Grace on a Thursday: Marriage edition

None of us married someone perfect, and if we did, we certainly wouldn't belong with them! Which is why grace is an essential ingredient in a healthy marriage. But instead of a long-winded (what, me?) post, I thought I'd just be honest about the ways in which I need grace from my husband. Another thing a healthy marriage needs is humility. It's not easy to face our weaknesses, but practice helps.

Here are some of the many areas in which I need my husband's grace...his "unmerited favor"...

I need grace for the times I micromanage his parenting, his time, or even the way he loads the dishwasher instead of being thankful that he IS parenting, taking care of himself, or helping with the dishes at all.

I need grace for the times I let my fears run my emotions, treating him like the person I'm afraid he is, instead of seeing him through God's eyes.

I need grace for all my careless words and reactions.

I need grace for the times I fail to walk closely with the Lord, having little or nothing to offer him.

I need grace for the times in that weakness when I make him my god, looking for my deepest needs to be met by him, someone incapable of meeting them.

I need grace for the times I raise my voice to our children - his children - out of my emptiness.

I need grace for the times I see that glaring speck in his eye and neglect the log in my own.

And I need grace for the past, those times through the years when my words or actions left particularly big scars on his heart and have resulted in present day challenges in relating.

I know there are more. And he needs grace in many of the same ways from me. Every marriage has it's set of issues and injuries. But the bottom line is that unless we are regularly accepting God's gift of grace for ourselves, we can't grant it to our spouse. I am not beating myself up for these weaknesses. I am not wallowing in guilt and shame. Where would that get us? I am 1) embracing God's grace for me because I know Jesus died for my mistakes, and 2) asking for that same grace from my husband. Because of his own hurt, he can't always give it, and that's okay. That's human. To forgive does not mean to forget. But I still try to push forward, make better choices, and stay connected to God.

I get caught up in wanting to be a perfect wife for him. Always lifting him up, putting his needs first, and taking care of my family without a hitch. But that's not real. Perfection is nothing more than a destructive illusion.

Instead, my prayer needs to be that I increase in grace, accepting myself for my sin and shortcomings, and accepting my husband in his. 

How different would our marriages look if they were overflowing with grace?

Marriage, Social Media, & Jon Acuff

I find that the pressure to be in the loop on the various social media sites today is intense. And let's not pretend that maintaining all those memberships is not affecting our ability to relate to the people staring us in the face every day. Since I'm writing about marriage this week, I'll tell you where I land in reference to that.

There is a fine line between harmless distraction and neglect of relationship. And that line is really hard to spot. But we all know it's there. It's the point at which the time you may be spending with your spouse begins to be replaced with too much time looking at a screen. Maintaining a social presence on one's blog, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook does not happen in a vacuum. It happens at a cost. And I have a reverence for my own marriage enough to (most of the time - what? you thought I was perfect??) keep my head up, and my laptop closed when I have an opportunity to be with my husband. Because, honestly, those opportunities for quality time together for us are rare, and I'm not about to jeopardize them.

A lot of times, he's home but unavailable, or asleep, or working out in the garage. And I allow myself to clickity-clack away at my desk. But if he is available, I try to hang out with him. I feel our time alone together is so infrequent that I want him to know I'd choose him first. Because I would. That's not to say we both don't need alone time. We allow for that on both sides. But we try to be responsible with our online connectedness, and keep it in the margins of our home life. Again, I say we try. Which means sometimes we fail. Sometimes I'm embarrassed at how hard it is to tear away from checking my blog, or how I read emails on my phone to force my eyes awake in the morning. Sometimes I get annoyed at how many times my husband looks at his phone on a Saturday when we're all together. Our lives are interwoven with our devices and that's not a bad thing. It simply provides new challenges to act responsibly with them.

Technology and social media, while claiming to help build relationships, are more likely to sneak in and become wedges in our most important ones. I don't think that is a surprising statement to anyone. Of course anything could be a wedge...any activity or pursuit that subtracts from the marriage in a major way can become a threat to it. But for whatever reason, we're less inclined to suspect the same from social media. Perhaps because we can be sitting next to the person we love, feeling "present" in our own home, yet the reality is we are mentally and emotionally in a completely different world.

Jon Acuff has a great post on social media and marriage here. I had to share it, because for one, he's super funny, and for two, we are all living this crash of technology and relationship. It's no small deal. But Jon allows us to laugh at ourselves and our issues, and then he challenges us to walk taller. We have all been with someone so engaged in his or her phone that we feel slighted. We all fear the impact of instant access to everything on a personal device and what that means for our kids, our marriages, and our futures. So read Jon's post and let me know what you think.

This is a great topic for discussion, and I love that he's bringing the subject to the table. Do you have any practices or rules in your home to manage this issue in terms of your marriage?

