Friday, May 20, 2011

Right this minute.

Casey's got this cool link-up on Fridays called What is on your heart? So I'm gonna tell you what's on mine. Then I'm gonna link up. And I like lists, so I'm numbering the things. Numbering tricks me into believing my mind has some order to it. And it's casual Friday today here at top of the page. I just decided that. In a writing sense, not a khakis-and-white-shirts sense.

Here goes.

1. Tonight I started editing some photos from the past few years of my son's life. His birthday is Sunday and I'm planning to write a post about him in honor of his six years. The pictures. Man. I miss my baby, and yet I'm so excited for his new stage. Kindergarten ends in a few weeks. His 0-5 years ends in two days. You know what that means? You know how every book and smart person says that the most critical season in a child's life is from 0-5? You know how it feels to digest the fact that after Sunday, I will have ZERO children under six? I can't even wrap my emotions around it all. But I am trying to remember this post, and how to keep perspective....less focus on the loss of where he's been, more focus on the celebration of where he is going. Which is hard to do looking at those photos. Breathing slowly.

2. Number three is going to be about this book I'm reading. But number two is about my bookmark in that book. I often use photos as bookmarks. And this one is extra special to me. It is an old, square photo with rounded corners. The back is stamped with FEB 1978. Handwriting in blue ink says "Friends, 8 mos." It is a picture of me, just having turned 3, sitting on a hideously 70's brown couch with a patchwork pattern on it, my arm snugly around my brother, the 8 month old. He is slumped to the side against me, baby rolls hidden by his white PJs. I am in a goldenrod turtleneck, my strawberry bangs neatly trimmed above my eyebrows. I am pushing my pink cheek down to his fuzzy head. If it weren't casual Friday, I'd get off the couch and scan it for you. But you have a good imagination. I lose reading time while staring at this photo. I love my brother.

3. Casual Friday is imploring me to say it this way: Elizabeth Elliot is legit. Seriously. She is the spiritual mentor I've never had. As soon as I open any book of hers, I am floored by the truths inside, and how much I need them. I just started this book, Discipline: The Glad Surrender. I resisted reading it for a long while, honestly because reading a book on discipline sounds about as interesting as eating oatmeal every day for eternity. But what in the world. It is one of those where I am SO mad when I happen to be reading it and don't have a pen handy. I have to stop myself from underlining the whole page sometimes. Let me just share one little piece. OK, I tried to decide what to excerpt from the book and it's too hard to choose. I'll write about the greatness and what I'm learning in smaller bits later. You may be hearing a lot about it.

4. Lastly, on a more vulnerable note, I've been just keeping my head above water lately. In case you're in the same boat, I'm in it. So many challenges swirling around me lately, in my mind and heart. I do have an understanding that some of it is spiritual attack. I do know that others are struggling around me as well, and are causing some of the strife. I do know lots of grace better be happening for them and for myself. And in my rough place, I read this post last night - how I love Gina's heart - and I was not expecting my face to flush hot with the coming of tears. It was the Holy Spirit reminding me, "I've got this. I'm holding it all together." It was just what I needed. Then this morning, I made a quick stop for a bagel at a local place I like to support because they are Christians and they have the best bagels ever. Once in a while, they play Christian music inside, but today I wasn't listening. I was in my own thoughts. I didn't notice until halfway through my bagel that this Chris Tomlin song was on. Yeah. Hot flush on my face, welling up, over my bagel. Over the Lord.

How He loves me. How He is calling me to bring all my mess to Him, offer me His healing grace. He is so gentle, caring tenderly for my bare heart. {Sigh} I have a lot to work through right now, but at least I know to lean in to Him.

Suddenly casual Friday turned into weepy Friday. But that's how I roll sometimes. I'm a feeler. Well, I hope you have a great weekend. I'll be celebrating it with my special little soon to be six year old. Legos will be involved. I'll share next week.



  1. I love that song. And sometimes you just have to give in to what the Holy Spirit is doing in your heart and let it turn into weepy Friday. You have a beautiful, tender heart, Leslie.

  2. "keeping my head above water"-I used that same phraseology in one of my posts this week so Im right there with you.
    Heres praying you have a wonderful weekend celebrating this new milestone with your little man.

  3. aw i adore you. i wish you lived by me, i need more of you

  4. Thank you, dear friend, for being so transparent. I'm praying for you.

    Also, I've never heard that song, if you can believe it? Now I'm a blubbering mess, sitting at my computer... I think that song will be the first one we sing in heaven, after we've recovered (if that ever happens) from seeing God in all His glory. Wow.

  5. I'm right there with you but God is good and he is just waiting for us to lay it at His feet. Maybe it's the birthday's that are making us so emotional! ;)

  6. Great post! I'm a feeler´s very good to get to know you better.

    Kisses and God bless you. Go to my blog ´cause we´ve group post and a little thing to all of you.

  7. I love this post. I need to do posts like this, where I list what is on my heart. Sometimes I feel like there is no one to listen or no one wants to hear me, but it's nice to get feedback and know that people really do care.

    The best part, I love what you said, HE loves me. He will clean up my messes and mend my heart and that makes me happy!

    I clicked on the link about your brother, totally random, but my husband is starting that CERT training in our area at the end of the month. How cool!