I sometimes eavesdrop

I wasn't going to write tonight.

But I sometimes eavesdrop and I had to get this on paper. For them. For when they are older, and for when they've forgotten they were once best friends.

I let my daughter have a sleepover in my son's room tonight, knowing they would love the change-up, and knowing it was okay if everyone got to sleep a little later than usual from chatting.

Right before I left the room, I could hear that it had started to rain, and I cracked their window so that they could smell and listen to the rain while they fell asleep.

But long after I had tucked them in and headed downstairs, I heard singing. So I crept up the steps and sat next to the bedroom door. My son was just finishing a chorus of Black Jack Baby, the song I've sung him for years now. And then the most precious conversation ensued:


him: When you're all grown up, where are you gonna live? Tell me a location and a state. Like...the beach, or the countryside....

her: (after a thoughtful pause) Either Hawaii at the beach, or California at the beach.

him: Well, I'd choose California, but not Hawaii because of the volcanoes.

her: There aren't any volcanoes in Hawaii.

him: Yes there are.

her: Well they're not erupted. That was thousands of years ago and they can't erupt again.

him: (long pause) I like it when you're in here with me. (another long pause) You make me feel comfortable.

her: (thoughtful) Comfortable.

him: Yeah, when you're around me. (long pause) I'm going to start sleeping now, okay?

her: Me too. (long pause, and sleepily) The pitter-patter is like a lullaby.


I want them to stay exactly this way forever and ever. And I know they won't, which I why I had to write it. Just a bit of stopped time right here, on this screen.

That's all I really wanted to say.

Good night, friends.

This year {a prayer}

This year, my prayer is that each of us would gain a deeper understanding of our Lord's great love, no matter what comes our way. 

This year, may we seek Him more whole heartedly and find more than ever before. 

As we walk confidently toward another twelve months full of blessings and trials, this year...

A wise little owl once told me...

Wiley is our barn owl. OK, he's not exactly ours. But he lives in our neighborhood, and we've seen him so many times, we decided to name him.

He has a white face and looks pretty much exactly like this one (source).

He's a little guy, probably not more than ten inches tall. And we see him at night, along the very dark road that comes up behind our community. Our community is on the outskirts of the city, so we bump up against some wild, rolling hills. And because of that, we have quite the assortment of wildlife in our midst.

Wiley sits at the lowest point of the low, sagging telephone line in the pitch dark, staring down into the brush. We can only spot him as our glowing car headlights wash over him. Often, we stop the car and watch. He is motionless, silent, and looks down into even darker, shadowed brush. I have no idea how he can see anything moving below him. All of us are silent too.

Wiley waits for his dinner. Every time we see him, he is waiting, staring down into the black. We've seen him at 9 pm and 11 pm. He is always patiently waiting. He trusts his needs will be met. 

Tonight I thought of Wiley because I am waiting too. I can think of at least three situations that need answers in my life. I need the Lord to resolve them, and I'm tempted to feel anxious about them several times a day. I am trying to wait patiently, but I am staring down into the black and seeing nothing move. It is not easy.

In my Bible, I have scrawled on a torn piece of paper - actually it's a piece of a church bulletin from some years ago - this note:

Waiting on the Lord is a spiritual attitude that says
#1  I have a great God
#2  God has everything under control
#3  God's timing is always perfect
#4  THEREFORE I am not going to panic or take matters into my own hands

Know what? This is so simple, and yet I feel like it is never easy to follow with unfaltering faith. I don't so much panic, but I DO so much begin to sneakily take matters into my own hands. Even if only in my mind, as I walk through Plans B, C, and D, because A seems to be taking too long. That is not OK, my friends! It is a major mental discipline for me to stop the train of thought and WAIT.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
Psalm 40:1

Just like Wiley. Through the night, he feels his hunger, the darkness, the silence. Yet he is wholly believing he's going to be provided for. It's just a matter of time.

Owls are actually wise, aren't they?

I'm going to try to be like Wiley this week. I'm choosing to believe that if I keep watching, it's just a matter of time before I see something move. And that thing will be exactly what I need.

Sunday refocus

Lately, I've been tricked into believing that a lot of my efforts go to waste.

The other night, I cooked a nice dinner. I did not want to. It was hot, I was exhausted, and I would have much rather spent extra money ordering something to pick up. But I know my husband feels loved when I cook for him. I know he also appreciates my efforts to save money by eating at home. So I mustered up the energy and came up with quite a nice meal.

