Back to School Tool #2: A Parenting Refresher

I have to admit that I sort of dread back-to-school season in a couple of respects.

1. The very early getting-ready portion of the weekdays
2. The afternoon homework portion of the weekdays

Now, if you consider that my kids are in school (ie. not with me) for the middle portion, then I'm not loving about MOST of the time we are actually spending together.

The main reason is that I know from experience those two windows of time can go really badly. I can drop my kids off at school and be crying by the time I'm home because I realize I was a bear of a mother that morning. Or I can lose my patience later in the day because sometimes homework sessions are rough.

I cracked this book open recently and knew I needed a parenting refresher. Serious. I need to be ready to take on the added pressure and changed dynamics that the school season brings to my home.

Tool #2: a parenting refresher

I also want to be armed with ideas. Most importantly, I want to confidently say that the schedule and added responsibility won't take over the peace and joy in our home.

This book, if you are not familiar with it, is an adaptation of my favorite parenting book of almost the same name, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk. If you have a child who is over the age of 2, in my opinion, you should read it. Cover to cover. Once a year. It's incredibly practical, and I guarantee some of the things you do and say to your child will be in the column of examples of what NOT to do and say. Each mom I know who has read it says that's been true for her.

So a few years ago, I purchased this version, How to Talk so Kids Can Learn, geared more towards school-related scenarios. Honestly, I bought it because I was a downright mess in trying to work with my daughter during homework time, and I knew it was primarily me who was the problem. Also, this version is written with teachers in mind. Well, I don't homeschool, but I definitely consider myself a teacher. I am, in fact, my children's first and most important teacher. That's what a mother is.

Here are some glimpses at what this book contains. It came as a surprise to me that it contained these cartoonish examples. And over time, I've come to love them. They depict very realistic scenes, and this one that I photographed is one example where I am the parent in the "What not to say" column. UGH.

Also, here are some chapters I need to reread. Like yesterday. Aren't they totally piquing your interest??

I'm actually not trying to sell you on these books. I'm just saying that one way I want to prepare for back-to-school is to refresh my parenting skills. ('Cause at least for me, it doesn't all come naturally!)

Maybe when you're out purchasing stuff in preparation for back to school - clothing, binders, and backpacks - stop at the library or bookstore and find something to prepare your own heart for good, solid mothering during the transition back to a more rigid schedule.

After school starts, my daily time with my children grows short. God knows how much I intensely desire to make the most of the hours I do have, showering them with love and grace.

Have a great weekend, friends.

Grace on a Thursday: How to ruin a blog

I don't know if you caught it today, but for a few hours, my blog was totally messed up.

I'm not exactly sure how I messed it up. (And I'm honestly not exactly sure how I got it back, which shows you just how much I know about what I'm doing, technically.) But one false "click" and I lost my whole Top of the Page blog design. All the buttons, the header, the photos, the entire sidebar.....it was all gone. I emailed my blog designer and she said she no longer had the graphics since it was a while ago.

I stared at my screen, fumbling for a solution for thirty minutes. My face was hot, my heart rate was up. I muttered to myself, "I ruined it," over and over. 

Eventually, I had to give up my attempts and take the kids somewhere. I drove around, enjoyed a free Icee from 7-11 (since today is 7/11), and tried to follow my husband's encouragement to calm down. I resisted the temptation to pull up my blog on my phone and continue to stare at what I could not fix.

When I came home, I resolved to try some new ideas to recover my design. Within 5 minutes, my computer completely froze, raising my frustration all over again. But just before I let myself react, somehow then I understood. Ever have those moments when the lightbulb goes on and you realize the problem may not be about what you thought it was about?

Finally. God had grace to trade for my anxiety, and I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to get away with Him for a bit. He had something to say (and how many roadblocks would He have to construct before I stopped to listen?) I plopped myself on the couch and put my face into the seat cushion. So full of grace, He said,

Don't misunderstand what you're doing, here. Your influence, your service to me is holy. Did you really think that changing what your blog looks like could ruin it?

