It's Sunday night.
And it's safe to say that this week, my nose has been to the grindstone, working to shape this transition for the kids. It's also safe to say that God has supernaturally provided for me as a mom. He likes to do that, particularly when odds are stacked against us. And they sorta are for me right now.
I could find a number of things about which to complain or feel sorry for myself. But for some reason, He hasn't let me hang my head.
He's given me laughter at the kids' silliness (I don't always have that.) He's given me fresh eyes to appreciate the nature around me (I don't always have that either.) And He's buoyed my heart with joy despite my circumstances.
That's God, people.
I mean, you know we are all five (dog included) in a single room in a hotel still, right? It has a moose wallpaper border. And a massive fort using all the furniture. Because why not, to both things.
But today I realized something.
We were about to leave for church, trying one for the first time, and God whispered to my heart, "This is not about you. Not about your evaluation, or who you will meet or your impressions of them, or theirs of you. This is still all about Me. Don't forget."
He said that because He knew I was forgetting. I've been in such a mode of DOING, that I was forgetting about BEING. Especially, being with the lover of my soul. I was fixated on testing out this place, evaluating it and its people to see if it would be the right congregation for us. But I was forgetting that He wanted to meet me there, get my attention, quench my thirst. And, oh, my thirsty heart was longing for Him, but in all the doing, I hadn't noticed.
The first couple songs during worship were not familiar to me, but one repeated, "Alleluia, alleluia..." over and over. When I picked up the melody and started to sing along, somewhere in there, I found Him. For the first time in a while I stopped doing and started being. I'm at a loss in describing what it felt like to connect with Jesus again in that moment. But what went through my mind in the middle of my damp eyes and the chorus was this: I've found my Alleluia.
I didn't know I had lost it. But with such a dramatic life change that's been happening in our family, and my feeling so responsible (maybe too much) for how this transition goes down for my kids, I can see how its happened. Just simply living out of a suitcase and not knowing where most of my stuff is - my devotionals, my Bible, my verse memory book - has left me so disheveled in every way.
On Instagram this afternoon, I posted a photo of the corner of the church building with a comment saying that the church we tried was great. And yes, it was. It was a great, Bible-teaching church that seemed to have many things for which we are looking in a body of believers. But I don't know if we'll choose that one, honestly. It was sort of beside the point for me today. I walked out of there with a full heart for another reason.
I had the privilege of BEING in God's house.
He invited me in. Welcomed me with open arms just like He always does.
And helped me find my Alleluia.
Of course, that was exactly what I needed.