He then came home to say that he'd already eaten. Our communication wires got crossed and I ended up feeling so discouraged. I felt like half the time, the things I do around our home are a waste.

I clean off a counter, just so the rest of the family can set all their junk back on it.

I try something new and healthy in the kitchen and no one likes it.

I paint my own toenails instead of getting a pricey pedicure in order to be a better steward of our money and it gets ruined in minutes from the trampling of little feet.

I teach my children good manners, good language, and kindness as the world around them teaches name calling, selfishness, and disrespect.

I organize (insert any part of the kids' rooms HERE) just so it can be undone into a big mess again.

So much of what I spend my time on gets reversed or seemingly washed away.

And God knows I've been wrestling with this feeling. So I'm not surprised that this morning, during my quiet time, I read this:

Whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
Colossians 3:23-24


Yes! Okay. I know this. (And how easy it is to forget!)

Nothing goes unaccounted for in heaven. Jesus sees everything I do, every effort I make to serve another. And if my heart motivation is to ultimately serve and love HIM, then my reward and my sense of satisfaction at the end of the day cannot be taken from me.

I think perhaps God removes our earthly satisfaction at times, gives us a taste of feeling like our efforts in this life are a waste, just to make sure we learn this lesson. Just to remind us that our hearts are not quite where they could be. It is very easy to "work for men," seeking approval and appreciation in all we do. That's human. It's a bit of a challenge to not need that recognition, knowing solidly that the Lord sees, and that His recognition is enough.

I pray we can go into our week knowing that we serve and love and work for an audience of One.

Top 5 distractions in church

I've been compiling this mental list over the past few weeks. Not by choice. But because certain things have been really distracting to me when I'm trying to pay attention in church. Maybe you can relate.

Number 1. Mullets.

Last week, we sat across the aisle from a man in a nice white dress shirt, black dress slacks, and a serious mullet. He looked perfectly normal, with a clean-cut haircut from the front, and a clear mullet from all other angles. I glanced over at him at least four times, just trying to understand the poor guy. I'm certain his mullet prevented me from learning something.

Number 2. The sign language lady.

This lady's skill is just beyond my comprehension, and that makes me want to stare at her. I can't understand how she can be saying one thing with her hands and hearing a different thing in her ears that she needs to remember and then translate like ten seconds later while she listens to something else. It's amazing how quickly she can convert what she's hearing into sign language so smoothly and beautifully! Have you ever watched this woman? She's sort of magical and rare. She's the church's unicorn.

Number 3. PDA.

Yes indeed, one can view instances of uninhibited Public Display of Affection even during church. Last weekend, we sat behind a couple who could not keep their hands off each other. What appeared to be full-on, two-handed, deep-tissue neck massaging was taking place during the sermon. Not to mention they were practically sitting on top of each other. If I were the pastor, I'd post signs that said, "Love your neighbors, but please sit one Bible-width apart from them." I'm sure this is probably the reason most churches have traded pews for theater-style seats.

Number 4. Really strong or really gross perfume.

That's obvious, right? I have a sensitive smeller so I can be really thrown off by strong smells. You know you've sat by that woman before, and it isn't pretty. A fragrant offering during worship isn't literal, people.


Number 5. Misspellings on the song slides. 

I admit, this may just be distracting for me. But if the screen is telling me to sing, "Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your glorius name," my brain stops at the wrong word and I've totally lost my moment. My singing goes on auto-pilot as I try to figure out why no one proof-reads those things. 


I know. It's a miracle I get anything out of the Sunday service, what with my brain all over the place. Did I miss anything on my list? Well, never mind. Just pay attention, and if you see mullet guy in your peripherals, try to avert your eyes.

Happy Sunday.

Short and Sweet Sunday

I woke up this morning - well, I wasn't even fully awake - and these words were in my head and in my heart.

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Psalm 27:13

The words trickled along, my mind sleepily turning them over one by one, and I noticed I knew them.

I knew the verse, and I knew its truth.

I've stood on the brink of despair and remembered His goodness. I have been able to turn my back on confusion and hopelessness and choose trust because He is good. And I can say I know it because I have seen it. I don't have blind faith, I've seen His goodness over and over again.

How many times have you and I seen His goodness in our lives, even in what appear to be small ways? An uncountable number. And yet we still at times stand on the brink, seeing despair as our only option.

I would say I've learned to turn my back on that despair through trial and error, meaning I've yielded to despair way too many times before I found the courage to dig up memories of the Lord's goodness and choose to believe I'd see it again. Faith is not easy.