I felt led to open my Bible to what comes next in my daily reading: Philippians 3.

"We put no confidence in human effort, though I could have confidence in my own effort if anyone could. Indeed, if others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more!

(then Paul lists his credentials for being a "good" Jewish boy.)

I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him." (NLT)

Paul is talking about "discarding" any reason to boast or appear successful in the world's eyes for the sake of having a singular definition, a singular source of confidence: Jesus.  
 My credentials for having a "good" blog are as follows.
I have a cute, custom blog design.
I have a decent following.
I have some good ideas, recipes, crafts, photos.
I have sponsors.
I use turquoise and cute fonts.
I use social media to promote it.
I...
I...
I...

It's all garbage, compared to knowing and sharing Jesus.

How silly of me to believe for a second that I could ruin my blog by changing what it looks like. The only way I can ruin my blog is to leave Jesus out of it. He is what I have to really offer. (I realize not all of you have the exact same calling I feel I have in blogging, and not all of you have faith-centered blogs. That's perfectly okay. I'm just speaking for myself and what I feel called to/convicted about.)

In my quiet time with Him, after He messed up my design and froze my computer, God reminded me:

People are literally truth-starved. Is your confidence in what your blog looks like? In what the world says is of value? Or is your confidence in sharing Me? Is your confidence in My work here, since you've offered this to Me?

I'm not saying that from now on, I'll make my blog unattractive and stop sharing recipes. What I'm saying is that I need to remember the point. And (sigh) I need to embrace GRACE when I get caught up in anxiety over less important stuff like I did today.

I'm asking myself...

Is my confidence as a blogger in Him and His work alone?

Do I boast about Jesus more than I boast about more frivolous things here?

Do all my other sources of pride look like garbage compared to how much pride I have in knowing Him?

Am I maintaining that the primary motive of my blog is to share Jesus and His story?

I hope so.
 
Because if not, I will ruin my blog.
 
For reals.   
 

I needed a Sabbath.

I have gone back and forth, over the years, on the issue of keeping a "Sabbath." I'm referring to the commandment (one of the 10, incidentally) that says to keep the seventh day of the week holy, or literally "set apart" for the Lord. The Bible also clarifies that God's people are to do no work on the Sabbath, that it is to be a day of rest.

What it means to keep a Sabbath day has been interpreted in a zillion different ways. I know some families who take this very literally. They not only try to avoid any work on Sunday, but they also try to stay away from activities that require others to work, such as going out to a restaurant. Others I've talked to feel that they take that rest time spread out over the week, like chunks of sabbath time, but not all at once on a set day. I'd say most of my Christian friends and family members, however, don't actually observe what they would identify as a Sabbath rest at all.



I've gone back and forth, like I said, over the years. I do try to take the Bible literally and obey it's commands as much as possible. And I do believe God absolutely knows what is best for us. If He has commanded that we should work for six days and then keep the seventh as a day of rest in a given week, who am I to change that around?

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
Exodus 20:8-11

For me, I just question why on earth I resist His specified weekly structure.

Wait, I know why.
Because my pride interferes with my obedience.

Because I think I know what's best for me.
Because I think getting stuff done will better serve my family and me so I stay in a constant state of asking myself, "What needs to be done next?"

And this past Friday, I saw a busy weekend looming. Saturday was going to be filled with commitments all strung together one after the next. After the kids went to bed, I couldn't do anything else. I declared out loud, "I need a Sabbath." I needed it all to stop.

Problem was that my sink was full of dishes. My laundry basket was full of clean, unfolded clothes. My fridge was end-of-the-week empty. Normally, every other week, there is no way I'd walk away from all that to rest for a full day. No way. But Saturday night, I knew I had no choice. It was as if I had already run a marathon without a drop of water. Not one more thing could be done until I drank deep some Sabbath rest.



