Sunday, April 07, 2013

Finding my Alleluia


It's Sunday night.

And it's safe to say that this week, my nose has been to the grindstone, working to shape this transition for the kids. It's also safe to say that God has supernaturally provided for me as a mom. He likes to do that, particularly when odds are stacked against us. And they sorta are for me right now.

I could find a number of things about which to complain or feel sorry for myself. But for some reason, He hasn't let me hang my head.

He's given me laughter at the kids' silliness (I don't always have that.) He's given me fresh eyes to appreciate the nature around me (I don't always have that either.) And He's buoyed my heart with joy despite my circumstances.

That's God, people.

I mean, you know we are all five (dog included) in a single room in a hotel still, right? It has a moose wallpaper border. And a massive fort using all the furniture. Because why not, to both things.

But today I realized something.

We were about to leave for church, trying one for the first time, and God whispered to my heart, "This is not about you. Not about your evaluation, or who you will meet or your impressions of them, or theirs of you. This is still all about Me. Don't forget."

He said that because He knew I was forgetting. I've been in such a mode of DOING, that I was forgetting about BEING. Especially, being with the lover of my soul. I was fixated on testing out this place, evaluating it and its people to see if it would be the right congregation for us. But I was forgetting that He wanted to meet me there, get my attention, quench my thirst. And, oh, my thirsty heart was longing for Him, but in all the doing, I hadn't noticed.

The first couple songs during worship were not familiar to me, but one repeated, "Alleluia, alleluia..." over and over. When I picked up the melody and started to sing along, somewhere in there, I found Him. For the first time in a while I stopped doing and started being. I'm at a loss in describing what it felt like to connect with Jesus again in that moment. But what went through my mind in the middle of my damp eyes and the chorus was this: I've found my Alleluia.   

I didn't know I had lost it. But with such a dramatic life change that's been happening in our family, and my feeling so responsible (maybe too much) for how this transition goes down for my kids, I can see how its happened. Just simply living out of a suitcase and not knowing where most of my stuff is - my devotionals, my Bible, my verse memory book - has left me so disheveled in every way.

On Instagram this afternoon, I posted a photo of the corner of the church building with a comment saying that the church we tried was great. And yes, it was. It was a great, Bible-teaching church that seemed to have many things for which we are looking in a body of believers. But I don't know if we'll choose that one, honestly. It was sort of beside the point for me today. I walked out of there with a full heart for another reason.

I had the privilege of BEING in God's house.

He invited me in. Welcomed me with open arms just like He always does.

And helped me find my Alleluia.

Of course, that was exactly what I needed.



  1. "He invited me in"...a line that reminds me of something we heard in our evening service last night. The pastor was talking about God our FATHER and what that means. His message was very good but one line at the end really got me. He asked "have you ever stood looking at yourself in the mirror and said: 'God wanted ME.'" ???? Because he does want you...he chose you....he loves you. Do that as often as you need to be reminded.
    I'm thinking of you and praying for you often Leslie in this "in between" time. Are the kids still starting school this week?

  2. so, what you're saying is i should take down my moose wallpaper border? xoxo
    so glad you were able to get some feeding and love in God's house. i know things aren't ideal right now but He is holding you. all of you. i'm praying for you guys daily. also, i want to come visit.

  3. I'm so glad God is meeting you. I'm so glad the first day of school was good (saw on Instagram) and I know you'll get adjusted to the cold-eventually.

    Praise God for all he has done and all that he WILL continue to do!

  4. Just love what He said to you.

    I need to be reminded sososo much that it is not about me.

    Thanks for your writing.


  5. hmmm. so good. i love the ways He speaks so intimately to his he has been so near to you in this transition. May he continue to magnify Himself to you ( i know He will), and may you see and trust him.

  6. "But I was forgetting that He wanted to meet me there, get my attention, quench my thirst." I love that He showed you this and riveted your focus back to Him.