But so worth it. You have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living too, so next time you face that precipice, pull out those memories with all you have. Use them like weapons, and ask God to show you His goodness again. It may not be in the way you'd prefer, but He will, I have no doubt.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

We've all seen His goodness. The trick is remembering it when it counts most.

A little Sunday inspiration

That's My King (REMIX) from Igniter Media on Vimeo.

 Our church played this in the service two weeks ago.

Just now, we watched it together as a family online since my hubs was out of town that weekend, and the kids were in Sunday School.

 In the middle of the video, my K-gartner said so matter-of-factly,

"Well, we know him."

I said, "Yes, we do."

The last word

In Roman history, a criminal was given a written charge, sort of like an indictment. When the criminal had paid for his crime, the charge was stamped "Paid in Full."

In Greek, the word Tetelestai was used.

It was Jesus' last word before he died on the cross. (John 19:30)

That last word, it meant everything. 

Many Bibles translate Tetelestai as "It is finished." 

Our debt, which separated us from our perfect Father, is cleared. Cancelled. Erased.

"He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross."

(Col 2:14)

And it's been cleared once and for all. Past, present, future.

Who can comprehend a love like that?  

Have a blessed Easter, because our mountains of debt have been paid in full!

It's Palm Sunday!

They call it the "Triumphal Entry," Jesus' walk into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday to begin Holy Week.

Where was the triumph, at that point, I'm wondering right now? People were cheering and parading behind him like he was the spiritual equivalent of Brad Pitt. But on a donkey. He hadn't conquered anything yet.

Before he entered the city, the Bible says that Jesus looked over the land and wept for the people, those he so longed to take under His wing. He literally says He longed to gather them to Himself like a hen gathers her chicks.

And they said "No thanks." They just didn't believe He could love them so much.

His heart broke for his lost lambs.

They shouted and cheered to his face, but doubted Him in their hearts. 

Where's the triumph in that?

Where's the triumph in the following days marked with agony, betrayal, trials, beatings, confusion, and loss?

I heard a perspective yesterday on what Jesus knew He would endure on the cross. I'm not talking about what he went through physically, although that alone would be more than any of us could bear. I'm talking about what he endured emotionally, spiritually. It struck me in a new way.

I heard it in an excerpt from the Jesus Storybook Bible. Yeah, it's for kids.

And oh, how it's for grown ups too.

"Papa! Father!" Jesus cried. And he fell to the ground. "Is there any other way to get your children back? To heal their hearts? To get rid of the poison?"

But Jesus knew - there was no other way. All the poison of sin was going to have to go into his own heart.

God was going to pour into Jesus' heart all the sadness and brokenness in people's hearts. He was going to pour into Jesus' body all the sickness in people's bodies. God was going to have to blame his son for everything that had gone wrong. It would crush Jesus.

But there was something else, something even more horrible. When people ran away from God, they lost God - it was what happened when they ran away. Not being close to God was like a punishment. Jesus was going to take that punishment. 

Jesus knew what that meant. He was going to lose his Father - and that, Jesus knew, would break his heat in two. 

Where, I ask, is the triumph in that?

On the horizon, soon to come.

Have a blessed day.

We just can't imagine

God wants to tell us His secrets

 about who He is

about His plans

about His feelings

about who we are

about why we are alive right now

about things I can't even dream up to list.

He freely reveals Himself in so many ways, all around us. But He also longs to whisper His deeper secrets into our hearts. And that takes patience on our part, stillness, silence to hear.

We find Him when we seek Him.

"In my inward parts, you will make me know wisdom."

Psalm 51:6

  

 We just can't imagine all He is and has in store for us. In a repetitive loop, I try to figure Him out, guess what's coming next, realize I can't, and then give up. Soon after, I forget and start trying again.

God says His words are a lamp unto our feet, not a search light. Picture an oil lamp, held up in the dark. His joy is to offer one small circle of light, enabling one step ahead.

He makes it that simple.

We look way, way past the clear glow, squinting hard into the dark.

We make it that complicated.

And He still wants to tell us more. He draws us back to clarity and safety, the intimate space between a bride and her groom. He waits for us to lean in.

He wants to be wanted.

He oh-so-patiently waits for us to draw near.

  

“No eye has seen,

no ear has heard,
and no mind has imagined

what God has prepared

for those who love him.”

But it was to us that God revealed these things by his Spirit. For his Spirit searches out everything and shows us God’s deep secrets.

I Corinthians 2:9-10

{Happy Sunday, friends. Find a quiet moment to draw near.}