Sunday, we went to church. We worshipped, we learned. We went home.
I pushed down my impulse to work.
We made sandwiches at home and then gathered some things into the car. 
I pushed down my anxiety from not working. Over and over, actually.
I brought two magazines that had been gathering dust on my desk. I actually read them while my husband did a few light jobs for my parents. Then we got some exercise with the kids. It was great. It felt good.
We were all so happy.

I don't know if it was related, but my kids played so amazingly well together all day. Playing, laughing, and being silly. I don't recall any bickering or whining at all. Did they perhaps need a sabbath too? (Lord, how have I robbed them of rest through my own disobedience!?) 

When we returned home, all the piles loomed. And then I remembered that according to the Jewish calendar, the end of the day is considered sundown. Their tradition was that the new day starts in the evening, and carries until the next sundown. It made so much sense to me, in terms of taking a Sabbath, for me, for my life. I had stopped working Saturday night (out of sheer exhaustion, this week anyway), took all of Sunday to rest, and then was energized and refreshed to get to work Sunday night, preparing for the week. It was like God gave me a green light and a full heart to dive back in to the holy jobs He's given me. And I had the means to do them well, with a happy heart and a full tank.

So often, I approach my jobs, particularly in my home, with a heavy heart, as if they burden me. I wonder if it's because I've neglected God's order for my week and disobeyed His command to rest. Perhaps this running-on-empty feeling is more of a choice than I've realized.

And Jesus said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath."
Mark 2:27

I take time daily to spend with Him, to fill up spiritually. But is that enough? Are my body and mind receiving enough quiet and refreshment in those moments to carry me through seven whole days? I don't think so. Something has been missing. And I suspect it's a Sabbath.

What about you? What are your thoughts on this?

Recovering overachievers unite

Mr. Lund will forever go down in history as being the one teacher in high school who was rude enough to give me a B.

It was my Junior year. He was so incredibly boring, I think I spent the better part of his class, Math Analysis, writing poetry in the margins of my notebook. I'm not sure if that fact is related to the getting of a B, but I'm pretty sure he just gave me one because he was that teacher: the kind who wants to ruin someone's straight A's just because he can.

That B really bugged me. If you haven't already gathered, overachieving became a sort of disease I didn't know I had for like twenty years. (If your heart skipped a beat at the sight of that scantron above, then you have it too.) And I can't really pinpoint when the change occurred, but for a handful of years now, I've considered myself Recovering.

I think the cure began to take effect when I learned about who I was in terms of my identity. Somewhere in my twenties, the truth about who I was in God's eyes began to reduce the defining potency of who I was in my parents' eyes. Or the world's eyes. Or my husband's eyes. Or, most importantly, my own eyes.  

I slowly learned that I live for an audience of One.

But that doesn't mean the overachieving tendency doesn't try to sneak up on me all the time. It just means I've learned to shut it down. The truth about who I am and who I need to be (actually, who I don't need to be) shuts it down instantly.

And here's how it's working right this minute. My tendency says:

Make New Year's resolutions!
Make plans!
Calendar stuff!
Draft up goals and visions and deadlines and promises! (Because if you make them, you know you'll keep them.)
Make it happen, and then feel good about it!

But Truth says:

Yeah, those are all good things.
But are they good for you? Right now?
Do not worry about tomorrow. (Matt 6:34)
All God requires is that you walk humbly with Him. (Micah 6:8)
Don't be anxious about anything. Pray instead. (Phil 4:6)
Cease striving, and know that God is God and you are not. (Psalm 46:10)

Truth reminds me that I don't have to do anything more than what God assigns me. That is such a relief. Because when I drum up all those extra goals and projects, all I manage to really do is wear myself out and rob myself from succeeding at my actual assignments!

I know right this minute what I have on my plate (in no particular order):
Being a daughter of the King
Wifedom
Motherhood
Home care manager
Meal manager
Blogging
Bible Study
One ministry that I'm serving in
Friend

Those are all jobs He's either handed me just by virtue of my circumstances, or nudged me to take on at one point during my walk with Him. I'd say that is a lot. That list makes me really not want to add anything to it of my own accord.

