Sunday, July 17, 2011

Top 5 distractions in church

I've been compiling this mental list over the past few weeks. Not by choice. But because certain things have been really distracting to me when I'm trying to pay attention in church. Maybe you can relate.

Number 1. Mullets.

Last week, we sat across the aisle from a man in a nice white dress shirt, black dress slacks, and a serious mullet. He looked perfectly normal, with a clean-cut haircut from the front, and a clear mullet from all other angles. I glanced over at him at least four times, just trying to understand the poor guy. I'm certain his mullet prevented me from learning something.

Number 2. The sign language lady.

This lady's skill is just beyond my comprehension, and that makes me want to stare at her. I can't understand how she can be saying one thing with her hands and hearing a different thing in her ears that she needs to remember and then translate like ten seconds later while she listens to something else. It's amazing how quickly she can convert what she's hearing into sign language so smoothly and beautifully! Have you ever watched this woman? She's sort of magical and rare. She's the church's unicorn.

Number 3. PDA.

Yes indeed, one can view instances of uninhibited Public Display of Affection even during church. Last weekend, we sat behind a couple who could not keep their hands off each other. What appeared to be full-on, two-handed, deep-tissue neck massaging was taking place during the sermon. Not to mention they were practically sitting on top of each other. If I were the pastor, I'd post signs that said, "Love your neighbors, but please sit one Bible-width apart from them." I'm sure this is probably the reason most churches have traded pews for theater-style seats.

Number 4. Really strong or really gross perfume.

That's obvious, right? I have a sensitive smeller so I can be really thrown off by strong smells. You know you've sat by that woman before, and it isn't pretty. A fragrant offering during worship isn't literal, people.

Number 5. Misspellings on the song slides. 

I admit, this may just be distracting for me. But if the screen is telling me to sing, "Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your glorius name," my brain stops at the wrong word and I've totally lost my moment. My singing goes on auto-pilot as I try to figure out why no one proof-reads those things. 

I know. It's a miracle I get anything out of the Sunday service, what with my brain all over the place. Did I miss anything on my list? Well, never mind. Just pay attention, and if you see mullet guy in your peripherals, try to avert your eyes.

Happy Sunday.



  1. oh my goodness....this made me laugh out loud. You are SO funny! I agree with all of these....especially misspellings on the song slides or in the bulletin/sermon notes.
    And, you forgot about crying babies or babies who are noisy. I mean, I love babies & all, but there is a reason there is a nursery (and our church also has a room with the service on TV for moms/crying babies to go to if necessary).

  2. hahaha hehehe - too funny.

  3. Hilarious. I am the same way about many of these things...especially the PDA and words on the slides!

  4. Bahahaha! Totally hear you, especially with the slide misspellings! Your/you're are frequently swapped during worship songs.


  5. Sooo funny! I completely agree. We had a couple doing the massage thing last week. I am also distracted my parents who bring in infants who are probably old enough for the nursery. That is horrible to say since I'm a parent too!

  6. what a riot! i totally feel ya though! i am often distracted by these kind of things too!

  7. Oh my Les, I love how the number one thing on your list is mullets! Awesome! I totally agree, by the way, with all the others. It's unfortunate that even once we make it to our place of worship, the Enemy is still working at keeping us from full engagement.

  8. Bwa ha ha! This is great! These are SO true! I have a hard time getting distracted by most of these as well, although I must say that I haven't encountered a mullet at church yet :)

  9. Cracking up, so true but still so hilarious!

  10. hahaha!! total lol on this one. you are great leslie! : )

  11. LOL! I can soooo relate to #3. I used to go to a huge church in Florida, and every Sunday this lovey dovey couple would be rubbing up against each other the whole time. It was so distracting. I know they were married, and obviously very in love, but gross. lol. Now that we have moved across country to Cali, we have a new church and there's another lovey dovey couple here. Only this time they're some of our closest friends. They just can't keep their hands off each other. hehe

  12. I agree with all of the above. I would like to add the crazy falsetto old people like Marty and Bobbi Culp on SNL.

  13. said pda couple was in front of us today at mass ... and their child was out of control and they didn't even try to have them be slightly quiet. i love that children come to mass, but it think it is important to teach them how to sit quietly {or use the children's room!}.

  14. Ha ha ha! My husband is my top distraction, we always want to whisper jokes to each other. Or something is said to trigger something we both find funny, its trouble so he usually sits somewhere else!

  15. bahaha!!! This totally cracks me up. I was so distracted by misspelled words this Sunday too! Ha! I think too much PDA is the most distracting for me. This one woman would not quit patting her husband's back. SO ANNOYING!

    I'm glad we can laugh at these things!

  16. true story.

  17. I'm with ya on the strong perfume thing. Stumbled across your blog and lovin' it!

  18. Do I have a PDA story for you! But it is best told over iced tea. Which we will most likely spit out!
    It involves the following:
    Christmas Eve
    Silent Night
    Butt massage

  19. Bwahahahaha! This is hialarious(did you catch that misspelling?:))
    BTW, I responded to your email(on Tuesday the 12th!) about tomorrow's post..yet it still sits in my Outbox, seemingly unsent. Our stupid computer is having email issues right now. And so although my post is ready Im wondering how Im supposed to get it to you. I can recieve emails by following a process I figured out but cant send anything out.
    I could try to send it from my inlaws house/email. If that works for you let me know.

  20. Umm hysterical post and totally relateable! Why are the funniest things always the true things?

  21. #3 and #5 are my trigger points as well! Art and I tend to hold hands, even place a hand on each others backs/necks, but even that sometimes feels a little too intimate for me haha!

  22. #3 is a killer! The big one for me? The women who walk in late with the low rise jeans and the underwear showing! Really?!