On being an encouraging wife

Frankly, I don't feel very good at being an encouraging wife. It's not for lack of trying. It's just that sometimes I see that my words don't actually achieve what I set them out to do. Instead, they come across as something else, which is discouraging for both my husband and I.

I think I make the mistake of trying to encourage my husband in the way I want to be encouraged, which for me, means verbal affirmation, appreciation, or little loving notes (all things involving words). But I know that Kevin is often not as moved by words as he is by, for instance, actions on my part. In a way, encouraging someone begins to involve an understanding of that person's love languages. And being loving doesn't always mean loving a person in the same way in which you want to be loved.

Since I didn't have much confidence in my encouragement expertise, I asked Kevin to share with me what makes him feel encouraged. And wow! He took my question very seriously and gave a very thoughtful answer. I think I'll butcher it if I paraphrase, so I'm going to excerpt it instead (he wrote it all down). Because these thoughts are pretty awesome. He wrote:

I think of encouragement in terms of validation. Validation encourages me. I need validation for 1) who I am, and 2) who God made me to be (which I may not be yet.) The latter type isn't always encouraging at first. Sometimes it's irritating, thought-provoking, enlightening, or simply a seed planted for later. The point is that encouragement can be instant or long-standing. One example of "who I am" instant encouragement is when you recognize and validate my need for alone time, and suggest I take time to myself. That is encouraging because it says, "I get you," and "I want to give you what you need." An example of long-standing encouragement is when you've said things like, "Thank you for working so hard so I can stay home with the kids." That encourages me to continue working hard, and it validates me in the way my hard work brings fruit to our family.

But the biggest thing you can do to encourage me - or anyone - is not what you say, but who you are. When you live your life for Christ, I am encouraged. Your faithful way of living might be irritating, thought-provoking, enlightening, or simply a seed planted for later. But I am encouraged in some way - period. 

Ideally, you can validate me for who I am in Christ, while encouraging me with your own walk in Christ. And ideally, we would be doing that for each other, in a Christ-centered marriage. Because that is where true encouragement comes from. It doesn't come from us and what we have to say to each other. It comes from Him and what the Spirit wants to use us for in each other's lives.

And that, my friends, is a far better explanation of true encouragement than I would have come up with!

I think the bottom line - my own take home message - is to tune in to the Holy Spirit's leading and help in being an encouragement. God knows what my husband needs in any given moment, even more than my husband himself does. In fact, when he is most needy, he is least able to express his needs to me. That is all the more reason for me to listen to the Lord. Sometimes I will need to encourage Kevin with words, sometimes with silence. Sometimes with a hug, or a night off, or an apology. And I won't have much at all to give unless I'm sticking close to Jesus. Isn't that the way it always is?

If the time is right, drum up the courage to ask your spouse what makes him or her feel encouraged. It may take some humility, but you may be surprised by the answer.

{Thanks, Jami, for this great new linky!!}

{Tomorrow, I'll be talking about how marriage and social media are not so much a match made in heaven.}

14 years ago today...

...our family started.

We see our wedding anniversary as the birthday of our family.

Today our family turns 14. {That sounds like a long time!}

Our wedding, now, seems somewhat of a blur in my memory. I know there were many beautiful moments. But what strikes me most is how a wedding really has nothing to do with a marriage. No matter how much time one spends planning a wedding, nothing can truly prepare you for what it means to be married, even what it means to love.

Love has to be chosen, fought for, and sometimes held onto for dear life. At 22, when I walked down the aisle, love seemed so....what's the word?...sparkly. Smooth, shiny, and sweet. Not something I know it to be now, something to be hammered out with equal parts sweat and tears and joy.

And then what about the next 14 years to come? What will I think of love then, as I turn 50? Perhaps, like old cotton sheets that get washed over and over for years, love becomes broken in and regains some of its softness, from wear, and wrenching around. Think of the difference between soft, new sheets, and soft old ones. The old ones have a texture and a comfort that you cannot manufacture. That kind of comfort can't be bought. Only wrought.

I think this past year has yielded a softness to our love that we have not known before. And that hasn't come easily. (I talk about that here, and Kevin talks about it here.)

But I'm so deeply thankful that year after year, God continues to help us hammer out our love. He continues to inspire and encourage us. He continues to teach us who Love really is. And for all of these 14 past years, and for all the ones to come, we owe everything we have to Him.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of each other.

Happy Anniversary to you, my loved husband, and Happy Birthday to our family!

{In honor of our anniversary, I'll be talking about marriage for a bit.

Tomorrow, i'll be hooking up with Jami's new linky on the topic of encouragement.}

Sunday refocus

Lately, I've been tricked into believing that a lot of my efforts go to waste.

The other night, I cooked a nice dinner. I did not want to. It was hot, I was exhausted, and I would have much rather spent extra money ordering something to pick up. But I know my husband feels loved when I cook for him. I know he also appreciates my efforts to save money by eating at home. So I mustered up the energy and came up with quite a nice meal.