So I guess my resolution is to do my current jobs well. To see my assignments as holy and valuable because they are from God Himself. I pray I can honor Him with my efforts.

The satisfaction I receive from the Lord for being a faithful worker for Him is truly far greater than any I received working for myself. Overachieving provides merely a cheap substitute for the real deal.

I think it's called Purpose.

Grace on a Thursday: When I screw up Plan A

Last night, I went to midweek church, primarily because my daughter was set on helping build a 100 foot- long banana split with the 4th/5th grade ministry. My husband wasn't able to come, my son complained about going, but we went, as I was committed to supporting her desire to participate.

I sat in the seat of the grown-up service, realizing we'd be getting home late and it was Wednesday night; time to write a Grace on a Thursday post again. And I was drawing a blank.

Then I glanced at the evening's outline in my hand. The title read: "Grace." Awesome, Lord. He provided just what I needed.

Ryan, one of our pastors, challenged us to process God's grace in a way I hadn't previously. I know grace is available for me when I'm going through hard times. I know grace is available for my overall, big-picture sin, paving the path to salvation through Jesus' death and resurrection. What I hadn't thought about is how it is by grace that God "reconfigures" His plans for me when I screw them up.

It reminded me of a car navigation system. When you drive off course, the system's voice doesn't scold you, condemn you, or force you back to the beginning of your mistake. It patiently reroutes you. It locates you exactly where you are at that moment, and guides you back onto the right course by a different path.

God is a lot like that (with a much less annoying voice). I don't know the number of times I've chosen to go my own way, provoking Him to His face and deciding my route seems best. Tons of times, though. Tons of times I've managed to thwart His best plan for me. Tons of times I've lost my patience and spoken a harsh word. I've ramped up control instead of knelt in prayer. I've missed opportunities out of laziness and selfishness. I've flat out chosen to rebel. And miraculously, God has never once left me in the dead end of sin. Instead, He draws me, in grace, away from my bad ideas and back onto His course. 

Have you experienced this? How God will take the mess we've created and rearrange the parts so that our best interest is still the priority? Nothing else in life works this way. Mistakes are always set-backs in every other area of life. But with Jesus, we can be completely working against His plan A - for instance, harboring bitterness in a relationship - and He will set to work convicting, healing and rearranging our hearts so that we come out of the hardship better off than we were before. That's simply amazing.

Romans 8:28 is such an important verse. You may know it. It promises that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him. Tonight, I thought of this verse strictly in terms of my mistakes as being the "all things." God not only works things outside of our control together for our good. But "all things" includes my own willful sin. What a grace that is! I may endure consequences for my poor choices, but God is regularly rerouting my wayward journey so that I am being guided back to Him. Back to forgiveness. Back to hope and peace and joy. That is what I call redemption. And it's all because of grace.

Thank you, Lord, for showing up for me last night and giving me fresh insight on what grace does. We so depend on it, every single day. May we follow you faithfully today, and if not, may we quickly embrace your generous grace to realign our wills with Yours.


{P.S. For those of you who are new here, I have another blog where this girl and I chat, called Cake & Cotton. My latest post is here, on a quick and easy fall craft I did with the kids last week.}

Seam-ripping

Hi friends! Happy Tuesday. How'd you survive that Monday this week? We have three weeks of summer left, and I'm trying to squeeze in as much time as I can being present with my little people. I'm not even going to face the sadness I know I'll feel - like I do every year - when they have to go back.

So here's what's going on in my world right this minute. I just seam-ripped a whole sewing project that I attempted last night. I hate seam-ripping.

I'm not very good at sewing, but I try. I can manage certain things, and the things I can't...well, I blame it on the machine. Last night, I tried to sew a large blanket, not realizing that one of the fabrics was stretchy. By the time I stitched down the entire first side, I had about 6 inches extra of the stretchy one! Darn! So I turned the corner, deciding in my mind that the blanket would be fine if I just kept going. I guess I was hearing Tim Gunn in my head, and his whole "Make it work!" mantra. I could always cut off the extra later anyway, before I turned it. What a plan.

