of scripture as just that, introductions to skim over, to warm us up perhaps.

I guess I wanted to do that yesterday morning during church. Tune out because it seemed like we were dwelling on the warm up. I didn't quite get the message, why we had to spend all of service on Matthew 1:1.

God is saying OBVS right now, since He had to reteach it to me this morning through the radio.

(As I type, I'm reminded of this verse I memorized last year...)

All scripture is God-breathed, and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
2 Tim 3: 16-17

Here's what God wanted to show me. Without going into all the detail on why that one verse is so important - all the prophecy it would have called to mind in the heart of the first century reader, all the implications the phrases "son of David" and "son of Abraham" have - just know this. Alistair Begg proved Matthew 1:1 is to tell us one thing:

God keeps His promises. 

God made covenants (fancy word for promises) with Abraham and David, and Matthew is saying, "Watch this. 'Member those covenants? Let me show you how God keeps His promises. And then throughout the book, He demonstrates how those promises were fulfilled in Jesus.

I think I tuned out Sunday because in order to understand this verse, it meant absorbing very heady material, sort of like a history and theology class all at once. And so I missed the personal message in it.

But what you don't know is the reason God had to reteach me this morning. There's a reason when I heard Alistair Begg summarize Matthew 1:1 that I instantly teared up.

When he said Matthew 1:1 was all about promises and fulfillment, it sunk in. I can't give you many details. But I can say I've been temped lately to question whether I've heard right on certain things I feel God has promised me. I've been tempted to lose the vision He's given me for certain things very dear to my heart. I've questioned whether He actually did promise me anything, and if He did make me promises, how on earth He was going to keep them.

Over the several hundred years it took God to fulfill His promises in the person of Jesus, I have a feeling a few people felt the same doubt as I do. At times, I find it very hard to understand this verse:

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
2 Pet 3:9 

I want to say, "Um, yes you are, Lord. You are kinda slow. Actually. 'Cause I don't have several hundred years to wait. In fact, I don't know if I can hold on to believing you for another week."

There are so many things involved here. Do I simply believe in God? Or do I BELIEVE God? And why does it feel like there is an expiration date on that belief in certain areas sometimes? (I mean, who does He think we are?!)

Well, He thinks I'm human. And forgetful. And distracted. So He patiently teaches me twice in a 24 hour period the same exact thing.

I am a promise-making, promise-keeping God.

Can a woman forget her nursing child?
that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.
Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
Isaiah 49:15-16

Amen, friends?

His love makes my heart skip a beat.

Have a great week.