Top 5 distractions in church

I've been compiling this mental list over the past few weeks. Not by choice. But because certain things have been really distracting to me when I'm trying to pay attention in church. Maybe you can relate.

Number 1. Mullets.

Last week, we sat across the aisle from a man in a nice white dress shirt, black dress slacks, and a serious mullet. He looked perfectly normal, with a clean-cut haircut from the front, and a clear mullet from all other angles. I glanced over at him at least four times, just trying to understand the poor guy. I'm certain his mullet prevented me from learning something.

Number 2. The sign language lady.

This lady's skill is just beyond my comprehension, and that makes me want to stare at her. I can't understand how she can be saying one thing with her hands and hearing a different thing in her ears that she needs to remember and then translate like ten seconds later while she listens to something else. It's amazing how quickly she can convert what she's hearing into sign language so smoothly and beautifully! Have you ever watched this woman? She's sort of magical and rare. She's the church's unicorn.

Number 3. PDA.

Yes indeed, one can view instances of uninhibited Public Display of Affection even during church. Last weekend, we sat behind a couple who could not keep their hands off each other. What appeared to be full-on, two-handed, deep-tissue neck massaging was taking place during the sermon. Not to mention they were practically sitting on top of each other. If I were the pastor, I'd post signs that said, "Love your neighbors, but please sit one Bible-width apart from them." I'm sure this is probably the reason most churches have traded pews for theater-style seats.

Number 4. Really strong or really gross perfume.

That's obvious, right? I have a sensitive smeller so I can be really thrown off by strong smells. You know you've sat by that woman before, and it isn't pretty. A fragrant offering during worship isn't literal, people.


Number 5. Misspellings on the song slides. 

I admit, this may just be distracting for me. But if the screen is telling me to sing, "Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your glorius name," my brain stops at the wrong word and I've totally lost my moment. My singing goes on auto-pilot as I try to figure out why no one proof-reads those things. 


I know. It's a miracle I get anything out of the Sunday service, what with my brain all over the place. Did I miss anything on my list? Well, never mind. Just pay attention, and if you see mullet guy in your peripherals, try to avert your eyes.

Happy Sunday.