By the time I was sewing down the home stretch on the last side, I had to face the fact that it was an official disaster. I plopped the blanket on my chair, exhausted and annoyed, and put off the seam-ripping until the next night.

And who knew! Tonight, I figured it out. I fixed it, and successfully finished the blanket.

Then I sat myself down on the couch to write a little something, and thought of part of the Sunday message at church. Our pastor mentioned this verse, and I so needed the reminder:

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6  

The dots connected immediately in my mind. I am so like the messed up blanket. The events, hurts, and disasters of my life stitch me up in ways that just don't follow God's pattern for me. He has to rip those messy seams open, and continue HIS good work, ever so gently stitching me back together according to His ideas for me. He undoes the bad work, and replaces it with good work.

But seam-ripping is never fun. I have been feeling and witnessing and experiencing it in and around me the last few days. And I am reminded that God is in the business of repairing and reversing damage. He is always ripping out old broken threads that tie us down in the wrong ways. And the best promise is that He will continue His good work in me until my days are done. Oh, thank you Jesus that you are never tired of this messy project! You never plop me down on your workbench, and put me off until later, exhausted and annoyed. You carefully, patiently hold me and make me more beautiful with every stitch.

Friends, I hope you feel deep down in your soul this morning that if you know Him personally, Jesus is relentlessly creating a good work in you. He never tires of it, and He does all His work full of love and compassion. And He always will. Isn't that a promise you need today? I do.

Philippians 1:6 is so encouraging to me. As rough as life can be, one day this good work will be completed. And perfect. That sounds fun.

{linking up today with my girls, Amy & Jami. i like the sound of that.}



 

Sunday refocus

Lately, I've been tricked into believing that a lot of my efforts go to waste.

The other night, I cooked a nice dinner. I did not want to. It was hot, I was exhausted, and I would have much rather spent extra money ordering something to pick up. But I know my husband feels loved when I cook for him. I know he also appreciates my efforts to save money by eating at home. So I mustered up the energy and came up with quite a nice meal.

He then came home to say that he'd already eaten. Our communication wires got crossed and I ended up feeling so discouraged. I felt like half the time, the things I do around our home are a waste.

I clean off a counter, just so the rest of the family can set all their junk back on it.

I try something new and healthy in the kitchen and no one likes it.

I paint my own toenails instead of getting a pricey pedicure in order to be a better steward of our money and it gets ruined in minutes from the trampling of little feet.

I teach my children good manners, good language, and kindness as the world around them teaches name calling, selfishness, and disrespect.

I organize (insert any part of the kids' rooms HERE) just so it can be undone into a big mess again.

So much of what I spend my time on gets reversed or seemingly washed away.

And God knows I've been wrestling with this feeling. So I'm not surprised that this morning, during my quiet time, I read this:

Whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
Colossians 3:23-24


Yes! Okay. I know this. (And how easy it is to forget!)

Nothing goes unaccounted for in heaven. Jesus sees everything I do, every effort I make to serve another. And if my heart motivation is to ultimately serve and love HIM, then my reward and my sense of satisfaction at the end of the day cannot be taken from me.

I think perhaps God removes our earthly satisfaction at times, gives us a taste of feeling like our efforts in this life are a waste, just to make sure we learn this lesson. Just to remind us that our hearts are not quite where they could be. It is very easy to "work for men," seeking approval and appreciation in all we do. That's human. It's a bit of a challenge to not need that recognition, knowing solidly that the Lord sees, and that His recognition is enough.

I pray we can go into our week knowing that we serve and love and work for an audience of One.

Well I don't have a brain tumor

Because for a while I kind of thought I did.

This is one of those posts I struggle to compose, but the lesson is so important that I know I need to. Over the past year or so, I've been noticing a very subtle but increasing problem with my speech. So subtle that my husband hasn't noticed. I've been stumbling over my words a bit, struggling about once a day to get the right word or words out, in the right way. Sometimes the letters get squished, or a syllable gets substituted with something slightly different. I might say, "The dog needs to go out-thide" instead of "outside." Another thing that happens is that sometimes I have to pause and shut my eyes for a second to think of a common word, like "couch," when I'm staring right at it. I know everyone jumbles words from time to time. But not every day.

