On boundaries, from the Target dressing room

Good morning, friends.

Good morning, new week. You arrived really extra early today, didn't you?

Last night, I shut off my computer earlier than I wanted to, knowing waking up today would be painful. So I postponed writing this till now, as a strategy to force my eyes to stay open.

Yesterday, my daughter and I went to Target. She had a gift card {lucky}. And what she wanted was one of their new swim suits for spring. It is a bit of a dance every year for us, as I figure out where my boundaries lie in terms of swim suits and modesty for her. What's out there for young girls can go vastly beyond what I deem appropriate for a child. She is only nine, but because she shops in the "big girl" section now, the choices range in size up to 16.

Like me, she is long waisted, the tallest in her class, and has the same difficulty I did as a child in finding a suit. Few one-pieces fit her long torso without pulling and gaping awkwardly. But I'm certainly not feeling she's ready for a bikini either (will I ever? I don't know). So she grabbed about 7 choices, most from among the two pieces with longer tops, in the "tankini" range.

What's funny is that each time I said "Nope, not that one," (like to the one-piece that was cut exactly like a sexy swimsuit for a woman), she never once argued. She tried one that she "LOVED" (because of the print) but once it was on, the V-neck was cut so low you could see the top of her ribcage. I offered, "Hm. Let's see what's next." She knew it wasn't my favorite, and she didn't push back. A beautiful ruffled suit also had to be eliminated. It looked like a tankini on the hanger, but once on, it was a lot skimpier. She really liked it, and I thought it was a really pretty suit too. But there was just way too much exposed skin in between the pieces. Again, I said it wasn't my favorite, and she was perfectly content to move on.

For a girl who is usually headstrong and opinionated, particularly when it comes to making decisions with her mother (and I'm talking about my daughter, not me :), she was incredibly agreeable.

Which got me thinking.

Maybe, because of our culture, because of her peers, and because of what retailers put on the rack subtly implying what she should prefer, maybe she feels a bit of pressure to like certain things. Maybe my daughter feels carried along by the current of needing to grow up too fast. I mean, I certainly give her those messages in other areas - I put pressure on her to act more responsibly, or more grown-up than she is at times.

And maybe, my setting boundaries in her clothing choices, saying, "No, not yet" is delightfully freeing for her.

Maybe her little spirit breathes a sigh of relief when I allow her to remain a child for yet another summer.

Maybe she feels safer within the boundaries set by a loving parent, versus being left to roam freely in a world of grown up expectations.

Have you heard of the study social scientists performed on children in a schoolyard? They removed the fences, and instead of the children running free beyond the boundaries of the schoolyard, they remained huddled towards its center, fearful and insecure. When they replaced the fences, the children were free to run all over the yard without concern. It was the visible boundaries which made them feel safe.

I could not help think about that study as I was putting the rejected swimsuits back on the hangers. We narrowed the suits down to two well-covering tankinis, and she was allowed to choose her favorite (remember, giving a choice let's a child feel powerful?) It was a great experience overall. And to top if off, we found a darling polka dotted dress on the clearance rack for $11.

On the way home, we talked about how darling her body is. I shared that even though no one feels hers is perfect, we should be proud of what God's given us, remembering our ultimate beauty is inside. Though I strive to teach modesty, I also want my daughter to appreciate her femininity. That takes effort on my part. It's a very fine line between using words that encourage modesty but don't sound like I'm saying her body is "bad." I don't want her to have any shameful feelings about her looks, particularly as she enters her teen years just around the corner. And talk about swimming upstream - that is a current I will certainly have to fight against, as her mother.

But hey, in these kinds of cultural waters, I'm a pretty strong swimmer.