He then came home to say that he'd already eaten. Our communication wires got crossed and I ended up feeling so discouraged. I felt like half the time, the things I do around our home are a waste.

I clean off a counter, just so the rest of the family can set all their junk back on it.

I try something new and healthy in the kitchen and no one likes it.

I paint my own toenails instead of getting a pricey pedicure in order to be a better steward of our money and it gets ruined in minutes from the trampling of little feet.

I teach my children good manners, good language, and kindness as the world around them teaches name calling, selfishness, and disrespect.

I organize (insert any part of the kids' rooms HERE) just so it can be undone into a big mess again.

So much of what I spend my time on gets reversed or seemingly washed away.

And God knows I've been wrestling with this feeling. So I'm not surprised that this morning, during my quiet time, I read this:

Whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
Colossians 3:23-24


Yes! Okay. I know this. (And how easy it is to forget!)

Nothing goes unaccounted for in heaven. Jesus sees everything I do, every effort I make to serve another. And if my heart motivation is to ultimately serve and love HIM, then my reward and my sense of satisfaction at the end of the day cannot be taken from me.

I think perhaps God removes our earthly satisfaction at times, gives us a taste of feeling like our efforts in this life are a waste, just to make sure we learn this lesson. Just to remind us that our hearts are not quite where they could be. It is very easy to "work for men," seeking approval and appreciation in all we do. That's human. It's a bit of a challenge to not need that recognition, knowing solidly that the Lord sees, and that His recognition is enough.

I pray we can go into our week knowing that we serve and love and work for an audience of One.

Why I need a rocking chair

I realize my blog has now become an email forward, which makes me the person who forwards you stuff and you sorta cringe when you see their name in your inbox.

But. I just want to say that a part of me loves this description of the way things used to be. My cousin Ami sent me this email and mentioned that this is probably the way our grandmothers did the wash as young women. I could muster the energy to wash a tub of clothes by hand, in boiling water, with a broom handle, if I could be promised the same ending as this.


Years ago an Alabama grandmother gave a new bride the following recipe:
This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook -
With spelling errors and all.

WARSHING CLOTHES


Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin' water.

Sort things, make 3 piles

1 pile white,
1 pile colored,
1 pile work britches and rags.


To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water.

Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch.

Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.

Hang old rags on fence.

Spread tea towels on grass.

Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy water.

Turn tubs upside down.

Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.



How much do you love that!? Even though my friends at Whirlpool help me with the laundry, who says I can't put on a clean dress at the end of the day, make some tea, sit a spell (I don't have a rocker), and count my blessings?

That's the best advice for a homemaker that I've heard in a long time.

The next time I'm at the vintage flea market, I'm looking for hair combs. (And maybe a washboard as a reminder!)

Staycation love in pictures

If you crammed all the good things about summertime into one week, you'd sum up our staycation.

Just had to share a few more of my favorite moments (I shared the first few here).

Get ready for a photo extravaganza.

He yelled: Mom! There's a giant crab!
I yelled: Hey buddy, look this way! (So I could take a pic of him)
Then he shushed me, mad that my loud voice could scare off the crab.

Oh my, that sweet silhouette.

There is a man waiting to happen, waiting to conquer something.

I love piers.

It's all about rental beach cruisers.

Wow. I could just stare at this photo of my handsome boy.

It's also all about quirky shops you happen upon.

A little broadway-style Mary Poppins, anyone? Fancy outfits, giant theaters, and special late nights out...that helps any variety of medicine go down.

Here's me, doing a good impersonation of a person who is sporty. And who is friends with the nature. But for the record, after kayaking, we all rated the experience 1 to 10. After ten minutes of me first having to explain how a 1 to 10 rating system actually works to my kids, I rated it the HIGHEST of everyone. What's that about?

Best pals. 

Meet vacation-us. Can you see what's missing in this picture? Stress, responsibility, and a schedule. Ahhhh. Life is good.



{Moments not captured:}

Sharing a box of happiness in the form of Sprinkles cupcakes with my girl. If you tell her she has a sweet tooth she'll tell you that, actually, all of them are sweet.

My crazy aggressive bike-riding 6-yr old making his mama stressed OUT as he wove in and out of other bikers and pedestrians on the boardwalk. I gasped at least five times. I prayed even more.

Arcade night. Even I can't resist a good round of Ms. PacMan. Or two. "Can mommy have just one more of your quarters??"

The sleeping in, snuggly mornings. The staying up late to swim and watch movies nights. And the moments stolen away with my husband, both of us fully present, unburdened.

I think I speak for us all when I say we are filled up with memories and treasures money can't buy.

I also think I speak for us all when I say I need a nap.

Maybe I'll get one in September.