It's been unnerving. I don't know if you've noticed, but words and expressing myself are kind of a big deal for me. I went to my general doctor about six months ago, feeling completely foolish even bringing it up at my annual check-up. He suggested I pay closer attention and revisit the issue if I noticed it worsening. Well, I did notice. (And perhaps I only noticed it because now I was paying closer attention.) But this week, he sent me to a neurologist.

It was the craziest experience. One reason being that I suddenly found myself in an episode of Grey's Anatomy, where I was Meredith's 75 year-old patient being screened for Alzheimer's. After the first few questions, I started laughing and nervously chattering about the similarities to the show, while the poor P.A., who was younger than I, politely smiled, most likely thought I was a pathetic little housewife, and said she didn't watch it. How could I not laugh when she said, "I'm going to say three words. In a few minutes, I want you to repeat them back to me." That line's been in nearly every episode for months. They're performing a clinical trial, you know.

(Side note addressed to Ms. Physician's Assistant: BTW, I still know them. Flag, ball, tree. And another thing. Thinking it's June 6th instead of June 7th does not count as minus one on the stupid test. It just means I'm a mother, with no reason to know what the exact date is. June 6th, give or take a few days, is FINE. You're lucky I knew it was June already. And lastly, I'm not that pathetic.)

Back to my brain. The doctor finally came in. I passed all the tests, he ruled out a degenerative condition, and so he began questioning my lifestyle. How do I sleep at night? How about my eating...vitamins...am I a vegan? (apparently vegans can have vitamin deficiencies that can cause memory problems). All well and good, and yes I eat plenty of meat. So then he began peering at me. I swear it was like he was reading my mind. All the while, he was slightly grinning. It wasn't a smirk. It was almost like he recognized me, or...recognized my brain.

For the second time, the appointment started to feel really crazy to me. The doctor said that my brain was simply maxxed out, overfull, and that I was demanding too much of it by way of multitasking. He compared it to a computer that slows down when too many programs are open at once. And while his diagnosis sounded so NOT complex and somewhat obvious, his words started to peel back something deeper inside. I started to feel really exposed, like I was sitting there without a shirt on.

You know that feeling when you talk to your best friend, and she is completely tracking with your every thought even though you've only said five words? That is what was happening, but I was talking with a man, who was also a stranger. Super weird. He got exactly what I was saying and had a way of clarifying my thoughts further. I tend to believe he was speaking from personal experience. This is what it comes down to. Many times in the course of my day, I am relegating my communication to auto-pilot and have already mentally skipped ahead to something else. My lack of attention to my words and sometimes to whom I'm even speaking is the cause for the mistakes. It was a new thought for me that not everyone's brain is doing that. And it took one to know one.

As quickly as I felt strangely known and seen, I also felt a stab in my spirit. The kind that comes from the Lord, what we call conviction. The peeling back and revelation of my problem came with deep conviction I won't soon forget: I need to be more present. I need to take a breath. Focus. See to whom I am speaking, and communicate more carefully, even if it is simply, "It's time for homework."

How could I have assumed anything worth saying could be delivered through that auto-pilot part of my brain, while I gave my real attention to shuffling through mail or chopping vegetables? There were a couple of moments, while I talked with the doctor, when I feared he would notice my eyes were swollen with tears.

As soon as I got to my car, I didn't know whether I should cheer because I didn't have a brain tumor, laugh because it was such a simple problem, or melt into tears because of what I began to realize has been lost...the time, the moments, the opportunities for relationship...all because I've become a habitual multitasker. Mostly, I felt grieved. And still do.

So that's where I'm at, on a new tack. Trying to open my eyes, slow down my words, and be all there, wherever I am. Today I don't remember fumbling my words once. I think that's a good sign.